Rachel,
Damn girl, your grandfather really did a number on you. This poem is just dripping with sadness and pain. It takes a courageous individual to open up and revile the wounds they have suffered at the hands of others, especially when it is the family members that are supposed to keep you safe from the acts they are preforming. I have read all your poems and can see that you have had a tough time of it growing up.
Let me tell you, you have a fan here, I truly admire people who put themselves out there for the world to see and let the consequences fall where them may because you're bigger than that.
I look forward to working with you next month.
SD
Rachel,
I think this is a well crafted poem. I like the progression of each verse, showing that time has passed. To me, and I think the intention of the poem is a proud mother reflecting back on the memories of her child growing up and this you did quite well.
My favorite lines are:
Those first baby words?
The sweetest sounds
I ever heard
That just sounds like a proud mama.
The punctuation was okay, I for one don't really pay much attrition to it, unless it is obviously beneficial to reading the piece.
Overall, a good read, thanks for sharing and keep pounding those keys.
SD
Amber,
Me again. This one is some what confusing for me. Because if I was going 'to get somewhere', I sometimes have to take a road or cross an ocean. Maybe the ocean is stretching it a bit, but I would say school is a road one takes to get somewhere. If there was a different way, we all would have gone there.
The good part is that you are trying to associate things with other things that don't usually go together. I'm not sure of the technical term for it, but it is a good technique. Make sure you see the big picture not just what's in the next room.
Keep banging those little black keys and thanks for sharing.
SD
Amber,
First of all, welcome to WDC (Writing Dot Com) and have fun while you are here. I joined 2 months ago and have been writing more than I have in the recent past. Check out the daily, weekly, contests for inspirations. It's like everything else, the more you do it, the better it gets.
Now, your poem. It has potential, there are some good and some rough places. I like the image in this line:
Feel the galaxy on our face as we are lying on the sand wearing warm clothes.
In the third line, it looks like there should be an "it" between 'with' and 'going'?
One tip I might give; I try to keep the total syllable count of each line about the same, it gives the piece a better rhythm and more enjoyable to the reader.
Remember these are just my opinions are if you took them plus 5o cents, you could not buy a cup of coffee. That's how much they are worth, cool?
Thanks for sharing, keep writing, and have fun here at WDC.
SD
Serenity,
Soul searching indeed, in the form of a 5 line poem. It is amazing how a few words put together in the right order can speak volumes. That is what you have done here. The imagery is decent, pretty far out, but one gets the picture. The rhymes are okay and the meter is all right, I would have liked to see it flow smoother, but that is just my opinion.
The question remains unanswered though and I for one would like to know what the author found out about his/herself and how that has effected the poet.
This would be a great opening for some epic story of self discovery.
All in all, one of the finer short poems I've seen here.
Thanks for sharing and write on,
SD
I didn't realize there is such a gap between the carnivores and the herbivores, big enough to derail friendships. These guys take their eating serious. Whatever the case may be, this is a nice effort. It is an unusual topic but you have done a good job with it. Thanks for sharing and keep writing.
SD
Kotaro,
I chose your poem because the title piqued my interest. The following is my opinion of your work. Remember it is my opinion and with it and fifty cents you could not get a cup of coffee, so you can see how valuable it is.
I like the form you use and the images are very descriptive, horrific but descriptive. For me, it sounds like we are listening to either one of the Satan's minions or Mr. Scratch himself declaring the days agenda. You are correct in saying this is not a pleasant poem. But it is a good one.
Thanks for sharing and keep up the good work.
Also, I have been nominated for "Newbie in the Spotlight" for this month and would be grateful if you might check out my portfolio then go to: http://www.writing.com/main/polls/item_id/1995647-...
and vote, even if it is not for me.
Thanks,
SD
Silenced,
I am sitting here kind of stunned. Why? Because your story blew me away. Your writing hits hard and doesn't let up. I think this is really good and if the rest is like this, you definitely have the tools to be successful. If this is your story, I guess it's true about writing what you know. I really liked the last line of chapter 1. The last chapter started out a bit sketchy. I didn't understand what this line meant: "Sarah experienced more than was left unknown.", and "the blue eyed boys with their blood hair", what is 'blood hair'?
But these are minor critiques, I like your style. Excellent job, keep it up and yes, give me more.
SD
Story Mistress,
I have an inquiry regarding membership. I join WDC a little over a month ago at the Basic Level and have really enjoyed the time spent here. But, I have already put 40 items in my portfolio and I know there is more to come. So I was wondering, if I paid the difference can I upgrade to the next level? I read the article about the points thing and didn't really get it or if that applies to this situation. What do you think?
SD
Esau,
I was checking out various poetic forms and under Paradelle I came across yours. Not being real familiar with the form, I am not going to make much of a comment, except that I enjoyed reading it. My only caveat is the last two lines of the second stanza. The way it reads, one could be left with the impression that you should have death as a friend. I think it would be less confusing if it read; Do not consider death as a friend, pine for it, nor make a covenant with it. That's just my opinion, it's your work.
SD
56er,
Poetry can be so subjective at times. Half of the ones I read 2 or 3 times and have no idea of the message the poet is trying to show me. I have to include this in with that group. Now I am not all that smart, so it may not be a bad thing, I just don't get it and actually probably no one really sees it like the writer does. You are the only one who needs to know, it's your show. The rest of us are just trying to see if we can dig around in your brain and find some revelation that will save us all from complacency. Thanks for sharing.
