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Review by W. H. Cawley Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Joe,
Being an English teacher, the first thing that caught my eye was your comma use. At times, it could use some work. However, I would not say it affected the flow of your story. So to be honest, who cares about that stuff. There's no problem with bending and breaking the rules.

Positives
- The ominous message Bill and Tom receive. What was that? I like how you left it ambiguous because the plot of your story is irrelevant; the character development is the most important thing.
- Tom's fate. I really like how you left this part ambiguous as well. What I took away from the ending is that whether Tom dies or not, he is already emotionally destroyed. Nice work.

Negatives
- You vacillate between the characters last names and first names. I am not sure what your reasoning of this was, but it can be very confusing at times. However, maybe you were trying to add a militaristic feel to the story with the use of last names. Additionally, I noticed that when first names were used, it was in an intimate setting. So maybe that was what you were getting at.

- At first glance, the dream sequences are cool but confusing. Very deep though, I will have to look at these again to try to understand them.

Overall
- Very enjoyable read. Thanks for your comments on the newbies forum. Hopefully you'll get a chance to look at the first chapter of my book. Take it easy!

Bill
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