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Review by Theino Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
Hey there! This is an interesting piece. You have a wide range of word usage, which is a good thing. I think the main thing you need to work on is showing, not telling. I know its a cliche to say it, but it is very relevant.

Here are some sentences:
"At the same time the forest was set ablaze by the dragon’s fire."

"The flames spread quickly overwhelming the village and most of the villagers who had not been hurt by the dragon’s fly by attack."

"Then the dragoon moaned and Clovis realized the man was still alive, yet only barely."

One way to help show is ask yourself how; how did the forest light on fire, tree to tree, forest floor to tree, brush? how did they overwhelm the villagers, were they hiding inside their wooden houses? how did the dragoon moan? loudly, feebily, with a blood soaked cough? (and since he moaned, you don't really need to tell us Clovis realized he was alive, make him jump or something of the like when he realizes instead of just telling us he realized)

Here are few other things that could be worked on:

"It was an unusually warm late autumn afternoon*.* in Hebron village nestled between the Ephraim Mountains and Ramot Forest." This sentence needs to be two.

"He thought as now looked in the direction of the armor deamon’s partially eat body." Incomplete sentence.

I hope this helps, keep writing
Brock Sansome
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