Thanks for letting me read and review your work!
Of course you are not obligated to apply my suggestions, nor will I be upset if you don't agree.

First Impressions:
This could be amazing, but right now I'm just feeling MEH about it.

Structure:
Your poem flows to well. Consider breaking it up and adding more stanzas

Flow, Pacing, Meter, and/or Sentence variation(deductions: 1 star):
The main problem in this poem is sentence variation. Here is where my "meh" comes in. This would be cool if it were a few emotions but it goes on with the same structure long enough for the reader to wander away and check the text messages on her iphone.

Longing for a love not returned,
Embarrassed for holding on,
Aching for the touch of a man, my man,
Jealous of those in whom I should take shelter,
Angry for not possessing their charm to use,
Resentful for allowing others to abuse,
Bitter from betrayals by those who did harm,
Exhausted from battling unrevealed fears,
Grieving over the loss of wasted years,
Thirsting for freedom, pressured by the urge to run,
Confused by the constant chatter in my mind,
Desperate for a new stimulus or change to find,
Yearning for peace, for discontentment to cease

Your rhyme sceme in this part is also too simple and not well-metered. I think you also need to consider if you want a rhyming poem or not.
I colored most of the rhymes.
use abuse
fears years
peace cease

These are all too simple and seem to occur at the same time. Play with this, set up a meter. The rhymes you have are okay, but play with this and add to it. Don't just repeat rhyming words but repeat sounds as well. For example:

Cake appreciate.
use refuge
tears seeringly
peace people



Theme, Conflict/Dialogue,(deductions: .5) :
Your theme was very clear, but it lost impact in the repetition of emotions I mentioned earlier.

Other Notes & Overall Thoughts:
you've got a lot to work with here. Just take some time, sit back, and then read through your poem again.

Thanks,

The_Cavity

P.S.: If you decide to edit your item, and want me to re-review or re-rate. I'd be delighted to do that. Just send me an e-mail with your item's bitem.

Thanks for letting me read and review your work!
Of course you are not obligated to apply my suggestions, nor will I be upset if you don't agree.

First Impressions(deductions:0 stars):
You have a good short story here, but it needs a little help and a little more focus. Or as my head keeps thinking...a little less jumbly

General Grammar(deductions: 1 star):
I'm not the grammar police, but

I would suggest being cautious of consecutive word repetition.
I was a painter once, although I can’t quite remember when it started. I know quite vividly when it stopped, for the scars still have yet to heal.

The word quite is repeated to close to the quite before it. You do this in other areas as well.

Rambly run-on sentences:

So the girl dies, and it’s a shame, but the real tragedy is that I can great incredible masterpieces that would stand the test of time, if only I were still allowed on the open road.

Please Consider:So the girl dies,and it's a shame. The real tragedy is that I can make incredible masterpieces that would stand the test of time if I were still allowed on the open road.

It looks just like a stop sign should, and if the one that I ran were as bright and vivid as the ones in my paintings, then maybe that mother would still have all of her kids in working order.

Please Consider: It looks like a stop sign should. If the one I ran was as bright and vivid as the ones in my paintings, then maybe that mother would have all of her kids in working order.

Your ending line:
This is what you leave your readers with and it says more than it needs to..
After all, what’s one human life, more or less, when I have the ability to build a world?

Please Consider: After all, what is one human life when I have the ability to build a world?

Structure(deductions:.5):

More space is needed in between each paragraph. Also, please consider that every paragraph represents a new thought. You have a narrator who does a lot of digressing.

Flow, Pacing, Meter, and/or Sentence variation(deductions: 0 star):

Please refer to rambly run-on sentence comment in grammar section.

You may want to give this a read-through in a few months. Your narrator does a lot of rambling, and telling instead of showing. Think to yourself when you read through:

Does this progress my plot?
Does this give added detail or dimmension to my character?
Does this show what is happening?

If it doesn't do one of those things consider tossing the thought/sentence.

Theme, Conflict/Dialogue,(deductions: 0 stars) :
I liked the narrator. The narrator seemed to understand what he did was wrong, but at the same time he cared more for his art. How obnoxious, and great for a short story. The theme and conflict are great! The narrator is a great character!

I wish you'd added some interaction in the story. Just to get it out of the narrators head and show how people react to the artist.

Maybe some dialogue to:
Like an apology scene, where the mother doesn't believe the narrator is sincere. This is a great character just give him a little more.

Other Notes & Overall Thoughts:
I think you just need to edit and re-write. Put the story away for a little while and come back to it. You seem like you've got some great ideas. Good job! Keep Writing!


Thanks,

The_Cavity

P.S.: If you decide to edit your item, and want me to re-review or re-rate. I'd be delighted to do that. Just send me an e-mail with your item's bitem.

Thanks for letting me read and review your work!
Of course you are not obligated to apply my suggestions, nor will I be upset if you don't agree.

First Impressions(deductions: .5 stars):
It's a good poem, but it isn't a great poem. It's a good poem in that it meets most of the requirements I think a good poem should have, but I just don't think that it is a memorable poem.

Flow, Pacing, Meter, and/or Sentence variation:
This poem flows very well, and I think that it has an excellent meter.

Theme, Conflict/Dialogue,(deductions: .5stars) :
Here's what takes this poem away from being great. Characterization. What makes this couple more than a family with 2 kids and a some hang-ups? What about the time when little Bartie careened into the trash can on his sled and got three stitiches. Or what about the times when her mother died, and they stayed strong?


Thanks,

The_Cavity

P.S.: If you decide to edit your item, and want me to re-review or re-rate. I'd be delighted to do that. Just send me an e-mail with your item's bitem.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **