Molly exemplifies true selfless love. It's the sort we don't see much anymore which you express in speaking of the "moderne world." It is love without expecting anything in return. His love is apparent too but it seems a false sense of what it took to be strong man in those times prevented him from showing it in ways we would expect today.
This poem and inspired me.
The only advice I might give would be to condense it a bit and use caps. Some further imagery, particularly of them physically would have added to the poem as well.
But overall, it is the emotion of the poem, not the details that make it. This moved me and made me think. Well done.
I love the emotion of the story and the turn of events. The story made me want to know both of them more.
If I could offer any suggestions, it would be to cut the piece into paragraphs. Those little breaks give the reader time to let the emotion and facts sink in.
You might also have written in the first person but perhaps not because of the surprise ending. Your choice.
Short and sweet. But can the "irrevocably" and "hope to move on" go together? It feels to me like they can which makes it thought provoking but anyone who hasn't felt that way may not be able to make sense of it. Maybe if you added a bit more to bridge the divide between those conflicting states of mind it would even better.
This is a thought provoking piece. I like that's it's not all black and white. It makes you think. There are a number of possibilities here. Is the mother correct? Or was Jada's intuition correct? The sister too, seemed convinced and judgmental of Jada's husband. But the mother knows there are always two sides to a story.
The dialog was good but I would have liked to have seen a bit more description of the three ladies.
Also, I wonder if the "I believe 21 is your favorite game" is a reference to the husband's blackjack playing or a hint of him wanting to be with younger women.
I'm left feeling which woman is right but I think that is a very accurate portrayal of cheating or suspected cheating situations. This was a very down-to-earth story with a lot of honesty and a lot to make one think.
This piece drew me in. I was interested in the contrast between the beautiful outer world and the disorder of the inner world, both in the house, and apparently in Ted's mind.
The descriptions and dialog worked well. It flowed.
It felt left unfinished though. I wanted to know more about the night sunrise two months ago that made Rebecca shutter and about the lead on the case that Jim mentioned. Most of all, I wanted to know if Rebecca succeeded in getting Ted to listen to her. That he smiled suggested she did but that could be expanded upon in order to make the story feel a little more complete.
Nice writing though. I'd love to see a revision of it.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/skywriter1962
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 11:32am on Nov 08, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
