We will fight to the death our words our weapons you might consider commas to separate the items and give them more power.
wiht em With Me
nwo Now
Language:
You don't need to repeat the title is the body of the text.
can't you hear us screaming our ideas out to the old world?
Character/ Point of View:
First Person - Great place to come from in this poem. I might suggest that you use a little more imagery in the poem to solidify the rebellion and the need to fight.
Interest Level/Emotion of Reader:
I love people who swim against the tide. I think that once you go back through and add some emotion words and maybe an example or two, that it will be very moving.
I really enjoyed your poem. I can tell the heart behind the words, and I love how it ends with hope. A refreshing and great poem for a cold dreary day.
Very nicely written. You kept it interesting while not using too big or too small word in the narrative. Conversational but proper.
Character/ Point of View:
I can sense as you go throughout the story how much you loved that possum.
Interest Level/Emotion of Reader:
He must have been a very brave possum to come into your house with 6 cats! I have 3 fat little buggers myself, and I worry about getting a puppy in case he can't keep up with them!
“But last year, on Halloween, George came up here comma here and his body was never found.
Language:
“You are too superstitious, Samantha. Halloween night is no different than any other night.”
Character/ Point of View:
There was not a lot of room for character development in a piece this short, but even without description you did a great job of separating the two children.
Interest Level/Emotion of Reader:
I enjoyed reading every bit of. The ending gave me a good laugh.
Grammar: I feel inspired and it’s because of you its not it's
Language: A Valentine poem or song I have never write I have never written.
I am a little confused about the different capitalization of the different words in the words.
Character/ Point of View:
First person...sounds like you are writing so someone very special.
Interest Level/Emotion of Reader:
There is a lot of heart in this poem.
Originality:
Not a very original topic, but well done.
Character/ Point of View:
You create this beautiful character that lives inside of us all...jealousy. But this is how most people WISH that their jealousy acted. :)
Interest Level/Emotion of Reader:
Put a big smile on my face.
Originality:
I think you did a pretty unique way of capturing this emotion.
Grammar:
'The Incident' - I know that the title is The Incident, but I feel like "The" does not belong in the title since the guard is talking about an event, not a book or TV show.
Language:
Wonderful! (of course it would be in a story with nothing but character to character language.
Character/ Point of View:
I love how you use the girl to tell the story. It creature great character and give us an interesting perspective on the tale.
Interest Level/Emotion of Reader:
The idea of the contest already gets me excited to read the piece!
I love the last line about mutiny. It leaves me craving for a little more to know what happened. I think that you gave too much away in the description though. It would have been better to go into this in the dark.
Originality:
Excellent job telling an unusual story in an equaly unusual way!
Great point with some great comments. I think that if you took this piece and turned it into short stanzas and gave it more the rhythm of poetry, that it would create a much more vivid picture of what you were trying to get across. It is such a beautiful example of what it means to be in a relationship sharing time with that person that you love.
Great ideas! Really give me a lot to think about since I am in my first serious relationship. Not that I haven't had my share of relationships, but this one is intimate. And your monolouge really touches on some of the points that all people striving for intimac should consider before going between the sheets. I believe you have to have intimate souls first. And I think you are right about excepting intimacy...that is the hardest part. I know I love him, but I don't know if I except it yet. Well just some thoughts from me.
Sarah Sedaii
A heart touching poem. I have cats, and I really do think that they understand me and my pain. No matter what happens, if one tear rolls down my check, there is a kitty in my lap offering waves of comfort. I'm glad that your dog has helped you the way my cats help me.
A strange collection of thought. I can see why this is in the 'other' catagory. It seems like ti would be a good start for the beginning of a journal entry book.
Errors & Solutions: Did not find many error's (Allthough I must say the story was much to interesting to look for many errors.) The only thing that I saw was a couple contractions(didn't, I've, etc) You should not have them outside of conversation in any type of formal writing.
What I liked/disliked: I liked to idea of cats saving the family from the Easter Bunny, allthough you might have wanted to make the Easter Bunny fierce.. trying to take the cat's place as cute a nd furry being in the Smith household. lol.
What a great little stary. I think you might want to go through and add in detail. Make it more personal. Tell us what happens between Darwin and Samantha. Why is it written in a flashback?
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