The entity is having trouble, his breathing is hoarse and uncontrollable. The entity is an unwilling voice, an unknowing answer, and garners a logic that guides yet causes pain. A masculine entity, impatient, excited, and slightly confused, is rather flustered by the cat; he wants to kick it, but calms to the soothing point, to the edge of what, a lipse of pain. It wasn't a feline, but a dog; or rather, some sort of 'thing', blocking me. not even close, damn it!
Breathing is good. Yes, it really doesn't matter now that, I'm breathing.
This is my reinterpretation of your fascinating piece. Good job!
It sounds like a parable, and is formatted in such a way that it seems that important messages are layered in the text. I like how each of your paragraphs are of relatively similar length, which can give the impression of guidance in your words. And although I didn't quite understand everything that was said, I felt myself nodding occassionally as I read. Good job!
Ok, good! She got away! Phew!
Then she shakes it off with the witty comment at the end!
This was a short refresher, and not to gruesome! And to be honest, I love being scared every once in a while!
There were a few grammer errors - like repeated words 'the the', which I've done a thousand times - and I didn't know much about the character, like gender, etc; but besides that, I actually felt myself there with the character!
This is me telling my parents: "hey uh, I know I'm like awesome to you, but honestly mom, you don't have to lie to me and tell me I'm great. I know you mean well and all, but fo' real... I ain't special. Besides, I like instant ramen and sleeping on the floor and working a part time job. It's not that bad." See hugs me and tells me I'm wrong. "Yeah yeah, thanks ma."
I liked the format of your work - uniqueness is always nice. And the succintness of your form makes the message horrifyingly applicable to real life - i.e. life's short, then we die!
What a lonely lil' title: "No Title". Come on! It deserves a grand name and designation, like 'Nathaniel, He Is!" or something.
Hey, try re-reading this story as if you're Gabrielle (replace her name with "I") - hell, you may even BE Gabrielle in RL. Anyways, if you do it, the short sentences make for an AWESOME effect. This is what I mean - have you ever seen/heard a frantic girl in love??; or, rather, have YOU ever felt frantic (No offense - the effect is cute as hell :P)! Suddenly, you're speech speeds up and you're 'what if'ing' as if you've fallen for a handsome prince!
Again, I don't mean ANY offense at all, if that's what it seemed like. I'm a sucker for romance, and I can tell you, the last paragraph was legit! You should try your hand at a short romance story and let me know. I'll read it :D.
An insightful piece. I may have missed the point, but I believe you're trying to warn your audience, those who live in hopes of accomplishing that which they've illustrated in dreams, that they're dreams are likely never going to become physical reality because of the facade of mental reality.
When you mention an assault from the outside, I'm thinking of the plethora of lies conveyed by the media and by those around us that can ultimately lead us down a sub-standard road; that is, living in a way you, in truth, are above. Denying it will only perpetuate the process, pushing you to seek more lies.
Your mind is your reality.
Again, I don't know if that was what you meant, but I hope that, one day, you come up with an insightful way to escape it all, because I think I'm trapped too D:
I am a big fan of short works, especially if they play with your emotions; and although I prefer fiction, you've got a knack for re-creating non-fictious events and making them real to the point that I couldn't help but sympathize with them. I've never actually lost someone close to me so I can't imagine how hard it is for your grandmother and Uncle Homer, but you've reminded me to be thankful for what I have and of what I could potentially be missing.
I really liked the descriptions in this piece. For example, when the giant was chasing Jeremiah, swinging his axe and, subsequently, his beard.
I think that, with added punctuation and polishing, this piece would be awesome!
Write On!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/swordoflorn
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 3:07pm on Nov 12, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
