I like that your trying to inspire revolution. We are on the brink of renaissance either way, but I am not convinced when you say "there is one thing I am absolutely sure of/ I can change myself, and you can change yourself." I, the reader, did not come into this being absolutely sure of such great power. The problems you speak of in the beginning of the essay are problems of nature. Human Nature. Things one might say have never been changed in the history of humans.
This essay would be more powerful if you explain how it's possible to change. In a deterministic world, bound by the laws of nature, time, and beliefs that come from outside the self, it seems like it's quite the feat to even explain such an idea.
to tell the truth as i read through the poem i became a little less intrested with every stanza until i got hit with the last one and then i was blown away. im not into organized religion, but i can feel the power of the bible or whatever makes christianity appealing in that stanza.
the third stanza was my second favorite, but the rest didn't hook me like that last one.
i like this story alot. I especially like the voice you use. It's so unique. I love the ending, too but anyway, the only critique i have is that, there's a few typos, (happens to me all the time when then story just flows on to the paper), but also I think you explained a little to much. "All he needed was to see that his situation of bondage was only temporal. Every situation man finds himself comes and goes. Through faith in some form of God or deity, we can achieve the impossible." I realize that is pretty much the moral of your story, but in my opinion it might be better to let the reader figure it out on their own, just as rooster did? i don't know just my opinion. Great story though.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/thedankins
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 6:46am on Nov 08, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
