Thank you for sharing this! I really enjoyed the fresh, original content of your poem, and the picture painted in my mind.
Strong Points The unique content that captures the reader's attention. Nice rhyming that doesn't sound too forced. Good imagery that allows the reader to visualize the poem.
Weak Points "It was sent to tell a child of five of His abiding love." If you are going to use "of" twice, try adding a comma after "five." Otherwise, try to omit the use of "of" so close together. "Each night as I would say my prayers and feel God's wonderful grace." The word "wonderful" disrupts the flow a little. I would suggest using something like "warming." "The memories of a childhood in a home of love and care" Need a comma after "care." "Once waking in the dark of night to some loud and frightening thing," Need a comma after "Once." "Time to move to a brand new home, yes the time had come to go." Need a comma after "yes." "My childish mind was terrified, I cried well into the night." Flows roughly. Perhaps try something like "I cried all through the night." "I'd told no one about the hole" I would suggest using "of" instead of "about" for a better flow of words. "And now I had to leave it, a treasure, I thought, held my soul." This lacks clarity of understanding. "I thought" just doesn't seem to fit in. " but God's presence doesn't part." You should use "didn't" in place of "doesn't" to keep a uniform tense. "a habit burned in my heart." I would suggest the use of "into" in the place of "in." This creates a better flow of words.
A very good read with a few rough spots. Smoothe them out and you will have an exceptional poem! Remember, these are all just suggestions and opinions. The important thing is, that the poem is beautiful to you!
I enjoyed the way the "love story" unfolded :) It nicely touched on the intense emotions of love and depression. A very well written piece!
I found a couple of errors throughout your piece. I've copied your sentences and marked the corrections I suggest in red.
1. So, I downed my fourth or fifth beer and , coat in hand...
2. It was a basement level bar and , without looking, I had literally...
3. Catching myself halfway down , I looked up.
I could continue listing sentences with comma problems, but I think you can see where I'm coming from now. I would go back through and reread your story, checking specifically for comma placement. I didn't really find any errors other than the comma problems. If you would like me to go through and list the comma issues in your piece, e-mail me with a bitem link to this piece. I would love to do so if you would like me to!
Overall, a very nicely written piece that leaves you feeling good and sad all at the same time :)
A very informative and to-the-point article. It's always refreshing to read an article that takes you directly to the point without driving you in circles for a while!
I only found one grammatical error in the entire piece!
"Contrary to what you may have been told, it is perfectly proper and in some cases more logical to use a passive voice in your prose, at least some of the time."
A comma is needed after proper and another after logical.
Other than that, very well written!
God's blessings,
Angela
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The unique content that captures the reader's attention.