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42 Public Reviews Given
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1
1
Review by Problematic Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
A good second chapter, however, there were a few things that prevented it from being immersive (to me anyway). Firstly, the complete lack of dialog (summaries over conversations notwithstanding) makes the writing feel distant. Also, I personally feel you've overdone the depiction of evil throughout this chapter. After a while, it starts becoming tedious to read and cliche (a tome written by the devil, with his own blood, comes to mind). Once again, that is just my opinion, so perhaps see what other people think as well.

Also, I think the general structure and outlay of the chapter could be revamped so that the issue of pacing is addressed. As it is, it is all over too quickly and the reader doesn't really have much chance to connect with the characters and become immersed in the story. There are opportunities throughout the chapter (the ruins where he gets the tome, and also at the end of the chapter) to add some suspense and action whilst also allowing you to interweave character markers within (don't tell us someone is evil, biggotted etc, instead show us, and that can be very effectively achieved through such scenes.) This will make for a far more gripping read.

All in all, not a bad read, but could be much better with revision. And once again, this review is merely my honest opinion, and I realise. Have a good one and I hope you have a great day,

P.S. Hope you had a great xmas






Chapter 2:

Elsewhere in the city, in a shady loft, lived a man named Luciano. In his late thirties he was more then (than) successful, and yet he filled his life with darkness. He has always had an interest in the occult. Spending his days working as a lucrative VP of a leading pharmaceutical company. Making a two hundred percent profit (perhaps just say something along the lines of massive profits instead. The cost to make the drugs is incredibly cheap, its the R&D that is the main expense. Just a minor detail) on the lifesaving drugs he sells. Just like any other rich corporate executive he only sells to the highest bidder, no exceptions. Then uses the money to his own benefit. Never has he even donated a single cent.

His evil deeds carry over to the night, but instead of ripping off cancer patients, he was hell bent on unlocking the secrets of his extensive collection of ancient occult books. All his books were written on the same topic, Hell. Collecting and studying over the forbidden books for most of his adult life.

Through his studies, he learned of the ultimate book of the damned, the Al Azif. Luciano has heard of this book once before, and actually owned an original copy. The only difference between the two was his copy was the more modern Necronomicon. His book was a translation of the original, making his book useless. He was determined on getting the original, which was said to be written by Satan himself, and the ink was of his blood. (A bit cleche imho)

One day in his travels to the middle east, he was in a local market place shuffling through old books and manuscripts, when he was approached by strange looking sheik. The sheik told Luciano that he knew of his interests in the book of the damned. Luciano, stunned, told the sheik that he must have the book, at any cost. The sheik smiled, took a notepad out of his satchel, and jotted down his price and an account number. Luciano, feeling impelled to trust the sheik, like something inside him forced him, immediately took out his phone, called his accountant, and demanded that he transfer the money to the sheik(')s account. The accountant put up a good fight, doing his job and protecting Luciano's money until Luciano told him that he would make sure that, not only him but his family too, would suffer until there time was up on this planet if he didn't follow his orders. The accountant started punching away at his keyboard, and with 2 (two)clicks of his mouse he was giving Luciano the confirmation number. He fired him immediately after.

Looking at the sheik, telling him the transaction was complete. At the same time the sheik had received phone call. Speaking in a foreign tongue, apparently getting the message that he was a lot more zero's richer. He asked Luciano to follow him. (Seems strange that Luciano would trust him so wholy to transfer such an enormous amount of money when the sheik hasn't even proven that he has a copy. A man like him would surely be more skeptical to scams)

He ended up following the sheik through the dessert desert for what seemed like an eternity, until they finally reached what seemed like desolate ruins, not like any other Luciano has seen. Intrigued he asked the sheik where he had lead them. The sheik just pointed towards the ruins. Luciano looked and noticed that under the sand a couple feet out, there was a red glow. Luciano ran over and started clawing at the sand with his hands, eventually digging up his ultimate treasure. Luciano lifted the ancient tome out of the sand and opened it to discover that it was written in what appeared to be blood. (Okay, sorry, but I can't let this go without commenting. If there was some tome that could be dug up by hand, at a place as obvious as ruins, archaeologists or other treasure hunters would surely have come across it; after all, they scour every inch of such places. This is especially if the item glows. Also, I'm surprised he doesn't have any henchman with him.)

That was three years ago, three long years spent slaving over the book, trying to learn the dark wisdom held within. After three years he now has the secret to unleashing hell onto the planet, and in turn immortalizing himself as a dark deity. The ritual required him to murder 6 six innocent people, one every day for 6 six days, each death breaking one of the 6 six seals that keep the horrors of hell from running ramped on earth. He had to submerse himself in unholy prayer until the shade of the dark prince appears. Then and only then will Luciano know when to start the chain of murders.

After a week of praying to the fallen one, tonight would be the night. Tonight the devil himself would show himself to Luciano, but little does he know that he had miss read one of the most important passages. Instead of becoming a dark lord, his soul would spend the rest of eternity in the darkest corner of hell, and his body would become a shell for the fallen one to use as a martyr to end mankind and engulf the world in flames.

Lost in his hellish prayer he did not notice a shadow growing in the corner of his loft, eventually drowning the loft in darkness. Luciano opened his eyes, feeling he was no longer alone, looking around the blackness as if he were blind, only seeing a set of burning red eyes. He found himself drawn in to them thinking his years of searching and studying finally paid off, achieving his ultimate goal, not realizing he damned his soul to excruciating torture in the deepest pit of hell. Feeling a cold rush shoot up his spine, making him unable to move. The eyes then grew a shape around them, only noticeable because it was darker then the shadows that surrounded them. The shade moved within inch's (inches) of Luciano. Glaring through him, as if it was looking into his soul. With one swift motion Luciano's spirit was ripped away, sent to the black abyss, leaving his body to be possessed by the dark lord.

