This poem is amazing. It's like I can feel how limitless what you're trying to express is. It just needs some organizational stuff done. Maybe you should put line breaks between "hugs the air freely," and 'suddenly sweeps downwards as though the bright light demanded it." it makes the poem a little awkwardly set up- even though the poem is amazing and has this great image- it just doesn't have the right line breaks. Maybe you meant to do that though, to make it original, and kind of mystical. Who knows, but it's kinda cool.
Interesting. It's cool how you started by saying how 'Men fear what they don't understand." and "My art is older than the churches of men" But I'm left without solid information. I want some details. Something to grasp. What exactly happened to you? A little bit of color to the story. A little bit of action, besides talk.
The end of this poem is crushing, 'shh, hush now' really makes me hate to be that person. It pulls the whole poem together it makes me like feel like I've been punched. It is powerful that you start with the punch of "I have lost, and you have stolen" But w hen you say "and no one suspects that my mind is broken" that's a good line too, but it could be better rhythmically I think.
Maybe "And I've lived, all just to prove" "there was no effect" and "I won't lose." Is more convincing.
Sometimes you say things like with a dead end beat, and it makes the poem kind of awkward sounding-the poem works, but this advice will help make you know how to work with it better, like for instance: "I am quietly LI ving" "Emotions have DI ed" "Emotions now IRREliVENT" It's like you are banging a drum loudly at the end. Hope this helps
This poem has good rhythm, and good cheer, but to make the package better I can see where you could fix a little bit of the package.
It's here again,
that time of year.
Blow out the candles,
now make your wish dear
My version:
It has come around again,
that time of the year.
To blow out the candles,
to now make your wish dear.
I think that sounds better, more poetic. More room for emphasis. There's more more to play with the clay of words.
I wish to face this day,
with pride and grace.
But the gravity is pulling,
all over the place!
I intend to face this day,
with pride and grace.
Yet the gravity keeps pulling
all over the place!
I put the word 'keeps' because it helped instill the rhythm of the work. Just a small change.
Just keep changing it like this throughout the piece ,good work:)
I get what you're trying to do and the flow is nice- but it's too dreamy and stuck in this own separate world, but the separate world works nice but if you kind of emphasize certain words and sentences you can bring this world to your audience.
My paragraph is first
Quit before your back breaks
and slumber before you sweat
leisure is a palm opening with dust
no first place trophies for the turtle.
Quit before you break
rest before you sweat
leisure is empty
no chance to be best
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