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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/srosemary
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3 Public Reviews Given
3 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Serena Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Ok. I really liked this piece. It was emotional, tragic. Has all the right elements, and I liked the going back and forth from the past and present.

A couple things:
In the first paragraph, most of the sentences either start with The or I, and are all about the same length. Try to vary different sentence lengths more, and start with different words once in a while: a verb maybe once or twice, and sometimes adjectives. But be careful of run on sentences and fragments.

And in this sentence: I pulled myself out of the water, my sweater stuck to me like a second skin.

There's something awkward about it. Try either saying "my sweater sticking to me like a second skin" or, "I pulled myself out of the water, clothes dripping. My sweater stuck to me like a second skin."

Overall, it's a great piece and I really like where you're going with it! I hope this helps!
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Review of Deep Secret  Open in new Window.
Review by Serena Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
The first line really drew me in, because you openeed with a great teaser - I wanted to know what the secret was. I liked it, but my overall impression is that you need a bit stronger of a close, to equal of even surpass the power of you lead, otherwise it just fizzles out towards the end. I didn't feel like there was any sense of closure, and I'm still not exactly sure what "your secret" is!

Also, in the lines:
Unaware
Of the impact
It's glory will bring

Something seems off. Try using something else instead of glory, because glory and impact have a very similar feel, and it's a bit confusing.
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