SD
TC,
Very cute story, at first I didn't get what was going on, but about half way through I started to get it. Giving animals human characteristics is always fun because it's all speculations and wishful thinking, nobody knows what goes on behind those sad, heart string pulling, big brown eyes. Good job, thanks for sharing.
If you were serious, I would appreciate your opinion of a short story I wrote titled 'I Should Have Called A Cab." Thanks.
SD
Sleeping Forest,
I like this piece, the short choppy lines magnify the cries of anguish and abandonment the protagonist is feeling. I hope this is not autobiographical, because I would not wish this kind of pain on anyone. Very good job, thanks for sharing.
SD
Rhychus,
Decent enough piece, kind of morbid but most fairy tales are. The rhymes were good (Grays and praise, Mikey and psyche, I liked in particular). The meter was pretty good, a little forced in a couple of spots. Overall a very fine piece. A couple of questions, he was pulled out of the back seat, , what happened to the parents? And in the overall scheme of things, is this a good or bad thing for us human beings? Thanks for sharing, keep banging that keyboard.
SD
Keaton,
After reading "Right By You" a couple of times, I think this is a well done piece. I say I think, because this appears to be a very personal piece and there is much of it that, honestly, I am not smart enough to attempt at getting inside your head as to what you are thinking. It's not you, it's me. There are many poems that are too esoteric or deep for my understanding.
The first part did remind me of a quote by Confucius, "Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it."
You are an experienced poet and know what is good, so I trust your opinion and if you posted this, you must think it is worthy. Then so do I.
Thanks for sharing,
SD
Justine,
I hope you got an outstanding grade for this because it is absolutely one of the best pieces I have read in the 3 weeks that I have been here at WDC. It was a very cool the way you ended one and stated the next verse with the same word. The only hiccup for me was how many characters were involved. There was the baby boy, the girl and then another boy, or was the baby and the boy the same person. I originally thought it was three but then in the last verse you only talk of two souls, so this was a bit confusing for me. This is my opinion and if you took it and 50 cents you couldn't even buy a cup of coffee, so that shows you how much my opinions are worth.
All in all, I enjoyed it, a very good job on your part. Thanks for sharing and keep banging that keyboard.
SD
Dre,
Hmm, I get the title of the piece and kind of follow that flow, but there is a lot that probably makes perfect sense to you, that I just don't get. In the verse regarding wisdom, I think wisdom is up there with the attributes one seeks to achieve. It appears to me that you have wisdom as a less than desirable character:
"Wisdom smothered by timepieces and schedules,
by corruption and greed and selfishness,
hiding where accepted, opening to only those who care."
Am I right in this interpretation?
It just seems to me you could have made your statement with a lot less word conjuring. This is just my humble opinion and with it and 50 cents you can't even get a cup of coffee, so that shows you how much it is worth.
Keep pounding that keyboard.
Do you still have the poetry contests?
SD
fallen angel,
So, if I am interpreting this right, that was not Peter who came in through the open window, it was an angel(hence the title of the story), and the children died of exposure because the window was open. Right? Then the scene with Peter must have been some ones, probably Wendy's, dream. That still leaves the question of who was the shadow that the father saw. I get the impression it is a dark sinister figure, so maybe the angel was from the other side and not the good side. Or maybe, well, never mind, there is a lot of this story that is just left hanging with the reader having to try and determine too much for themselves. Good idea, just could have been a little more to the story so it wasn't so ambiguous. Thanks for sharing.
SD
Rhychus,
I have read a few of your poems and have to say you are a real word artist. Your rhymes are right on and the rhythm is pretty consistent. The only hiccup, and this is purely personal taste, is the length of each line. It seems to drag the flow, along with my interest. My attention span is a reflection on societies as a whole and this poem, excellent a few years ago, might need some punch by todays standards. I am aware this is a contest winner, congratulations, and like I said this is just my opinion.
Minya,
I like your poem, the imagery was spot on. One thing that was distracting was the use of language, I would guess that English is not your first language based on some the words you used or didn't. Example: If you wanted to make the 2nd verse easier to read, it might be:
In an artist's eye, you are color
that is used for his
masterpiece.
or throw out the "that is" all together:
In an artist's eye, you are color
used for his
masterpiece.
And in the first verse, you speak of angels (plural) but refer to only one wreath (singular), it should be wreaths (plural).
There are a couple of more and I do not want to sound like I am nitpicking, but I noticed this was a contest entry and it's the little things like these that determines who wins and who does not.
You have the right visions, you just need to polish your English grammar some, so keep writing.
SD
Diva,
A really nice piece. The imagery was excellent, it read like a movie scene. A little spice in the day of a life. Just a couple spots that didn't flow for me. Good job.
SD
Keaton,
I like the imagery in this soul baring rant. I may have this all wrong but Mister Foster's "inner out mare" appears to be that his world has become "a tragic beauty" because all his deeds, words, and thoughts have been scrutinized and "poked with sticks" to the point that it has left him as "pale as death" and as "weak as sin". This is a common malady many writers suffer from when they feel people do not understand their work. Overall, a good read from a talented poet.
SD
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