Much to short. In my opinion there is so much skipped that could have been covered. Even if it was only briefly I think it would have fleshed it out a little bit more. It's quite a time jump for a story that follows the characters as close as this does.
Also it's more noticeable how many times the character makes I statements. I think I noticed it more due to no dialogue.
I love the concept of the story. It flows well and fells like you could be overhearing a part of someone's life. The first part pulls you in and makes you want to find the next part.
The speech in the story the way it reads seems ok. Right until you actually think about it. I don't think I have ever heard my name said that many times in one conversation or said another persons while talking to them. It seems forced if you try and read it out loud. It's almost as if you didn't want to tag everything he/she said and so just used their names in every single sentence of dialogue.
The rest of the writing is clear and stays in the proper tense at all times which is a bigger for me ;).
You have a great consistency going with the form of your writing. It's nice to even in a short piece to read someone who can say in the view they are writing, have good spelling and grammar.
The only thing that threw me off, even if it was fiction, is that giving chocolate to a dog can poison them.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 4:53am on Nov 24, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "