First let me say, thank you for considering me for feedback.
When I read this I found myself picking up a bit of a Dr. Suess cadence. Which of course, works well in the children's genre. I found myself smiling as I recited it aloud to my bf. Some of the dialogue was a bit unrealistic and felt forced to fit the rhyme and cadence, but there is quite a bit of leeway on that in the children's genre depending on the age range you are shooting for. Overall it was an adorable story about being careful with other people's stuff and following directions.
Oh man Two is going crazy, and rightfully so. That's a scary thought, all those 'what could have or still coulds'. What a nice diversion, let's elope! I love it.
Even though my busy life doesnt allow me to write a new story everyday I still love this contest! I have been accumulating all these GP's and not doing anything with them. So, I decided to donate to my favorite contest. The place that helped me explore a genre I didn't know I loved to write!
I am here, responding, because I saw the post on the newsfeed. Before I say anything else, I need to ask, what do you intend to do with this letter? Are you giving it to her, using it as a story, starting a blog, or is this like a journal entry meant for venting, etc.?
Wow! What a great story! I was glued to it even though I know very little about plants. I could totally visualize the story and felt like I was there. I did notice a few times where words had been left out. I suggest reading the story out loud when proof-reading to catch those kind of mistakes. A solution I just recently tried myself and plan to implement on the rest of my contest entries on the site. I do have two other things to mention. Just a suggestion, maybe Delphinia could start feeling a little off before she gets to the will taking plant and maybe express confusion or relay she feels unsteady leaving the elderly woman to take her to her husbands pride and joy. Also, the elderly woman's dialogue as a sinister mastermind was a smidge unrealistic; one or two places. For example when you said " Let's just say that you are my puppet now." maybe a more old ladyish way of saying that. or "I feel like the world's greatest hypnotist!" doesn't fit her characters personality. All minor fixes to a great story!
The novel I have started would most likely qualify for YA Fiction. However, its the kind of novel that has hints of mystery, romance, heroism, thriller, and action within it.
Hello! I saw your post requesting tips on your story. I noticed a few small things like punctuation and grammer. However, the tip I wanted to give, is to add a hooking element that makes your reader want to know more. I want to know what her dream was. That is a hook but you want to bring a hook up further to the top of the story. The first two or three sentences should hook the reader. For example Olivia could fumble around trying to turn off her alarm. That can be amusing if written well. Then, the smell of the food can peak her senses making her suddenly want to get out of bed. Your saying the same stuff but in a way that sounds like a story you would tell your friends. I hope that helps! Good luck with rest of your story!
"Undisputed, the leader and Lord.No weapons he used, nor gun nor sword."
"A winner not sinner, the truth he fore told."
I love these lines! He can do anything! The impossible even!He didn't even need weapons to defeat Satan. Jesus is victorious always and he told us before.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/semp83
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 3:42pm on Nov 10, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
