If you want excellent and honest reviews, this is the place to go. I've only had one review completed, but it was by far and away the best review of my works. Should you submit a review request, be prepared for a thorough critique, which is what we should be seeking when asking for a review.
I enjoyed this short story. You were able to pull off a lot of good things with limited wording. Great job! My full review follows:
Title: The title is straightforward and relates to the story. While it's not a catchy title, it does not deter a reader from picking up the story to read it.
Opening: After several readings, I found that I liked the story by eliminating the opening sentence and starting the story with the second sentence. The use of the passive voice in opening, coupled with the sentence length, prevented me from diving into the story. By starting with "Gathering along the creases of the brushstrokes..." I was pulled into the story. The use of the active voice made everything more concrete, and I liked the reference to "neglect" which introduced us to what I felt was the theme of the story, the son's feelings that he neglected the time with his father.
Characterization: Characterization was well done throughout with each of the characters having their own distinct traits.
Dialogue: The dialogue in the story defined the father and helped move the plot along.
Setting: While there is not much description to outline the setting, the character's place in the "darkened" and "old" hallway gives the reader a full understanding of where our narrator is. The reader knows the age of the house, and the descriptions flesh out a feeling of foreboding and sadness that permeates the establishment and has for many years.
Theme: It is certain that the narrator struggles with the death of his father and what transpired prior to that death. You present the internal struggle clearly as our narrator gazes upon the portrait of himself as a young man. You show us his regret, sadness, and the neglect of time spent with his father, time he will never have back.
Plot/Conflict Resolution: The story moved along with a clear plot and conflict, internal as it was. The resolution to the narrator's internal battle was believable and brought the story to a satisfactory ending. See my comments below in the Style/Tone/Voice section about a hope I had for the story.
"Fictional Reality": All in all a good job here. There was only one point where I was pulled out of the story. I asked myself what is added to the story by the sentences which start with "He drew a deep breath..." and end with "...the dust hit his nose and lips." I skipped those lines, and the story held together.
Style/Tone/Voice: The style and tone are excellent. We feel this dark story about a sad, regretful man living in a relatively dark world, both physically and mentally. In fact, the tone is so well done that I thought we were going to have some sort of ghostly or supernatural outcome. I must admit that I was a bit disappointed by the ending, not that there was anything wrong with that, but rather by the fact that the last portrait wasn't some kind of gateway to directly amend his issue with his father. Of course, the portrait is, and you bring that out, but the tone was so clear that I could believe that something more unworldly could happen.
Grammar: You might want to use paragraph spacing to help the readers, especially where there is dialogue. Otherwise, there are only minor grammar errors that do not pull the reader out of the story.
The story has a good flow and good action. You describe the battlefield well, and you create good tension throughout. The reader is never sure if the group is going to make it back. The opening drew me into the story and pushed me to read more. The dialogue is believable and relevant to the story. It provides some excellent context and feel to the story. It is one of the primary tools making the battlefield real for the reader.
There is not a tremendous amount of characterization or differentiation amongst the characters. In fact, there are no differences at all between any of the characters as we sat with them in the field. You start the story with two paragraphs that hint at characterization, the first showing us a soldier that missed his family, and the second providing insight about "Sarge", the man doubting why any of them are there, but you do not expand on that concept thereafter. This weakens the final resolution. Because we don't know anything about the characters, there is no real emotional attachment with them when the ending happens.
One minor note, why is the opening in bold? It's strong enough on its own and does not need any further highlighting.
There is also some grammar work needed, but I will leave that to others.
All in all a good story. I think if you flesh it out by creating fuller characters, this will be more complete.
Title: The title provides a good reference to the primary female character and provides a subtle bit of flavor about the story itself.
Opening: The story's opening line grabbed me and pulled me into the story. I was able to visualize quite well the skin that is too soft to touch.
Characterization: I found the narrator to be a bit unbelievable. There is nothing in the story makes me think that the narrator would become so attached to this stranger. He is so attached, in fact, that he feels responsible for an act which is really beyond his control despite his protestations. I was uncertain why{/} he felt she was “the one”. I think if you can expand on the narrator’s, giving the reader a bit more background, we will get to know him and understand why he is able to jump to such quick and otherwise bizarre conclusions. Had he actually talked with the unnamed woman, with what we know he probably would have seemed more like a stalker as compared to a hopeless romantic who found love at first sight.
