I enjoyed this poem! I liked the structure of the piece, particularly how the final stanza's first line is shorter than the others. It provides a nice accent and closing. The last words "fight the darkness within" left me with a certain kind of introspection. Perhaps my only critique is that the first 5 stanzas seem a tad clunky to me in their first lines with the "I'll be ... that I won't ..." construction. The final "my heart will be filled with light" is strong, in part because it is more direct than the previous stanzas (so perhaps that is a benefit of the current construction). Overall, I think this is a great poem!
It's amazing how much meeting others with your interests can improve your life. I've always wanted to attend conventions of things I enjoy and one of these days my independence and mobility will allow me to. In the meantime, your writing gave me a taste of the feelings and changes that might take place after I do.
Your writing was interesting and stimulating, allowing the reader to feel what you felt. Your slip with Harry Harrison made me tense up as though I were with you at the convention facing that situation. I found no grammar or editing issues. I think your organization and selection of details is excellent. I loved the inclusion of the broader changes in your life like moving to California.
I loved your poem. I felt your pain, and thought of those times when my own heart broke. Particularly, your meter and rhyme were handled excellently and made the poem come to life. It's a pleasure to read this piece aloud. Your use of consonant sounds practically set the tone itself. The soft "s" and "p" sounds mixed with the "t" really worked well in the first stanza, and throughout the later sections. "Cold cash" stands out stark among the line creating a wonderful effect. I love the phrase "a symphony of you and me".
The second to last stanza seemed to slip in meter to me, and felt a bit abrupt. However, the final stanza worked for me as is, serving to emphasize the last two words "just fine". It's just difficult for me to read over "a bedraggled ship struggling" without stumbling a little.
Overall I think your poem is amazing. If there is any fault to find, it certainly is very minor in scope. I will keep this poem in mind the next time I'm feeling down. :)
I really enjoyed your poem. Manic-depressive disorder is certainly a very difficult one to handle, and this poem really spoke to my experiences with it. I loved the sewing metaphor and the consistency you used throughout the poem. I feel like next time I am in a situation like this, I will understand it and represent it in the metaphor you've provided! I think you've done a brilliant job, and I am at a loss for any constructive criticism what-so-ever. Thank you for this beautiful piece!
I loved this poem. It gave me that reflective, meta-cognitive feeling that reminds me of the big changes in my life. Your use of alliteration was phenomenal and very well done. The last line of the first stanza gave me chills. I appreciated the structure of the poem and the individual phrases.
It's difficult for me to find fault with anything about this poem. For one reason or another, the word "exactly" in the third stanza stands out to me. Perhaps the word "precisely" would fit better... This of course is my own very specific opinion. Also, the rhythm in the second line stands out a bit, but it does work with the later lines, so I'm not entirely sure I would recommend a change that either.
I really enjoyed this poem.
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