Aliens among us! Or demons...Good job of showing not telling. It is obvious there is something different about the patrons of Joe's based on the patron's observation of everyone's eyes. And you leave us with a cliffhanger! What happens next?
Spelling and Grammar
I see no errors in grammar or spelling. You have done a good job of punctuating dialogue, which seems to be a hard thing for some writers.
Organization and Readability
Well organized and easy to understand.
Suggestions
The only suggestion I could possibly have is that you give me more! I want to know how this story ends. Do the aliens/demons attack this man? Convert him? Kidnap him? Does a battle ensue? Does the patron win? Ahhh the questions!
Please note: I have only offered suggestions that I think would help me as a reader
This is a hilarious poem and a great example of personification! Overall, I really enjoyed reading this poem.
Form
I like the rhyme scheme of your quatrains. It reminds me of the Italian Sonnet but with a varied rhyme scheme. Nice meter throughout, although it is off in a couple of places. For example, awkward meter throws off the flow in this one.
"I hold a saber in my hand and my arm is raised high;
so cometh hither, pigeon foe, and see if you still fly!
I am a swordsman of renown, albeit hard and stilled;
yet even in my marble state I’m focused and strong willed.”
There is a slight miss in the meter of the first line. It has to do with the word "and". I am not sure why, but it throws things off. Since you are not averse to using archaic language (cometh for example), maybe you could do this instead
I hold a saber in my hand, my arm is raised on high
It seems to flow better. Both are "and" and "on" are one-syllable words, but placing "on" near the end somehow fixes the flow. Just a suggestion!
Spelling and Grammar
There seems to be an issue with word choice in the following line.
“Ah, pigeons, you may think if funny that you go on me;
Did you mean "it" instead of "if"?
Flow and readability
Other than the issues previously mentioned, this poem flows great! The meaning is clear and the poem is very easy to read.
Suggestions
The only suggestions I have, have already been mentioned. My suggestions are not set in stone rules, so take them with a grain of salt!
Please note: I have only offered suggestions that I think would help me as a reader.
First Impression
One of my favorite topics to write and read about. It seems we all (or most of us) long for someone or something from our past. Form
Good free verse. Spelling and Grammar
Small issues concerning capitalization at the beginning of each line and punctuation. Just be consistent. If you are going to use commas, periods, colons etc. then use them all where needed. I think it confuses readers if this is inconsistent.
Flow and readability
Very readable poem. There were no issues with the flow and I found the line breaks worked well. Suggestions
My favorite poetry instructor taught me to trim unnecessary words. So, with that in mind here is my humble suggestion. Thank you for letting me read and make suggestions.
I don't like going through old things.
There's always that one,
like this bracelet,
wrapped in fragments of memory.
Did it come from grandma?
(Do you think adding a memory or two would help to set the "war" up in the next stanza? Or would that be necessary?)
Keep it or not, I can’t win.
Nostalgia brings war
between feeling and unfeeling.
The certainty of things broken:
days, moments, dreams
lost.
What do you think? I like it as is, just making "trim" suggestions.
I really like your poem! It reminds me of my grandmother and how I always wanted her to give me a piece of jewelry--any piece--from her jewelry box. Great job! Keep writing! Please remember (pun intended!): I have only offered suggestions that I think would help me as a reader.
First Impression
This story is definitely full of suspension even to the end. I have to say I want to know more... Spelling and Grammar
I saw no obvious errors in spelling or grammar although in some cases the word order confused me but just enough to slow me a down a little and it didn't hurt the story. Organization and Readability
Very well organized and very readable. Suggestions
HMMM... I think this story would be great told from the boys point of view...the tension in the story would represent his anxiety perfectly... Please note: I have only offered suggestions that I think would help me as a reader
First Impression
A beautiful personification of nature and it's ability to refresh life with water (rain). Form
Free verse with no rhyme scheme...it works well. Spelling and Grammar
No errors in spelling or gramamr seen. Flow and readability
Flows nicely but there are a few snags such as lines 3,4 and 5 in the second stanza. They slowed me down some although, on the second reading, they did not. Suggestions
None that I can think of... Please note: I have only offered suggestions that I think would help me as a reader.
** Image ID #1192383 Unavailable **
** Image ID #1407692 Unavailable **
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/vlannie
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 3:28am on Nov 05, 2024 via server WEBX2.
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
