Welcome to Writing.com, you joined on my birthday.
I will start by saying, excellent storyline! My father was a brutal, miserable man himself, so I can relate! We have a commonality.
Without meaning to offend you, this piece sounds like a first draft outline or an un-polished journal entry. I stress the term outline. My first thought, change the title, unless this is a chapter!
As the reader, I have faith in the fact that you could moisten this piece up and make it pull me in further. It would make a great lead into a novel.
I see a piece of self healing destined for greatness. When I asked a college professor about a similar story of mine, he said something that realy made sense to me, so I always try to pass it on to my peers. "Get rid of those little, meaningless words that aren't required to flesh out the story. All those "extra" words make the storyline dry and unexcitable. Make sure your facts are in order and relevant to the storyline..." Like this paragraph:
'
My brothers went outside, while my sister and I quietly removed the dishes and food items from the table and started helping her. She washed, I rinsed, and my sister dried the dishes while Daddy sat at the table, drank coffee, and smoked his Chesterfields. That was a usual and normal thing for him to do, whether drunk or sober.
'
Here's an sample rewrite:
My brothers went outside. My sister and I quietly helped mom clear the table. As she washed, I rinsed, and my sister dried. Daddy sat at the table, drank coffee, and smoked his Chesterfields, which wasn't out of the ordinary, whether he was drunk or sober.
'
This gives a different essance to the story, cuts down on word count, and makes it an easier read. Choose and organize your words wisely. They can make or break any good story. I would also define dad's history at the beginning of the piece. Introduce your dad to the reader before he goes psyco!
I want to see more! Is this going to be a novel? Please send me an e-mail and let me know if this helped you out at all, or if you want any further opinions from me. I believe I could give you some helpful hints. If not, let me know.
WRITE ON, my friend,
Doland Andrews(SkyWriter) |
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