Why is the first stanza five lines with the middle line being only one word? Maybe I am missing something here as to what you intended. I will try to be online to respond to you ASAP for your response.
Other than that, I would have thought that something like "dark voices" or "distant chatting" would go well here. but that is just a suggestion. The poem itself fits with the music, but it's lacking a certain... connection. The first stanza seems to me to be more o a description while the rest is a mix of feeling and visual descriptions. My words appear as an observance; however, I seek to also bring to attention how the reader may or may not be seeing.
I did see and "feel" the connection to the darker side of the song, though.
-Sol
*As a judge, as this piece was submitted to The Ultimate Writing Extravaganza hosted by The Dark Side to Magic, I have also sent a separate rating to the other judges to be assessed with in the submitted category. The rating I give here does not necessarily reflect the rating I give for the contest.
I am quite confused by this story. The whole thing progresses like a war story and then -BAM- everything is all green good with rainbows, pixies and unicorns (excuse the sarcasm as I honestly do not intend to insult, but rather be humorous). Now I do understand that you were attempting to follow the prompt that asked you to pull out the out-of-world idea out of everyday situation. War is an everyday situation (almost); however, this whole story was unique. from the very beginning the reader saw that something was not "normal" about the story. The sides were not normal, that things that people were doing didn't seem normal (jumping from roof-tops avoiding explosions?). Maybe I missed something...
But as far as the story itself goes (ignoring the contest intention), it is a good development. The end is a tad bit abrupt, but that was something that was a tad bit expected by the reader anyway. How ever, the change in disposition was really quick. I'm not sure what to say I was expecting, but the have the big bad go from stubborn death lord to unicorn farmer seemed to be quite.... extreme? Everything else was good. Good detail and character personalities.
I hope that I have been an encouragement in this as I intend to support future growth in your writing!
-Sol
*As a judge, as this piece was submitted to The Ultimate Writing Extravaganza hosted by The Dark Side to Magic, I have also sent a separate rating to the other judges to be assessed with in the submitted category. The rating I give here does not necessarily reflect the rating I give for the contest.
Well done! now that's what I've been looking for in a poem recently! you declared your form and stuck to it. In addition, the poem flowed well, with the contents and wording working well, and the rhyme was well done with some nicely chosen words.
Through this, there is always room for improvement. the only suggestion I could give is that your topic was walking in the rain, but about 50% of the poem talked about chores. I understand this connection to staying in the house because of the rain, but the main topic you declared was rain, not chores.
Other than that, well done!
-Sol
*As a judge, as this piece was submitted to The Ultimate Writing Extravaganza hosted by The Dark Side to Magic, I have also sent a separate rating to the other judges to be assessed with in the submitted category. The rating I give here does not necessarily reflect the rating I give for the contest.
I loved the flow and the descriptions in here. Good line 1, line 3 and line 2, line 4 rhyme too. I do feel like there could be more though. Maybe a specific event in this room?
-Sol
As a Judge, as this piece was submitted to The Ultimate Writing Extravaganza Contest hosted by The Dark Side to Magic, I have also submitted a review and a separate rating to the other judges according to the chosen category and prompt.
I do like the rhyming scheme that take hold here. The poem itself almost seems like it's about you trying to find the right words to rhyme in each line, as you did state that this was your first attempt at an internal rhyme. I do appreciate the choice of words as well, however the emotion could be expressed (If I may humbly suggest) a bit more in the purpose of this. You gave exquisite descriptions of words in general, but perhaps there could have been more about the emotions involved in finding such words. There is no transition from dark to light or light to dark, or even emotions on the struggle of finding words for what you need the for, and these thing (in my opinion) would enhance this greatly.
-Sol
*As a judge, as this piece was submitted to the The Ultimate Writing Extravaganza Contest hosted by The Dark Side to Magic, I have also submitted a review and a separate rating to the other judges according to the chosen category and prompt.
Well then, let me start off by saying that this is an excellent story in it's own right. However, there were a few error that I might bring to your attention.
In your first paragraph, There was a punctuation error with the word Holidays. I would suggest that it be either " Holidays(') " or to even remove the "s" from the end.
I'm not sure if you forgot or if it was an HTML error, but you had many places where character thoughts were not italicized and it was a bit confusing to read.
Other than those things, this was a great story. I love the emotion and the relationship between the sisters. I especially loved the suspense at the end where Bertie thought her sister was going to mercy kill her.
-Sol
*As a judge, as this piece was submitted to the The Ultimate Writing Extravaganza Contest hosted by The Dark Side to Magic, I have also submitted a review and rating to the other judges according to the chosen category and prompt.
I love the rhyme going on in this! Good job with that. However, I do have a few suggestions and concerns. First, (if the limit in stanzas in this was on purpose, could you explain the reason?) I see that there could be many ways to expand on this, such and making a stanza for each "path" from the first.
Also for the last two lines, I would suggest, for the sake of flow, either removing "from" from the second to last line or putting a "with" and the beginning of the last line.
I was also not sure what you meant by "hope is governance."
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