I have just been introduced to this style of poetry through the Writing.Com Poetry Newsletter. This is my first read, besides the example in the Newsletter. From what I can see, you did an excellent job with this form. It was a well formed, easy three reads for me. Everything is coherent, relevant. The sentiment of the poem and it's direction were not lost for the sake of the form. Amazing write.
I love this piece. It has a gentle flow that nudges the reader along. I like the repetition of "Sometimes I whisper" and the different instances it is used. Very well done.
What an excellent and perceptive piece. The author writes as if from a personal experience. The thoughtful craftmanship of this piece drew this reader to the same conclusion that the author explained after the piece, while I was yet reading it. Masterful use of rhymes, they lead a nice rhythimic flow and each rhyming word used was meaningful for the piece. An introspective and thought-provoking read. Very well done.
Wonderfully written! I love the way you entertwined the racing pit stop with the diaper change. You delivered the two ideas as one, flawlessly. An added plus about this piece is that it did not focus on the analogy so much that there was no emotion to it. I enjoyed the lightheartedness and loving tone of this piece. A very nice children's poem, I could see parents reading this to their little ones with a smile. Very nicely done!
This is a very delightful piece that is both whimsical and meaningful. I was intrigued by the mouse and followed him on his search, so good job in drawing the reader into the piece. With a light-hand you lead the trail straight to a purpose. The rhyming leant a pleasant flow to the piece. An enjoyable read.
Short and sweet with a big heart. Nicely done, the rhyme and the flow make for a pleasant read. The comparison of the egos verses love are vividly expressed. I have a little trouble with the last two lines. They are a little "bulky" for me and the use of the word grind seems more convenient than necessary for the meaning. But this piece does what I think it's designed to do and that is convey a message of self-examination if you want to find love.
The imagery of the broken wings of a very special person is vividly portrayed. I could see the person putting on a "happy face" to please others while dying inside. The rhymes and the flow are good. I thought that the the last two lines could have been more in sync, perhaps, "Still friends, whom she loves and adores". Just a thought to make that line shorter to better flow with the last line. Nicely done.
What a hearwrenching and deeply emotional piece. The rhyme and flow are well blended and lends to a good reading experience. The imagery is very vivid, I can see the bare winter trees, the snow covered ground and the heavy heart you drag to the spot where you must carry out the unspeakable task. You clearly expressed the inner wrestling and pain associated with the task. You had one type-o in the second line of the second verse, "it grip", I'm sure you meant "it's grip". The flow, as I said was good throughout, I only lost the flow once at the end with the second line, because it was a bit shorter than the last line.
This is a genuine, honest and endearing piece. The sentiment expressed evokes an image of a percieved uneven match. It bespeaks the authors humility in light of his partner's contribution to the relationship. I appreciate the way you tied in the title within the write in expression of your partner's ideal of you and at the end turning it around to express your ideal of her. Nice job.
This is a very nice, light-hearted, yet thought provoking piece. I particularly liked the way you flipped the first two verses, changing the meaning according to the changed view of the glass being half empty or half full. The rhyming worked very well for this piece, keeping a nice flow making for an easy, pleasant read. Even though this was a sort of "tongue-in-cheek" piece it is still meaningful, well-thought out and interesting. Great job!
I am quite impressed with this piece, especially since you say this is only your second poem. It's very natural and has a great flow. The rhyme element is not "hokie", but rather, lends to the flow. The expressions are from the heart and easily conjures up an image of a person with a deeply wounded heart. Very well done.
This is an honest, heartfelt piece about a tragic end to a young loved ones life. I appreciate the raw emotion in expressing a write on this subject. A softer tone would have taken away from its value. The rhyming is good, for the most part. There were a couple of places where you made the rhyme within lines rather than at the end of the lines:
The sixth verse:
You hid it all, now we're watching you fall
Brings a tear to my eye, that we're watching you die
Doing that takes away from the general flow of the piece and may be disjointing for readers. Nonetheless, this is very well expressed and comes across as a heartfelt and real piece.
I like the way you consistantly used the imagery of the mist and the breaking up of the mist as a metaphor for your feelings. The mist and your feelings were freely interchanged without loosing comprehension of the piece. I would say that it was dreamy for me but not magical. Perhaps, magical in the way you intermingled the imagery.
Nicely written on a sensitive subject. I particularly like the way you brought the subject into light with the verse:
"Her world is full of tricks.
Her men are men named John.
They come to get their kicks,
They ‘cum’ and then their gone.
Slyly, wily, sneaking, peeking,
Always gone by dawn.
Very tastefully done. I also liked the way you used line five of each verse with descriptive words to sum up it's verse. Excellent!
Excellent introspective piece. The flow and rhyme make this very easy to read and follow. This piece takes you into the mind of the person who feels unworthy of God's blessing or grace. I particularly appreciated the verse:
"I cannot seem to muster
Driven drives that hide within –
I rarely ever answer them
(Unless upon a whim.)
Dishonor rides upon me
As I buck and as I stray;
I talk the talk without the walk –
With little right to pray…"
This poem speaks with both reverence and frustration for not being able to bring oneself to measure up. Great work!
Beautifully expressed as a voice for these little victims. The flow and rhyme of this piece are wonderful. This is a truly heartfelt and moving piece. The reader can percieve that it comes from someone close to the subject matter. It comes across as educating the unaware of this problem and as a vigilent plea for change. I particularly appreciated the verse, "The children do not run for help, They know not where to go; One seldom hears a young one yelp…Sheer fear inside does grow." So well depicts the plight of these children. Great write! Bravo!
Vivid expression of an emotionally pained person. This write comes from the depths of darkness that no human should have to experience, but unfortunately does. Very well expressed. I would suggest that you not allow your lines to go so uneven. I know you're trying to maintain 3-line verses but when a line is so much longer than the other lines it's a bit distracting for the reader and takes away from the flow. All-in-all it is a piece that is heartfelt, honest and soulful, all of which makes for good reading.
Oh, one more thing, the third line in the first verse has a type-o, you wrote "a" instead of "I lay awake",
Wow! Yes it does come across as stark and sad. Deeply emotional piece, tying in your feelings of hand-me-downs from childhood all the way to your lover. Excellent execution in bringing the reader to really concieve your feelings about the unfaithful lover. Great job!
LOL! Very enjoyable going down memory lane with you. I appreciate the honesty in this piece and the comparison of how passionate you felt about that hairstyle at 17 and how you repulse it now. An introspective and delightful piece. Well written and visually stimulating.
Very insightful and introspective. Shows courage and growth to ackowledge your own shortcomings. I was a little confused with the line "I see now why you went how you did". I'm not sure if it was an oversight or you meant to write it that way, but should there be a comma after went? Also the line "addictions of my own that sometimes take precedence" kinda took me out of the flow because of it's length. Otherwise, great writing. Heartfelt and powerful.
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