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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/swan01
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4 Public Reviews Given
4 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of For You, My Mom  Open in new Window.
Review by Silvia Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Angel,
Your poem is great! There's not much that needs to be fixed. One thing that caught was attention was the second last line: "For you my mom". I'm just wondering, should there be a comma between you and my? "For you, my mom,"
Other than that, it was a lovely poem. Your "voice" rings true and the emotion really gets across. Well done and keep putting pen to paper :)
From Silvia
2
2
Review of A lonely girl  Open in new Window.
Review by Silvia Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Chitti,
This could end up to be a promising story, but I think for this first part, you've rushed it a bit.
For instance, when you say: "She is born", perhaps you could describe the process with more detail? Such as, the room she was born in, the doctor, the nurses and how much pain the mother was in, how long she was in labour before she gave birth.
When you are describing the passing days, maybe you could mention the mother's happiness at having a baby, what activities she did with the baby. Maybe they took walks together, stuff like that.
And I think most importantly, you should explain why her mother died. Was it disease? Weakness? Sadness?
Of course, this is a review, totally my opinion. Don't take it to heart if you disagree with me :)
Silvia
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