Overall I liked the story...I'm interested in reading more, but there were a few minor punctuation errors, in particular, the quotation marks around some of the sentences, and in the text message. But then again, text messaging isn't about grammar usually, so maybe you wanted it that way. I'd love to see this story finished. You've got an interesting main character and the story flows well.
This is an interesting start to a good story, although it feels more like its a snippet somewhere in the middle of a longer piece. It would be very interesting to read more about Evan and Lana. I hope you continue writing about the two of them. I also appreciate the good grammar and punctuation throughout the story.
You've got a good start to an interesting story here, despite the grammar errors. It's mostly just run on sentences and not enough proper paragraph breaks, which make this story a bit difficult to read. However, those things are easily fixable and I hope my pointing it out doesn't discourage you from continuing this story and to write others.
Still, I like the story because I see a lot of myself in your character. I hope you finish this story. I'd love to read more.
This story made me smile because although I am always on time, I know several people like Hal. I especially liked the line when his boss has a heart attack and actually tells him never to be on time again. That one actually made me laugh out loud. I wish my boss would say something like that every once in a while. Cute little story with the perfect ending. :)
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