You asked for a rating, I've given you a review...
Given your, ah, previous work, this is astoundingly good.
Reading this, I feel like I'm watching a movie, as voiced by a confident, strong narrator. It's a good ride.
Putting aside the grammar mistakes, this is a great introduction to what will really hopefully be a great story. Just rename this to "prologue".
A few things I noticed:
" The Interstellar Alliance of Hope was an alliance that promotes peace on there worlds."
That should be their worlds.
"Even though they were peaceful, they had been at war with a race known as the GiKot'Fer for forty-nine years." You're contradicting yourself. At least give us a reason for being at war, they're supposed to be peaceful. Background, setting the stage.
Key elements.
he Alliance was powerless to stop them and could only watch as many worlds, peoples and civilizations were destroyed." Peoples? I think not. Take the "s" away.
"he GiKot'Fer have now focused there efforts on the Milky Way........"Their efforts. Also, you only need three dots...
Overall, this is very good! I'm sorry I couldn't write you a better review, but I really need to be getting to bed!
indeed, a very interesting assignment... I guessed the second one, for it had less details; and dreams (well, mine) tend not to have many... it also felt, well, more dreamish :P. Could you email back telling me which one is the real dream? Thanks! :)
Nice poem... but, erm, it's in the wrong place! You posted this as a poll, when it should be a static item! ;)
Oh, and if you do get around to switching it over to a static item, I'd advise you to change the subtitle... chatspeek (u!) doesn't sound very promising for a poem... :P
Anyhow, as I said, nice poem, but it isn't a poll! :)
Nicely described n' all, and I like your reasoning for the choices you made... the one thing missing out however, is the option to stay as you are. I don't want to be president, nor mobster, movie star? Maybe... doctor, nope, ad model? Noooo way... I think I'd rather stay as I am, I'm happy this way! :)
Already, this is a good idea, but there's room for more!
Nice poll idea, and very well described and presented, but I find you could think of more voting options... I don't have any for you right now, but I think us voters have a right to diversity in our votes! :P
Not a bad poll, but needs more options... I don't just think hollywood is overrated, I think it's Waaaay too overated and those celebreties should have a try at life OFF the throne!
Add some more extreme answers like the one above, to give people more options, and it'll greatly improve the poll. :)
Yet another poll with a decent idea, but wasted questions.... 500? I'm not even sure I know that many people... replace that, (as well as the other insanely high ones) with something more useful... or just take them out.
A good idea, but the choices are, well, dumb. It's pretty obvious that in three days, you'd rather live without a name then without a house, or food, or water... you wouldn't even survive three days without water, so... yeah... again, nice idea, but have the choices make sense. :)
Other people do this too!? Wow! I thought I was a freak, doing weird things just to see people's responses... they think I'm a freak too, actually, but who cares? :P
Smoothly flowing, well written and great to read! :D
All of the paragraphs are well set up and fit right together as a whole... all in all this is great!
BUT
There are some things you could improve on, spelling for one -
"I vaguely remember....
her fragrance as she past," That would be "passed", I think...
"my minds blurry, shes going to fast" That would be "she's"
"this memory, too much to bare" "bear"... I THINK. You might have it right though...
Those few spelling mistakes (and probably a few more) are just about all that's wrong with the poem, and, well, that's almost nothing! No one spells perfectly...
Very nice, this deserves the four star rating it got!
It's great to see a story with nearly impecable grammar and spelling after having read some of the tales that are more prone to mistakes... ;)
your writing style is great, the characters are believable and you used just the right ammount of description. The only complaint I have is of the story itself - to tell the truth, it's just plain boring. Really boring
Reading yet another halloween tail of creepy old men, people getting fraked out by creepy old men, and weird monsters creeping out everyone doesn't interest me at all... add flair to the story, make it original, exciting, and t'will be joy to read.
Then again, this is aimed to younger kids, is it not? Well, the story IS appropriate for such an age group, but I find you could still improve it to be friendlier to an older audience. :)
This is a... fine start to what will hopefully be a great novel!
However, I noticed a LOT of grammar mistakes, and it felt as if you were rushing the story along at a breakneck speed; much too fast.
First thing - watch your punctuation.
