I really enjoyed this scene! Cant wait to hear what happens next! I liked when Ryan smelled the nervousness on himself which is of course from Nolan and not from himself! I like how him wondering if the man could smell it really highlights the young wolves ignorance of humans! One small change I would recommend is when Azrael is asking the man for help it should be "wouldn't mind" as opposed to "if you would mind". Also a small suggestion that I think would enhance the young Serohans experience is adding in their senses ( if they still have their heightened smell etc in their Serohan form...if not then disregard :) ) is adding in things like how the man smelled ( he's a big man so maybe he smells of salty sweat sitting out in the sun?) and things like maybe the false lighting inside hurts their sensitive eyes....the smells in the store...maybe of other people who'd been there...meat for sale that isn't as nice as a fresh kill...fresh baked pies for sale...that kind of thing. Maybe writing about their reaction to all the strange things in the store (big humming boxes that let out the cold etc).
Hope those help! I love this story and can't wait to read more! Please keep me updated!
Cheers
Sarah
I'm interested to see where this story goes! I have several suggestions to clean up the look and feel of this piece...I hope you find them helpful!
In chapter one, the second sentence I would put "...LeShawn Johnson's case..." instead of just "Johnson's case" as by the time I'd read through all the clippings I had to look back to see which one was Johnson. Also last paragraph in chapter one when talking about the partner,"That first year was tough seeing as Tricia...." I would put Tricia Hammer as I was like wait we were talking about Hammer now who is this Tricia? I would take out the "seeing as" and just have, "That first year was tough as Tricia Hammer, a blue-eyed red head..."
Chapter 2
A major suggestion is cut out the quotation marks!!!!! Joint task force doesn't need them, neither do the beer names. I'm not sure why bald is in quotation marks and after the first time FeeBees doesn't need them again!
The sentence "At hearing the name..." there should be a comma after saying.
The introduction I would cut out "Chief, Hammer" and just say "Lurch and I...." in the day doesn't need quotations.
Chapter 3 third paragraph should be beverages plural.
Last paragraph adult beverages doesn't need quotations!
Chapter 4
They arrive at the House which I assume after reading about interrogation room two that it's the police station but it's very unclear. What about something like "...all three of us arrived at the police station, nicknamed the House...". Also doesn't need quotes :)
Mr. Kersey and death wish don't need quotes :)
The last sentence in brackets doesn't need brackets, especially as its being spoken. You could try "...more shooters - as if we actually know how many we have!"
Next sentence should have a comma then a period. "You know," Tricia said. "Harry and I ...". In "pan out" the period should be within the quotes.
In the final paragraph the stores and clothes don't need quotes :)
I hope these suggestions help! I think it will clean it up and make it easier to read! Can't wait to see what happens next!
Cheers!
I really enjoyed this story! I was left wondering until the end which I loved! I love the idea of the duty of the angels. I think the set up of the piece was smooth with nothing given away until it needed to be! I think you did an excellent job and I have no suggestions for improvement!
If you have a moment and feel so inclined please consider reading my (very short) piece "The Waiting Room.". I have not written in many years and it is an initial attempt to recapture the creative spark! Any input you may have is welcome and appreciated! Thank you and cheers!
You've done such an excellent job at portraying the young boy and his excitement of seeing his uncle yet the "unsure-ness" of the relationship, and the game. A couple suggestions: in paragraph 5 the last sentence "...beer in his hand, as though, it is as necessary as oxygen." I don't think there needs to be a comma after "though". And in the third from last paragraph "....and think how proud it is to be his nephew.", I think should be "...proud I am...". I hope those suggestions help!
If you have a moment and feel so inclined would you please consider reading my (very short) piece "The Waiting Room"? I am returning to writing after many years and this is an initial attempt at getting that creative spark back. I welcome any input! Thank you and cheers!
I really enjoyed this piece! Excellent character development with great descriptions. I have only a couple minor suggestions. In paragraph 7 the third sentence just doesn't work, "he knew from his father....above the ground". What about "...prior experiences at the farm that the humans lived in huts of wood..."
Also in paragraph 16 that begins with "a chirping bird...", in the second sentence i dont think the word "lavished" is quite the right word. What about "...but he relished the loud crinkling."? Hope those help! I am very interested in reading what comes next!
Also if you are able I would request a reciprocal review for my "The Waiting Room". It is a very short piece. I am trying to get back into writing after many years of not writing so any reviews are helpful! Thank you and cheers!
Very interesting! My attention was grabbed immediately and kept. I like the imaginative and original comparisons! Small typo in the second paragraph first sentence...should be "covered IN glass" (instead of IS glass). Nothing major there tho! Also as D'nelle approaches I think the sentence "She was too, waiting to be admitted" would sound better if it were "She too was waiting to be admitted.". Very intriguing tho...I definitely wanted to know what happens next!
Very interesting! I love the idea of leaving a bloody mark on everything, that only they can see! I think the beginning would flow better and make more of an impact if you made the first sentence "I still carry the sense of losing something.". Then use As if for the beginning of the second sentence. Just a suggestion! Great work tho...great job at conveying the emotion in such a short piece! Cheers!
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