Initial Reaction
Hello, my name is Tim and I would like to provide my review for your draft for the scene Memory.
This proved a fascinating read and I would be interested in seeing more of the twin’s story. You provided an insight to the brotherly love that siblings, not just twins, share. While they may care about each other, teasing can be a constant but beware any other that chooses to taunt the sibling.
Characters
The two main characters are obviously from an impoverished family, poorly educated, using slang and southern colloquialisms.
You created a believable character in James, providing him with depth and feelings. Tour presentation of Clint was not as descriptive, but as this seemed to be more from James’ viewpoint it is acceptable, perhaps even preferable that we cannot see into his mind.
The older boys were typical bullies found in cities and rural communities. Oddly enough, and an aspect I liked, you provided the leader of these bullies with a grudging respect of James when instead of punishing James as his gang expected he walked away.
Setting
The rural playground setting you described covered enough to provide the backdrop for this scene.
Grammar, Punctuation and Spelling
The lack of spacing between paragraphs did make this a bit difficult to read and review. I would suggest double spacing between paragraphs.
Your use of the grammar of poor young boys was accurate. However, some words might be better chosen. As well as James’ continued usage of “Seb” in referring to his brother Clint, I am unfamiliar with this term except as a nickname for Sebastian. Perhaps it is a colloquialism I have not heard before, which may also confuse other readers. It could also be his nickname for his brother but without an clarification I do not know.
Your second paragraph is " I didn' say I was gon' jump." I am sure it is just a typographical error, however there should not be a space between the first quotation mark and I. Also the word “gon'” should, in most cases, be “gonna.”
Your seventh paragraph has four errors, two grammatical, another colloquial and the third a misplaced word. “"I ain't never seen you do it b'fore," he said, allowing a small amount of a taunt to weave it'sits way into his words.” Again, the usual word in the place of “b’fore” is “a’fore.” It should read “its way” without an apostrophe. “Its” is the possessive form of it, “it’s” is the contraction of “it is.” Your misplaced word is in “so he had hoped his Clint could easily sense” it should read either “so he had hoped his brother could easily sense” or drop “his” and just leave it as “so he had hoped Clint could easily sense” also the word “had” is not only unnecessary but changes the tense.
The ninth paragraph is "You prob'ly won' even do it, I bet." The colloquialism is “prolly” or “probly” without the apostrophe. Although the latter term is a recent addition attributed to misspelling in texts and chatting on the Internet.
The tenth paragraph contains “There was no doubt that he was hooked in now,” I would suggest dropping the word “in” as it would make the structure flow smoother.
In the thirteenth paragraph, you stated that the kids pushed James to the side without stating that he fell to the ground as shown in the fifteenth paragraph “before pushing himself back up to his feet.” I would suggest adding editing “The other boys behind him laughed rather quickly, completely unaware that James was now giving them all.” To
“The other boys behind him laughed rather quickly, completely unaware that James was now giving them a furious death glare from the ground where he had fallen as they pushed him out of the way.” in the fourteenth paragraph to show this. In addition, the all is unnecessary, as you have already said “them.” In the same paragraph “Their was a struggle falling into his eyes and for a moment” the “Their” should be “There” I am also not sure about the phrasing “falling into his eyes” and perhaps “There was confusion within his eyes” or “The struggle for words was apparent within his eyes.”
In the seventeenth paragraph, you missed the apostrophe in “hit hard against the boys face” correctly it should read “hit hard against the boy’s face.”
The eighteenth paragraph reads “He snapped his fingers once and before James get himself away” is a bit awkward and I would suggest “He snapped his fingers once and before James could get away.”
In the twenty-fourth paragraph you have a wrong word choice in “those boys could not leave thinking they had one.” It should read “those boys could not leave thinking they had won.”
The next paragraph read “He could taste iron within seconds” however the taste of blood is most often referred to as copper.
In the thirty-fourth paragraph “James just sort of starred blankly” should be “James just sort of stared blankly.”
Finally, my suggestion for the thirty-fifth paragraph is a word change in “Clint's heart sank miserably beneath his chest” to I would switch “beneath” to “Clint's heart sank miserably inside his chest.”
Plot
You provide a good interaction between siblings when one enjoys displaying a subtle control over the other. This same character also displays the protectionism that tempers their rivalry when others try to interfere. James is a typical example of someone not afraid to stand up for himself despite the odds against him. He has only two futures ahead of him, either the hero or, as in your description, the psychopath.
Closing Comments
I enjoyed reading the scene and the interaction between all the characters. I believe everyone has seen examples of each of these boys and can feel empathy for them on some level. I look forward to reading more.
There is one more final suggestion I would make. In the description you point out one of the twins grows up to be a psychopath. This scene describes only a few minutes in their young lives and I do not think it necessarily needs to be in there.
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| (4.0)
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