I absolutely love your hook. The fact that you start off with Dialogue you capture the readers attention immediately! But There's the problem. YOU HAVE ALL DIOLOUGE! Maybe you sound add some details. Some cleverly worded paragraphs of details. You are a amazing writer, but the only way you can improve is by writing! So I suggest you go back and add details like touch sense, sight all of the stuff!! Good job so far.
Omg.... This is so sad!The details the words the description. Their perfect. You did such a good job I don't know how you did this. I would never be able to write something so beautifully when its this witheringly sad. The second you read this your draw in. Happy. Smiling. Then... As soon you go on you get this eerie feeling. Like before something bad happens in a horror movie. This is just.. wow. Good job.
This is super morbid. (You may want to change the rating.) I like morbid and this is awesome. You have a very good rhythm and a overall amazing theme. The words that you use, example: babbling freaks, are put in exactly the right place!! I do not see any complecations. With poetry you do not need puncuation or any caps!! Grammer is thrown away in poetry. It flows very well. Good job.
I love how this is started. Your first thought this might be a story about a trouble maker little brother, but you soon realize it has a much darker theme to it. I really like how she is describing her brother and looking at this like a past memory.
There is one grammar issue I noticed.
"But that's scalping!" I protested. "This is illegal, isn't it?"
It should be
"But that's scalping!" I protested, "This is illegal, isn't it?"
Very good job! You could add a little more description. Remember, details don't just include sounds, its all of the senses. :)
This is sticking. It is absolutely fascinating. You could add a little bit more to your Rhupunt Poem. I don't think your message come across right. The description of your poem. You say, Two Different Approaches to Prayers. What are the two approaches? Maybe you can tie a couple lines like this.
I looked over
To the Daughter of Sir Grover
And the you add her prayer that is unalike to his. I think it will add more intrest to your poem. Please take these into consideration. Thispoem has so much potential!! I can't wiat to see what you write next.
Woah. This is a very cool idea. You could add some more details. Maybe when she's drunk describe it, maybe? Or how the cars looked to her? Why did she drink that night? Maybe a couple flashbacks? Your amazing writer and this idea is such a out of the box idea and you did a amazing job at writing it. Your a amazing writer! Good job.
Your details are absolutely amazing. You bring across so many emotions and your descriptions! They are absolutely amazing. I can imagine everything. Perfectly. When your watching movie you can see everything happening and its extremely difficult to bring that same effect in writing, but you did it perfectly! The emotions come across perfectly and I can not find a single thing wrong with this! I tried but it is perfect. You repetition,(beat, beat, beat of her heart....) it brings a round of suspense and its absolutely amazing. You have a great mood and I am absolutely astounded by this writing! Amazing job!
Hmmmm, this is kind of short, don't you think? Your quote is good on and it makes you think, but I think you could change this up a bit! Maybe write a short paragraph that has some kind a meaning to you, before you start the quotes and words of wisdom! I think you have a great idea here and I can't wait to see what you do with it. Good job.
Woah... This is absolutely amazing! Your description and details! They are to die for! I wish I could write like that. Your text has a unforgettable, natural beauty to it. I think you could turn this into a poem. You did a amazing job, some published writers can't describe as well as you do! Good job!
This is absolutely amazing! Your poem is calm yet ecstatic. If I'm completely honest I'm at a loss for words over the beauty and grace of this poem. This is the type of writing everyone wishes they could say was theirs. You are amazing writing! Thank you so much for sharing this!
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