The female character is described well, including the wonderful reference to the scars. A really good detail that helps us understand her personality.
Dialogue: I liked the one real line of dialogue in the story.
Theme:: It is difficult to say what the theme is because of the uncertainty regarding the main character’s traits and actions. Defining the character will help focus what the theme of the story really is.
Plot/Conflict Resolution: The conflict and resolutions are clear but leave the reader wondering what knowledge the narrator gained. Would he do anything differently if he comes across another Juliet?
Setting: No issues with the setting.
Point of View: Excellent use of the first person POV. Not to sound like a broken record, but I would like to see even more introspection.
Style/Tone/Voice: The style made for a little difficulty in the reading. The extended descriptions, sometime in phrases and not sentences, found in the first paragraph were hard to work through.
Title: Excellent reference to the implied portion of the Hippocratic Oath and as a reference to the dilemma that the main character faces.
Opening: A good opening line. It builds the necessary suspense which draws the reader into the story.
Characterization: Conrad’s character is clearly portrayed and believable. He faces his challenge with courage and understanding. Because he is so strong, even under the most difficult of circumstances, I was a bit confused why he would not originally show some loathing for his captors. The line “There are no enemies when it comes to death” would fit better later in the story after Conrad knows his captors better.
The minor characters are differentiated and well written. You do a good job of making us want to like the various captors at least a little bit. Although they really are the evil characters in the story, we feel some compassion for them as their ends are reached.
Dialogue: The dialogue is also well done. Again, the differentiation between the American and the foreigners is clearly portrayed. Abdul-Salam’s improving English adds to the story as well.
Theme: The theme is really man versus self as Conrad battles with his sense of duty. The theme carries throughout the story and is well presented.
Plot/Conflict Resolution: Obviously the theme and conflict are intertwined in this story. Conrad is faced with having to live up to his duty as a doctor while realizing that he is helping would-be enemies. Within the story there are actually two resolutions. First, the invasion by the U.S. forces set Conrad free from his physical captivity. This freedom forces Conrad to analyze his inner strength.
To be honest, I thought that the second resolution did not necessarily fit within Conrad’s character, especially in light of his ordeal. His shattered self-confidence at the end contrasts dramatically with his personality and fails to reflect the strength he showed as a prisoner. Based on what we have already read, a rescued Conrad would show even more resolve as a doctor, having succeeded against one of, if not the biggest psychological challenge a doctor can face. His crumbling into tears did not correspond with all of the previous pages written.
I also wondered what the point of the cross was. It was mentioned but did not have any bearing on how Conrad acted.
Setting: The settings were perfectly described and added much to the story.
Point of View: No issues with point of view.
Style/Tone/Voice: The writing style was easy to read, and the story flowed from start to finish.
You incorporate an interesting theme/plot with this story. Your method of describing the transitioning of "normal" humans to AI beings is well thought out, clearly presented, and, of course, contemporary.
Your portrayal of the AI character is well done. I liked the reference of the upload and the subsequent loss of identity, although you could expand on this concept further.
I absolutely loved the title and how you tied in the biblical references at the end. Well done!
I would have liked to see more difficulties for the cyborg character. The main conflict of the story, how to overcome Lucy's reluctance to appreciate the narrator and to ultimately accept upgrading, meets little or no difficulty. The cyborg has it figured out from the beginning. One area that you could explore to help with the conflict/resolution is the problem that the cyborg might have during the transition. If the character uses some human introspection, he might realize that losing his identity and his capability to truly feel as a loss instead of a gain. Again, he might not, but it would be interesting to read, nonetheless.
Lastly, the opening sentences did not grab me. The use of two, very long similes at the beginning of the story detract from any action that you intended to use to bring the reader into the story. I would amend or eliminate them.
Thanks for letting me read the story. I enjoyed it.
Unfortunately, my review will have to be short, as I feel that the story needs to be fleshed out more.
I liked two areas of the story. The line which starts "He had two rocking..." is a good foreshadowing to the death of the wife. We begin to have a sense that something could happen between the man and wife.
I also like the concept behind the line which begins "He new (sic) that his life..." Overall, that is the primary concept of the story.
My main concern with this short piece is that it reads like a journal entry and not a short story. We are given a scene from the man and wife's life, but it does not relate to any plot. There is no real conflict presented.
You might want to expand the story to show the kind of good life that the couple had together, the death of the wife will have more impact.
The strength of this story lies in its characterization and the plot.
You do a good job of bringing to life the two fairies. I liked the fact that Luna was sarcastic, slightly mean (in a nice way) and very un-fairy like in many instances. I also found the differentiation between Luna and the king of the fairies to be believable and well written. Also, the narrator is clear in the reader's mind despite the lack of any physical description.
The plot builds the necessary drama and the necessary suspense to push the story along. The reader wants to know what happens, which is usually the point of the short story.
Finally, I liked how you surprised the reader with the first meeting between the narrator and Luna.
The main issues with the story are as follows:
1) Unrelated to content, please double space between paragraphs. While not necessarily the correct format for most submissions, on-line reading is so much easier when it's used;
2) The opening of the story, and the first three paragraphs do not really grab the reader. I'm not a fan of opening stories with any description of the weather, and your use does not tie into the story anywhere and does not drive the reader onward. The next several paragraphs try to describe how dull/normal the narrator's life is. The problem is that this also dulls the reader to the story. Even when attempting to outline the routine, something must either happen, or the narrator must want something. We really have no action taking place until Luna arrives. The entire story before that point is generally listless and does not have an impact on the overall story itself.
I would recommend reworking the beginning of the story, attempting to show a specific activity, other than sleeping, that the narrator performs and how even that activity is routine.
I thought you provided an excellent setting described in exactly enough detail. You the place the reader into the action and give them a good feel for the ocean and the beach. The story also clearly identifies the playfulness of each the characters and the humor that could emanate from them even during the more serious events. I liked the fact that the narrator cracks a very witty joke after "the big moment". This is well done.
I also like the line "That's the funny thing about reality, it forces you to keep moving." This, I would say should be the focus and the conclusion of the story.
The main issue with the story is that the conflict and resolution are rather obvious. I did not get the feeling that these two would not connect. Even when they were playing around the outcome seemed to be inevitable. I think you could use the line about reality to broaden the plot and the internal conflict. Use the playfulness and uncertainty that the two show and introduce a real obstacle to their eventual connection. That would grab the reader more.
One minor point, I found the line about the narrator being attracted to Connor in kindergarten somewhat unbelievable. It just did not ring true to me.
This has the making to be a really good story. I think you should expand it and add some more depth.
I found this story to be an entertaining mix between fantasy and suspense.
I thought the pace of the story and the action contained within the piece were excellent. The story "moved" from beginning to end.
The conflict of the story was clearly brought out: Would the boys survive or not?
The motivations of the characters were also clear. The boys wanted to stay alive, and the queen wanted to kill them. The evilness of the queen is especially well written.
Minor issues:
I did not like the use of the similes/metaphors. They distracted from the story and brought me out of the fiction itself. We do not need to see parting of the Red Sea or how "the silence in the antic hung like a heavy fog". And the "guffaw more wretched than a red sox (sic) homerun" made me pause each time I read the story. Maybe if this was another day in New York city this would work, but when combined with a fantasy based story and a story that is set in Alaska, well, it just seemed that the author's presence was here.
I wanted know more about the Queen. We jump into the story with her wanting to kill. The two primary characters seem to know much about her. We, the readers, do not. Provide some background, and we will understand more.
Expand on how the image of the father in the attic comes about. I could not see why it would appear nor how it would appear. Flesh this out just a bit to help the reader.
My biggest concern was with the ending. I have to admit that I was unsatisfied with the resolution to the conflict. After a near-death experience, I felt that these two would have a different reaction that their predecessors. I imagine that you wanted some continuity, but I was left feeling that nothing was really learned by the main characters.
Overall the story has all of the elements of a good short story. The characters are mostly believable and well described. The Queen's and the boys actions, apart from the ending, are well placed.
The plot and the theme are clear and well defined, and the tone of the story is excellent. There is action and wanting.
The conflict is brought out very well.
This is a good story, and I would recommend it to anyone.
This story has the potential to be a five star story.
It is well written and covers most of the important areas of a short story. The plot is well thought out, the conflict is intriguing, the characters are believable, the setting (where needed) is aptly described, and the tone is clear.
The only suggestion I have is to start the story with the paragraph which begins "Jerry Ferguson was..." The previous paragraphs left me confused and did not engage me. The second and third time I read the story, I did not even to bother with them, jumping straight into the story at the mentioned point.
The only other concern I have is that the ending of the story appears to have been left off. If not, then the resolution to the conflict is unresolved. I hope there is more as I am interested to see what happens.
I enjoyed the excellent descriptions of creature. The beast's condition is clearly explained and very believable made it easy on me as a reader to see this "animal". The fact that his condition is different than that typically described, also was interesting and unique.
I was also pleased with the use of the first person plural point of view. This is a difficult POV to use, and you pulled it off without problems.
A few areas where I would suggest improvements:
1) The transition from first person plural to first person singular was abrupt and took me, momentarily, out of the fictional reality you created. This transition is related to my primary concern in point three below;
2) The writing style describing the scenes where the narrator is floating was so different than the rest of the story that I again paused and had to re-read the passage for clarity;
3) My primary suggestion would be to clarify the conflict of the story and to bring it out sooner. The fact that the actual conflict and the actual antagonists are not known until nearly the end of the story left me unsatisfied with the ending. As an example of good conflict/resolution, you need only look to the first half of the story where the reader is left wondering whether or not the creature will harm them. When the beast breathes his contented sigh, that particular tension is resolved. Try to bring the real conflict, the fact that this encounter will be denied by the friends, into the story sooner.
All in all a very good effort and an entertaining story. Keep up the good work.
The narrative of this piece was filled with many excellent descriptions. The author placed me alongside Little Bobby, and I felt drawn into the piece because of the clear writing. I especially enjoyed paragraphs six and seven, reliving times I spent at the library. The writing made all of this very real.
A couple of minor points:
First, in paragraph four, we switch from past tense to present tense for just a moment. It caught me off guard and pulled me out of the writing. I'm not sure how to rewrite, but it just seemed a bit awkward.
Also, Little Bobby is refered to as "our little hero", yet I find nothing heroic about his character at all. The fact that he liked to read leads to now character revelation or change. This leads to...
My main point of concern (and the reason I only rated this a 3), which is about the narrative itself. Is this a short story or is it just a childhood recollection? If this is just a recollection, then my only problem would be that the ending to the piece was too abrupt, but if this is a short story, then we need more of a plot and a more convincing finish. As an aside, the fact that I cannot tell one way or another proves how well written the piece actually is.
This piece has many excellent points and was a pleasure to read. Expand on the finish, regardless of whether or not this is fact or fiction, and this will be excellent.
I enjoyed the plot of the story. Conceptually we have all of the elements necessary for a good tale, and there is enough continual suspense to make us want to move on to the next page.
I liked the overall details of the hunters and the hunted. Their feelings and their corresponding actions put us in the middle of the event. It is a very clear picture.
I also liked the characterizations of Ned and Sam. Both characters are very clear and their personalities are brought out extremely well.
The biggest issue I had with the story, generally, was the order of the sections. Specifically, sections one through four were, I thought, misplaced. As it is now, the beginning doesn't jump out at me, and there is a certain lack of flow. I moved sections four and five to the front and found that the piece moved better for me.
I would have also liked to see more characterization for a couple of characters, namely Bentl and Adam. I would like to see something which brings out Brentl's "unicornness". Show us what it is like to be a unicorn. All of the descriptions, outside of the fact that Bentl has one horn and is white, apply to horses in general. I think that Bentl's character, as a unique creature on Earth, could be a strength of this piece. I also wanted to know why Adam had "no thoughts of trophies" as he finished his task. If you provide us with some motivations which bring out why he might act like this, I wouldn't have to pause and think about the ending like I did.
Overall I found this piece to be well drawn out and pleasing to read.
I have posted this on "The Workshop" forum, but wanted to review it publicly as well.
This was an engaging story about a young bride-to-be. I enjoyed the various moods that you created all the way from the shopping for the dress to the final scenes at the wedding itself. One of the aspects of the story that was exceptional was your particular writing style. The piece moved very well from start to finish, and I remained in the fictional reality that you created throughout.
I would have liked to see that conflict more clearly brought out earlier in the piece maybe through more concrete examples of the parent’s selfishness in relation to their daughter. I would also have liked the resolution to have been delayed further on into the story. I felt that we knew that the character would be OK once she knows that Rich will be at the wedding. Perhaps, and this is just me, we could have her confront her parents about their new car instead of having her just look away. By addressing them we know that she can stand on her own, have the support of her new family, and yet, have a moment of doubt towards the end.
A couple of small items: 1) Since she went traditional with the wedding dress, she probably would not see her future husband on her wedding day. Bad luck and all. 2) I think you mean John where you have Todd.
All in all a very enjoyable story.
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