You have created a very startling image and conclusion with this poem--the idea is very strong and solid. You have some great ideas about how people are manipulated like puppets.
I think that perhaps you could expand on this idea by using some more subtle imagery and description. Don't get me wrong, there is a lot of great imagery in this piece, but perhaps if you could try playing around with words and figurative language? Perhaps some alliteration to describe the "thudding" sound of the puppets instead of saying "thud"? For example (this is just something thrown out there): the puppets keep falling "down into deadly ground" (sorry, that's really bad) but the "d" sound would emphasize the falling?
Sorry, was that too confusing? But anyway, just suggestions. Anyway, I love your idea here. Keep up the good work!
A very encouraging article to read. You have many great ideas here--it makes me want to do some of them. I think Proposal A is something that could be possible in reality. Proposal B seems harder to complete, but still feasible, perhaps.
Some suggestions, grammatically, first:
Instead of: However, the sad truth is that they can’t
help them to stop being homeless.
Try, perhaps: However, the sad truth is that they can’t help them to receive housing.
Instead of: 3) Inappropriate clothing - ragged or torn, or simply not in keeping with the position they applying for
Try, perhaps: Inappropriate clothing - ragged or torn, or simply unsuitable the position they are applying for.
Instead of: 3) A “Dress for Success” service which will allow them to have use of clothes and cosmetics that they can wear for interviews and, if needed, wear on the job until they receive their first paycheck.
Try, perhaps: A “Dress for Success” service which will allow them to have access to clothing and cosmetics that they can wear for interviews and, if needed, wear on the job until they receive their first paycheck.
There is one issue that I would suggest you address in this article as these suggestions are so pertinent to it: How do homeless people acquire the skills they need to compete in a world of highly educated and driven workers?
Anyway, I would love to see you expand more on this article as it is very inspiring to me.
First off, I want to congratulate you on being able to write a quality poem of this length. The poem stayed on topic through its entirety. Very well done.
You also had some lovely phrases that I really enjoyed: green fig tree, golden princess, blue-gray steed. Those were all very good adjectives to pair with the nouns.
Some things to looks out for: Just one little spelling mistake: fear-filled, as opposed to fear filled.
Also, in the end of the poem, I was slightly confused as to what exactly happened. At first, I had thought that his ghost, perhaps, had told the princess not to mourn for him, because he would be part of the land himself. However, I don't think that that is exactly what you were trying to get across because there are some phrases that say otherwise: "final mission" and "I'll return to you." So, perhaps a little more clarity at the end?
However, that being said, all in all, it was a lovely poem to read. I look forward to seeing more of your work in the future.
This is a very unique style of poetry--rather appealing to me. There is a nice rhyme and inner beat to this. You have some great images and phrases. The one I like most is "they are my children"--extremely powerful.
Some things:
I think when you write "seaping" you mean "seeping".
The exclamation marks are good for certain parts for added emphasis, but near the end they feel a little more flat to me. The two exclamation marks in the last stanza seem a little much (?)--I was thinking that perhaps you could keep one exclamation mark (for the "These thoughts they choke!") if you inverted the last two lines (?) Maybe (?) Not sure, but it's just a suggestion.
Anyway, a very strong poem. Hope to see more of your work in the future.
You captures one specific emotion quite soundly. I especially liked how the idea of failure progressed to a startling conclusion at the last stanza. Everything is grammatically sound as well.
Perhaps, you could help expand and develop this poem a little more if you could create/capture some unique images? The poem is lovely as is, but it is competing with many other poems based on the same idea.
Good job, though. Hope to see more of your work in the future.
First off, you captured a great, peaceful moment in time here. I really get the leisurely feel of this piece. I love the phrase "fee thumping along with the summer's beat"
There are some grammatical errors to look out for: Periods missing after sentences, "he thought them to sing" should be he "taught" them to sing, "Childrens'" should be "Children's" and Charlie is spelled incorrectly in the last line.
Also, perhaps the scene could be expanded on by explaining the connection of the children to Charlie Burns--to add to the emotional impact of this piece.
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