Commas are missing every where' first line for example:
"Pavol ambled slowly down the winding cobblestone street the moons were slung low in the sky"
This should be:
"Pavol ambled slowly down the winding cobblestone street, the moons were slung low in the sky"
Mistakes such as this are found EVERYWHERE in your text, and all could be easily corrected.
You could describe the city a little more; all we know about it from reading this is that the roads are cobbled... not enough. Not enough at akk, actually.
On the plus side, the story itself is very well written, and the action well done.
Good job, but re-work it a little to make it a nicer read!
Good job on the story, but I find you could improve in a few places:
"I couldn’t give up my dream to embrace the one emotion that had eluded me for so long but my pursuit had slowed down to a mere crawl."
You need to add a comma after long. (-:
"It was at that point that I learned love will always find a way."
I find this phrase rather weak... I think you should replace it completely, but I'm sorry to say I have no suggestions for it.
"In a sad moment that evening I was face to face with an old friend, the Dagger."
I think it should be "I came face to face with an old friend"
"I found myself again traveling down the one road I knew all too well, Heartbreak Boulevard."
I don't know why, but I find the term "hearbrake boulevard" rather ugly... 'tis fitting, but I think it could be replaced.
That's pretty much all I have to say against your story! Four little things; most of which are grammar mistakes. This was a really nice read, and I wish you good luck in writing.
This is your FIRST Thieves R' Us review! Two (or even three) more will be coming shortly!
Well sean, I'm going to start of this review with the one word probably most used in revies for this short story: lol.
This was... funny. A bit. I wasn't particularly well written, and often crossed the border of "funny", into the land of "stupid", but, the least I can say for this story is "lol".
The plot was fine and the layout was nice, but I think EVERYTHING could do with a lot more description. Instead of saying "Bob took a bite and immediately he felt amazing" you could say "Bob brought the steaming, delicious hot-dog to his lips, and savouring every second of it, took huge bite out of the heavenly food"
or something along those lines.
The thing I most loved about this were the way you said "THE BEGGINING", "THE MIDDLE", and "THE END".
(-:
Overall, good job, I hope you find this first Thieves R' Us review useful, and the second and third even more so!
Yours truly,
This an ok, beggining, but I thought a LOT of things were wrong with it:
First, your grammar is in terrible need of improvement. Read through your story, and at EVERY comma you find, ask yourself this question: Should that be a dot?
Your spelling could do with a little touch up as well, but it's not to bad.
You have an ok start to the story line, but you could of done better. Who is Zarth? What does he look like? Is he even human?
You also need to decribe the hunters with more detail. All I know is that they are hunters. That's it, zoop.
You could tell me what they look like, how they act... go into more detail.
The story line... well... After seeing this, I trust you've read lord of the rings. Sorry, but this is like a carbon-copy.
Apart from all that though, nice language, intriguing start... looks good!
I'm going to be honest with you. I don't like your writing syle at all... It's well done and all... but there's just... something about it that makes me not enjoy reading this. I really don't know why.
Apart from that, great story... I couldn't help but feeling terribly sad when the kittens and the janitor died... good job Lucinda! (-:
Ya' did ha good job on this poem, but I thought it was lacking any kind of flow whatsoever, and a few words could be changed.
Apart from that, good job, I'm especialy fond of the last two lines. (-:
Keep writing!
Magnificently written, and truly inspiring. After reading this, I really do want to see a hatchling come out of it's safe have and begin it's journey in the ocean... Great writing and remarkable grammar. I have no complaints for this story.
Good job,
Another great inspirational addition to wdc by Jerry Powell (-; Babies do have fantastic minds, don't they... The only thing I didn't like about this are the pictures. Don't ask me why, for I myself don't know the reason, but I heavily dislike pictures on this website; I believe in letting the reader imagine the story himself. (I know, those pics don't really degrade the story, but nevertheless I don't like them)
Good job,
I must admit, I was intimidated by the file size of this... I had no want to read on an on an endless page of junk. However, I have absolutely no regrets in having read this beautiful story, which I consider to be the best I've read since I joined wdc. You're a fantastic writer, Basilides, and I applaud you.
Sh@de
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/shaded
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 12:54pm on Nov 08, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
