I think this is a beautiful story. I had to give this a five because I am sitting in 80 degree weather with birds singing in the background and I still felt as if I was there in winter.
Your story also made tears come to my eyes.
Very well written and a great message.
Thanks,
Tammy
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I have sat here for a time being completely in awe of what I read. Then, wondering if my simpleness is worthy enough to comment. I feel brave today.
I love your use of words, and the imagery that they project is wonderful. It is even better because it is for someone/about someone.
Here are the combinations of words that I feel create a unique portrait:
Your sunshine dawns a shy-like doe
cityscape becomes a fawn
grey becomes a pussywillow fog
sunny palette of pastels
flesh-bruised purple and guilt-stained black
Marvelous. I hope he loved it.
Oh, one question, what is snirt? Something I have not heard of or a miss spelling?
Cute story. My children loved scary stories especially around a campfire.
Part I didn't like:
Entering the forest, the darkness crept upon him like roaches in an all-night diner. Just seemed a bit out of place with the tone and setting.
Part I did like:
Most of it
I like the charaters and that the story is modeled after the children that are listening to it.
It is a story that has a few components to it that can later be used to expand upon.
The story moved a long at a good pace and kept my attention. I want to hear more about the little old man.
Good job.
Tammy
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You have a good story, with a little work it can be much better. Here are the changes I would make if it were mine.
From: The only thing disturbing the silence, a creek not far off crashing over stones, running its’ course.
To: The only sound disturbing the silence was a creek, not far, off crashing over stones and running its course.
From: To the right lay young Connell aloft in his cradle slumbering peacefully.
To: To the right lay young Connell, aloft in his cradle, slumbering peacefully.
"...English and let them win; it had been their goal..." Note a semicolon instead of a comma after win.
"Picking up his staff along the way." This is an incomplete sentence. You could try, "Once at the door he picked up his staff." or "Before going out, he picked up his staff."
"...their mother stood grazing, rousing them ..." I would use a semicolon after grazing.
Good story. I will gladly look at this again after any changes you make.
Good descriptive writing. I can see the cabin and smoke. I can hear the sounds of the creek.
This is so sad.
The rhyme works well and does not distract from the importance or feeling of the poem.
People don't always understand the pressures on those who wear blue and how those pressures will effect them mentally.
Nicely done.
Sorry for your loss.
Tammy
This is a fun little poem for Jesus and I bet he enjoys it very much.
The word flow is good and I did not see any spelling errors.
My only suggestion:
How can you sing for Jesus
How can you worship His grace
Your voice is weak and whiny
Singing distorts your face
change to:
How can I sing for Jesus
How can I worship His grace
My voice is weak and whiny
Singing distorts my face
Well, Bluesman you did a great job on this short story.
You accomplished your goal of having a romantic story with a tragic ending.
The story kept my attention through out.
One thing that needs fixing
"Did Jared planned a surprise for our anniversary?..."
Change the word "did" to the word "had" or change "planned" to "plan". That's all.
It would be a 5 after the changes.
Best of luck in the contest.
This is nice. It gives a picture of what New Orleans is like now.
I have friends who have gone for months to help rebuild. The stories I hear are sad but at the same time, there so many signs of hope.
Good job on this.
A sad story yet one I fear has happened often.
I thought it was very well written though it could use a little more showing of their emotion than telling. I think, as a woman I could feel her pain so much more with descriptions of internal physical responses than just stating the emotion felt. I want to feel her pain so I can want to find a way to help her. In the last sentence of the first paragraph there is a minor error, you need to drop the be that comes before soon. I hope this has helped some. Good writing!
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