I found that there was a lot of build up, which set the scene very nicely, but once we got the main event I was a little disappointed. Although you expect it to be disjointed, it was a tad to much. While you want the reader to get the same sense as if they were watching this as a horror movie, you still need to describe the scene a little more. What happened to the other two? What did your main character see happen to them?
Besides this I enjoyed the story very much. You did good work.
From a structural point of view the poem was consistant in rhyme and rhythm. Your form stayed consistant as well.
From a content point of view it was very powerful. There was a good flow of information, you eased the reader into, dropping small bits of information along the way rather than bludgening the reader with what was happening. A very powerful piece of work. From a personal stand point I can relate closely to some of it and found it very moving. You conveyed the emotion of the piece very well. Good job
The rhythm is fragmented, you keep changing the rhym. I think it would flow better as three line verses if u were to keep with the same rhythm.
I can also see were you are trying to go with the imagery but verses 3, 4 and 5 were a littled confusing, not sure if it is the imagery you chose to use or if it is the broken rhythm.
Sorry I couldn't give you a better review, go over it again and try to simplyfy it. Also remember that it doesn't have to rhym. I think part of the problem with some of the lines is that you have tried to hard to make it rhym and have used the wrong words.
look up the rules for free form verse. This might help you.
This competition has been running strong and consistantly since I first started visiting this site. It gives all of us a chance to do create short and sometimes silly little pieces to brighten our day. I know it has helped me with writers block many a time. Thanks for the fun and diversion.
Not a bad poem at all. It is simple and flows well. The fifth verse however was a bit stilted with the repeat of 'together' it just didn't flow right to me.
I would also suggest splitting the last verse into two two line verses like the rest. I think it will give it a better flow and impact. The shortened lines give the shattering effect and would work better with the rest of the poem if the verses are the same length. Also by bunching those four lines together the reader can tell before they read the words that something has changed. I believe there would be greater impact on the reader if they don't see it coming, but then I like to sneak things up on my readers... i'm just evil that way.
I really liked this. I'm even more impressed as it is a prompt inspired piece of work. Many of those I find, though good, lack emotional content. But this piece of work really conveys the sadness and frustration of the character. I loved the ending. I didn't think that was the way it was going so I was pleasantly surprised.
The structure of the story is sound and the flow was good. I liked the minimal dialogue, anymore would have detracted away from the emotions that were being portrayed. I like that you weren't afraid to go without masses of dialogue. It is a nice change from many stories of this vain.
I'm very impressed with this especially as you are just beginning.
I have read and reviewed many 'Shakespearean' sonnets but this is one of the very few that I think fit the form. It has the feel of a Shakespearean sonnet, were many others are simply sonnets that are masquerading. Not that they aren't good but they just don't have that feel to them.
The flow is great, the meter balanced. You have shown that you have a true grasp of the Shakespearean style. Yours is the first poem I have ever given a 5 to.
Fantastic job
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