Wow. Did you really just wrote this one within a minute? wow. It's so beautiful especially the part where each tear has its own story.
The first stanza really caught my attention and I easily formed an image in my head. It was like: a girl holding a book she's read a hundred times before, reading a line she's read over and over. She could not concentrate because she was crying. Each tear fell on the book, but the pages were of good quality (like the pages in an expensive textbook) In that way, the tears kept flowing. I also saw words in each tear. This poem was inside one of her tears that was all about her fears. Nice! I love the first stanza
Your work provided great imagery for me.
I just have some issues with this stanza:
Although you told her she'd be like that
She won't be like that
The determination grows
Although you told a child that they would be that way
They won't be that way
Her determination shows.
Maybe you could try to make it more formal? The 'that' took away the seriousness of the poem. Don't remove the two "her /the determination grows"; it complements the whole thing. Also, consider using "would not," instead of "won't." it makes the poem sound very formal.
The Part that I like most:
But that's a different tear,
A different story,
A different song.
Overall, it was really great. I will be very honored to review it again whe you edit it.
Wow! Just wow! No wonder you won 1st place. That's so nice. You write so well that it kept me going until the end... until the end of the end. I'm really sorry about your aunt, though. She seems such a nice intelligent person.
"Aunt Sarah" reminds me of my dad. He's pretty intelligent too.
"She would be walking by, stare at the TV screen for a few seconds, then deliver the answer to the question, long before the contestants could. You would not dare challenge her in Trivial Pursuit, or Scrabble, or Jeopardy-her favorite."
-- Like my dad. Only, he likes "Are You Smarted Than a Fifth Grader?" and "Who wants to be a millionare?" He reads the dictionary too. Isn't that nice? I hope he doesn't get alzheimer's... If he does, (Which I don't think will happen) I'll be the keeper of his memories, just like you with your aunt.
I just love this part: "She is grateful that someone is preserving her memories, and that I, whom she refers to as her favorite niece (I'm the only niece she's got), is becoming the keeper of her memories."
This is such a wonderful story and thanks for sharing. I hope your aunt gets well. (Alzheimer's disease is curable.... just trust in God. He cured my mom's friend's cancer. She didn't even need operation or chemotheraphy, all she needed was God.)
Write On!
- Steffany R. Cale
P.S. How old are you now? You were 14 in the first part of the story. The story's time *something* (I don't know what it's called) is more than 2 years. So, 14+ n>2= n>16? I'm 16. Anyway, thanks again for this great story and please tell me when you complete that novel. Good Luck!
Ohhh!!! How I loved all of it! It has a nice serious yet sad tone, which worked well for the poem.
I guess the poem was about being in prison or something, am I right? You expressed the feeling very well. The poem did not also rhyme and that added to the seriousness of it.
My favorite part:
There is only the blank void I live from now on.
What little light there is stares back at me,
Unblinking
Like a teasing salvation I can never reach,
Wow! that was great! I was kind of sorry for the man.... aww. He did such a good thing, accepting Leon as his friend and all but he only got shot. ohh.... Poor Bobby!
Everything flowed nicely and each of your words hit my heart. That's because I have a brother who befriended a retard not long ago. He often regarded him as his slave but now he tells everyone that that boy is his most loyal friend.
I liked the effect of the flowers when he died. It was such a good ending. I also liked how the retard acted. He didn't know any better so he assumed that Bobby was joking, am I right? I loved everything!
I loved this part: "Not on the floor of a seven-eleven with my life's blood flowing towards the Cheetos display. " It was realistic.
Also this one:
"I hit the floor with a silent "whoosh" instead of the thud I had anticipated.
The flowers had cushioned my fall.
They were everywhere. All types of flowers. I could see and smell them.
The last thing I saw was Leon. He had the biggest bouquet I have ever seen.
"Come on Bobby. Let's go! Gosh yes."
My bed and I had finally met. Redemption smells like a rose." Of course, there were no flowers but that was the good present Leon gave him.
His death was a nice one. I hope I die like that (with flowers, with my life being fullfilled and everything I love around me).. lol... not yet... I'm afraid of death.
Hi.
This is a very informative article and I can say that you have a large vocabulary. I had problems with the tone though. It seemed very relaxed and soft. It just wasn't right for me.
Your article also has many subtle details.
When you want to give out information, your tone should be like that of a preacher. Your work should be clear and conveys thought to others.
After I read your work, all that I understood were about how you missed your son, the book cover your friend made, how bookstores are closing everywhere and that you wanted to self-publish your own book because you didn't want to get your dreams crushed.
(I don't agree with that idea. "Gone with the Wind" was rejected 50 times but did the author stop? No.
Sending your manuscript to a publishing company would really help you.) (I did my research.)
Please, please just punch the readers in the face. Tell us what you really mean.
Sorry about this but receiving this kind of comments makes a writer stronger.
I'm just sixteen so I don't really have
"the experience" YET. Plus, English isn't my native language. I just told you how I felt about your work.
In a nutshell, I just wanted to say that:
You should change the TONE, ORGANIZE your article and TRUST in publishing companies.
GOD BLESS
Keep on Writing!
-tepishane-
P.S. I also receive comments like these and I find them really helpful.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/tepishane_13
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 6:43pm on Dec 11, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Wow. Did you really just wrote this one within a minute? wow. It's so beautiful especially the part where each tear has its own story. 
Your work provided great imagery for me.