I absolutely love your hook. The fact that you start off with Dialogue you capture the readers attention immediately! But There's the problem. YOU HAVE ALL DIOLOUGE! Maybe you sound add some details. Some cleverly worded paragraphs of details. You are a amazing writer, but the only way you can improve is by writing! So I suggest you go back and add details like touch sense, sight all of the stuff!! Good job so far.
Omg.... This is so sad!The details the words the description. Their perfect. You did such a good job I don't know how you did this. I would never be able to write something so beautifully when its this witheringly sad. The second you read this your draw in. Happy. Smiling. Then... As soon you go on you get this eerie feeling. Like before something bad happens in a horror movie. This is just.. wow. Good job.
First Thought: Hands up mister? What did this boy do, AGAIN. I turned out to be wrong, and I'm quite pleased.
Spelling: "Your shirt ... wrap it around my shoulder ... tightly. You should have a " at the end of that. The only time you don't is, Example:
"I'm writing long mumble jumble cause I don't know what to write here. Am I weird? I think so? Crazy? Heck yes? Kind? Uhhhh, I don't know about that. Sarcastic? Do you even need to ask? Why did you ask anyways? Why do you want to know so much about me? UGH! STOP! NO MORE QUESTIONS.
"I mean like come on! I ask over 160 questions a day, but you? Try two million. It's annoying, and honestly I hate it! Why? DID I JUST NOT SAY TO NOT ASK ANY MORE QUESTIONS?!"
I do not see any spelling or grammar errors other then that, good job!
Details: Very good details! Maybe you should add a little more description. Maybe like, The moon's milky hue poured down on the deserted ally.
Dialogue: Dude! You have so much dialogue. Whenever your reading you always imagine the speakers voice in your head. To give the voices more of tone you should use descriptive words, for example. "Your shirt ... wrap it around my shoulder ... tightly." I rasped through the pain.
Theme: Very intriguing. Kept it the same. Lead directly to the point, no if, ands, or but's.
This is super morbid. (You may want to change the rating.) I like morbid and this is awesome. You have a very good rhythm and a overall amazing theme. The words that you use, example: babbling freaks, are put in exactly the right place!! I do not see any complecations. With poetry you do not need puncuation or any caps!! Grammer is thrown away in poetry. It flows very well. Good job.
I love how this is started. Your first thought this might be a story about a trouble maker little brother, but you soon realize it has a much darker theme to it. I really like how she is describing her brother and looking at this like a past memory.
There is one grammar issue I noticed.
"But that's scalping!" I protested. "This is illegal, isn't it?"
It should be
"But that's scalping!" I protested, "This is illegal, isn't it?"
Very good job! You could add a little more description. Remember, details don't just include sounds, its all of the senses. :)
This is sticking. It is absolutely fascinating. You could add a little bit more to your Rhupunt Poem. I don't think your message come across right. The description of your poem. You say, Two Different Approaches to Prayers. What are the two approaches? Maybe you can tie a couple lines like this.
I looked over
To the Daughter of Sir Grover
And the you add her prayer that is unalike to his. I think it will add more intrest to your poem. Please take these into consideration. Thispoem has so much potential!! I can't wiat to see what you write next.
Lets first start off with that amazing book title! If someone walked randomly into a book start and saw this book title they would think, what the what? And that's AWESOME! The first thing a reader sees is the book cover and the title. Its a eye opener and its amazing! You start off with I was sitting at my desk. Maybe you can form it to be a little more attention grabbing. This is your hook! You want people to want to read more. Sometimes asking a question or writing a short prologue will do that. I would suggest a small prologue! :) This is full of details and is absolutely amazing. Your a amazing writers. This is a very interesting idea. I do not see any spelling errors. And once again you astonished me! How many words do you know that I don't know! Not fair, LOL. Your a amazing writer. I can't wait to read what else you have written! Good job!!
Oh. . . My. . . GOD!! This is so good! I always recommend adding details but your writing is overflowing with wonderful rays of details! When I first started reading this it was hypnotizing. I got lost into your writing, lost in the twisting waves and amazing words that you woven so beautifully into this story. Your story is so deep and it makes you think. It brings a calming feel of peace. You are a amazing writer. I didn't even know what some of the words you used, but I didn't need to look them up. You used description around the word that made me know what you meant. Have you ever read book so good that people have to yell at you to get your attention? This is what happened to me. You are a amazing writer! That you so much for sharing this. I'm speechless.
Woah. This is a very cool idea. You could add some more details. Maybe when she's drunk describe it, maybe? Or how the cars looked to her? Why did she drink that night? Maybe a couple flashbacks? Your amazing writer and this idea is such a out of the box idea and you did a amazing job at writing it. Your a amazing writer! Good job.
Your details are absolutely amazing. You bring across so many emotions and your descriptions! They are absolutely amazing. I can imagine everything. Perfectly. When your watching movie you can see everything happening and its extremely difficult to bring that same effect in writing, but you did it perfectly! The emotions come across perfectly and I can not find a single thing wrong with this! I tried but it is perfect. You repetition,(beat, beat, beat of her heart....) it brings a round of suspense and its absolutely amazing. You have a great mood and I am absolutely astounded by this writing! Amazing job!
Hmmmm, this is kind of short, don't you think? Your quote is good on and it makes you think, but I think you could change this up a bit! Maybe write a short paragraph that has some kind a meaning to you, before you start the quotes and words of wisdom! I think you have a great idea here and I can't wait to see what you do with it. Good job.
Woah... This is absolutely amazing! Your description and details! They are to die for! I wish I could write like that. Your text has a unforgettable, natural beauty to it. I think you could turn this into a poem. You did a amazing job, some published writers can't describe as well as you do! Good job!
This is absolutely amazing! Your poem is calm yet ecstatic. If I'm completely honest I'm at a loss for words over the beauty and grace of this poem. This is the type of writing everyone wishes they could say was theirs. You are amazing writing! Thank you so much for sharing this!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/trismintin
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 5:57pm on Nov 23, 2024 via server WEBX1.
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
