This was an excellent story which grabbed my attention from beginning to end. You built up the suspense quite nicely until the end when we find out where he's really trapped. I like the in and out effect while he's trying to fight his way to consciousness. Your descriptions of his surroundings are spot on. I imagine it would feel like being at the bottom of a well.
I liked the action words you used in this piece such as:
The slow ethereal sound of running water cut the otherwise perfect silence.
Blades of pain slashed at his head. A flash of white, warmth washing over him, the acrid smell of cleanliness.
He was running at the man in the shadows. Someone come from the side, he was caught off guard. They slammed into Jack from the left; he lost his balance and fell. Before he could move they were on him, both of them. Kicking and punching.
All serve to draw the reader into the story and makes him/her want to invest reading time.
The only thing I didn't like was the length of the story. I wanted to read more. Excellent work. Thanks for sharing this.
There are a few errors in this story that I wanted to bring to your attention. This is an interesting story but I think the character needs fleshing out, more detail. It's a big jump from I don't think I fit in here to drowning oneself. they say you can drown in a bath tub, but I tend to think unless you've hit your head or something, the body would fight drowning in a place where you could stand up.If it was the ocean I could buy it because once you go too far out and can't swim it's pretty much over for you. You made an excellent effort here and with a little re-working, this story could be A plus.
Friends through. Should be threw.
She forced me to eat them like a good boy I was. like the good boy I was.
were taking over. was taking over ( the one I shut down is singular calling or was instead of were.)
Time couldn’t work the way it was suppose to with. Should be: supposed to
How could I live on knowing that I was a mistake and didn’t exist in the world.
you already said that in the previous paragraph. try to say it differently.
I enjoyed this little snippet from you story. I found it very interesting and would like to read more. I have a couple of suggestions.
Another drink darlin?" the waiter inquired while drumming her fingers on the smooth, silky tablecloth.
Waiter is usually a male. The female form is waitress. It can be a little confusing for the reader.
Use the spell checker.
drew a cigraette from my pack and let out a loud sigh as I lit it.
it is spelled cigarette. probably this was just a typo.
If this is your first paragraph of the story then it is a good one. It draws the reader in and makes him/her want to continue reading.
I am a newbie here on the site and would appreciate any feedback you might have about the item in my portofolio. Keep up the good work!
I liked your poetry. I am a newbie on the site and a short story writer, so poetry is not really my genre. However, I enjoyed yours. My only comment would be this: I would have liked to know what the lie actually was. I feel that needs more explanation. Also, the easy format made the reading of it move swiftly. Good work!
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