A very well written story. I can't wait to read more. The only thing I noticed was a few typos and mispellings. If you pop this into a word processor it should pick up most of them. It's mostly little things like too when it should be two. And when he asks her to marry him, the word purposed should be proposed. But like I said, just look over it with a fine tooth comb and you should catch them.
Great work!!
-Vanessa
Great beginning to what is a very imaginative story! I really enjoyed your description of the circus parade at the beginning, it created a great image.
I noticed a couple of typos, nothing major. I saw something else that you may want to think about...the first description of the sphere says it's transparent, which implies that it's see through. Another description says it's opaque which implies it's difficult to see through.
Your portfolio caught my eye, since I am also a candlemaker!
At any rate, great story, I you post more of it soon!
Write on,
-VR
This is an excellent article! As a reader of fantasy, it's often very frustrating when these rules are not observed. If you're a fantasy writer, this is a great article to read before you even start writing that story!
This is a great short story! Very poignant. My only suggestions are grammar related. There are a few misspellings like in this sentence:
"Things take time there never going to happen right away."
"There" should be "they're"
For that same sentence, it needs to be broken up.
"Things take time. They're never going to happen right away."
Sometimes for dialogue sequences, it's a good idea to read them out loud to yourself so you can hear the natural breaks in speech, that will help you write them better.
Other than a few grammar things, this story is in great shape. Keep up the good work!
Another really great story. I think you have a good grasp of how "real life" operates. I've been able to relate completely to both of your stories on an emotional level. It's often hard to convey those feelings that we all have at some point in a story but you do a really nice job.
My suggestion for this story is merely surface level, like I said, your content is great.
I noticed in this story a lot of the sentences begin with "He did this..." or have "he" at the beginning of the sentence. So a lot of the sentences take on the "He did this then he did that" kind of tone which gets old to the reader. If you can vary it a little more, then it makes it flow a little better for the reader.
For example, this sentence:
"He rummaged through his closet and selected a nice white shirt that was badly wrinkled."
Could be changed to something like this to eliminate "he" at the beginning of the sentence:
"Rummaging through his closet, he selected a nice white shirt that was badly wrinkled."
That way, if the sentence before that begins with "He did this..." the next sentence doesn't and it just makes it flow a little more smoothly.
The story itself is great though. I hope you upload more soon.
Nice story! I like the deeper metaphor...or the deeper metaphor I got from it, not sure if you put it there deliberately! I like your writing style too, it kept me engaged from the beginning and at the end, I wanted more.
I couldn't really see any grammatical problems or anything, maybe this sentence:
"I assumed that I was dreaming as I remained motionless for the first 10 minutes after I had wakened"
The word "wakened" could be "awoken"? Not sure if "wakened" is a word. If it is, by all means, use it!
At any rate, good work. I look forward to reading more.
I really enjoyed this article. As an aunt who watched (and put a stop to) her 2 nieces and nephew's abuse by their father, this really struck home.
For your writing...very good! Many articles like this can be very dry, (yours was not) and have a tendency to be preachy, (again, not the case here). It's obvious what side you're on here but you do a good job of sticking to the facts and not talking down to or preaching to your audience. The tone and flow is very nice, like I said, you definitely avoided the "dry article syndrome".
Very good. I love the way the ending is written, I could picture it in my head like a movie.
Also impressed that Vicky was living off of her website earnings in just 30 days! LOL (I used to work in web development so that part was inspiring. hee hee)
The only two (and these are super nit picky, just thought you might want to know) in this passage:
For him, his secret strips to Warsaw street gave him a thrill just because he was being naughty. Vicky was a talented lover, though, and she had taken Eric to places he had only imagined or read about.
I'm guessing you meant "secret trips" as opposed to "strips". And I would take the comma out after the word "lover".
Other than that, it's just great. Good "back and forth" with him standing on the platform and remembering what has happened and again, awesome end.
-VR
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