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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/taoistfruitbat
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4 Public Reviews Given
5 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Taoist FruitBat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Well, I like this, the action is pretty good. You show and not tell and all the good stuff. The thing I personally don't like is how you know the names of the bandits, I mean, I know your not using a limited viewpoint, but still, it seems a bit awkward.

Perhaps have Bolik yell at somebody by name and show that person doing what Bolik said or something. Also at first you can't tell whose human .

“I think I got him!” Ker yelled.
“That's me, you idiot!” Molin replied angrily.

So are they human? I don't know, maybe something like

“I think I got him!” Ker yelled.
“That's me, you idiot!” a human voice replied angrily.
"Oh, sorry Molin"

^ maybe something of that nature?

You should also describe the city more. If the main characters go there later you won't have to explain it that much.

Also you might consider using said more than "yelled" "replied" "asked" "offered" ect.
To many can slow the flow of the conversation, "said" the reader kinda just glances over this real fast. It is usually apparent if the person is yelling or real angry. You should only use others if it really contributes.

Apart from that this was an pretty, no, super awsome story.
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Review of Creep Street  Open in new Window.
Review by Taoist FruitBat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
Okay, ummm, yea. First of all it is a bit confusing with all the text mushed together, so you might want to use paragraphs.

Also you seem to be overusing exclamation marks, I mean, they are good for showing emotion, but useing to many exclamation marks can make to writeing look bad and not to well done. It makes the writer look lazy (which is bad, no body wants to look lazy.)

You might also want to show more and not tell, for example, instead of saying .

"She's Indian and believes in lots mythical creatures. She's insane but that's the reason that I like her as a friend.The text said 'YO!r u at yor nw house?'"

you could show she's crazy by saying something like The text said

'YO!r u at yor nw house? CarFul, i hEarS th3res teh DRAGONz there. "
so you can see she believes in them, and by her crazy spelling you realize she's insane.

You also never set the setting, you need to explain what the house looks like, show the weather, what is the car like, how far away did she move, ect.

On the plus side your showing lots of emotion and telling how much the character doesn't want to move and misses her friends and so on, so theres a good effort there.
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