Thought provoking but I disagree with the suppositions the manipulation is one of the strongest acts of evil and humans are put on this earth with no sole purpose or reason. In order, manipulation is an action not an outcome, self will run riot would be a better train of thought for clarity. People do have a clear reason to exist...Reproduce more people. That's what life does, makes more of itself. That too, could be better expanded upon...Maybe. Beyond these points, the stream of consciousness style adds an easy flavor to engage the mind. It also takes the age-old philosophical question of good and evil which can be passe, presents that in a not dull or dreary narrative. The subject matter may not be for everybody, anyone can appreciate this treatise. Job well done.
Not long enough. That from a man that really doesn't like westerns too much, but the title grabbed me. It has a classic air to it and the dialogue is authentic. This is a great lead into a work that if littered with a few twists would be great. When I say twist, think a really human drama that's timeless but one wouldn't expect in a western...But you know happened somewhere, sometime just because that's what travelling men have happen to them.
First impression sounds like me several decades ago. Second impression is this might be better told from the second person point of view. The way I'd write it, me, not necessarily you would be fleshing it out with gritty details...'another dirty bus stop along this stupid never ending river of dried asphalt...And everywhere I go I see that son of bitch following me...He always lives in the mirror...' Something like that. However, that's how I'd do it. Keep working on it, it sounds like you have a great story to get off your chest.
You have talent. However here's advice I got years ago and has served me well. Brevity is the soul of wit. Some of your lines are sheer pure brilliance and those get tripped by a stormy hearty in other lines. It just needs some spit and polish to shine.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/v.wahrenberger
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 1:30am on Dec 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