Taking to his new human form, just making a few changes to Luciano's appearance, with eyes still scarlet red, teeth that resembled that of a large wolf, and what was once nails were now flesh shredding claws. The undoing of humanity was at hand, an apocalypse that would enslave mankind to endless torture.
2
2
Review by Problematic Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
A good start to your story. I'm under the impression that his dream is a premonition of sorts (if not I'm going to feel cheated *Wink*)

Recommendations:

Might want to flesh out some characters a bit more. So far, the only character we really know is Dante, and even he doesn't have any real distinguishable personality thus far. Yes, you have provided some background into Dante, but so far he is character is still a little to nondescript to be believable /real in the reader's eye. Also, it would probably be a good idea to flesh out another character as well, perhaps one of the deputy's or whoever will play a continuing roll throughout the book. For horror to be truly effective, the reader has to be able to fully identify with a character.



On a cold morning, in a park on the outskirts of the city, lead detective Dante Contino was looking upon the gruesome scene of a murder. The detective told himself that it must be the work of one of the cities many crack heads, but he couldn't shake the feeling there was something else to this act of malice. [This part sticks out to me, after reading further it sounds like anything but something a crackhead to do, but rather something satanic / cultic. Given that Dante is said to be a veteran Detective, it seems strange to me] Dante was one of the veteran detectives on the force, one of the best, never letting a crime go unsolved. At the age of forty-five his physical strength was not what it once was, but he made up for it in his wisdom and me(n)tal prowess, always focusing on the little stuff that any average detective wouldn't give a second look. (Very long sentence, after mental prowess, I'd start a new sentence there).
The corpse was mangled, brutally slain and put on display for everyone to allow the fear too set in. Someone unstable enough to do this to somebody thrived on fear. Infecting you with the disease like emotion, and then he has control over you.
“But why, whats the motive? This had thought... this had hatred, shit I have never seen anything like this in the twenty years on the force.” Dante said.
Dante wasn't the only cop shaken up by the grizzly sight. One officer was hunched over, vomiting the Chinese food he had just eaten not an hour prior. Another stayed in the squad car, keeping his sight any where but the mangled body.
The corpse was tied upside down, legs bound, and arms out, in the shape of the unholy cross. The eyes where removed and X's where sliced over the empty sockets. His throat slashed, dangling upside down, draining his body of the vital blood needed to sustain life, making a crimson puddle under him.
The mans wallet was soaking in the pool of blood. Dante pulled out a pair of gloves and started going through it, trying to discover the mans identity.
“The moneys still in here so obviously money wasn't the motive.”
Pulling out the mans ID card, Dante looked in awe.
“Jack Sullivan,”
Dante knew this man, he was the owner of the old Irish bakery across town. Jack was loved by the community, donating any extra money to charity, gave away bread to the families that couldn't afford it, and even went to church faithfullyevery Sunday (perhaps?) .
Why would anyone want this man dead, he was a living saint, things are not adding up here,(.) Who hated this man enough to put him on display like this, not only ridding the city of a wonderful man, but also sending an impending message of doom. Who ever this was is going to kill again.
The park was of the small size, one side leading to the road and the opposite end lead into the woods surrounding the city. Towards the side that lead to the woods, a deputy discovered a haunting message.
“Detective Contino! Come over here quick, you're going to want to see this!”
Dante started toward the deputy, noticing him glaring down on a small patch of concrete. Dante's eyes followed suit, instantly losing himself to fear. What was written on the concrete slab, in what was apparently Jack's blood, encircled in a strange symbol, changed everything about this murder.
“The blood of the 6 shall be spilled, freeing the fallen one's wrath.”
Just stating the message chilled Dante to the bone. Dante's fears were reinforced, realizing he was standing on the unholy grounds of a satanic ritual. Dante was then struck by a foreboding feeling of hopelessness, feeling his blood go cold in his veins, but found himself sweating. The sky grew dark and ominous, casting a dark shadow on the park. Dante, being drawn to the woods, saw a figure at the edge of the treeline staring menacingly with eyes as red as blood. The rest of the creature was hidden in a shroud of shadows. As if calling to Satan himself the figure let out a demonic roar that echoed and made what felt like the world shake deafening Dante (run on sentence 'the world shake deafening Dante'.
Disorientated, Dante looked around to find he was alone, every officer, every squad car, even the birds chirping were all gone, his only company being the hanging corpse of Jack. He noticed the figure was gone, gone into the darkness of the woods, but before Dante could even take a breath of relief, he noticed Jack's body starting to move a little. In horror, thinking the poor man was still alive suffering, ran to his aid.
Dante had almost reached Jack when he started trashing about, tearing his flesh that was bound to the upside down cross, then abruptly stopping only to glare at Dante for a second with a sadistic smile. Dante felt sick, never in his life did he see anything like this. Almost paralyzed in fear, Dante collapsed. Breaking his bonds, Jack crawled on all fours, right up to Dante's face. He was still smiling, just staring at Dante.
“What the fuck do you want!” Dante shouted.
Jacks face darkened, then he roared in an inhuman tone.
“YOUR SOUL IS FORFIT! YOUR FLESH SHALL BURN! MANKIND SHALL BE PURGED AND BLOOD WILL FLOW LIKE RIVERS!”
Passing out due to absolute terror, Dante was lost in madness. Finally opening his eyes only to find himself surrounded by flames, face to face with a creature so hideous no words are worthy enough to describe this abomination. With eyes as black as the cosmos, teeth that were made and fine tuned to tear and rip flesh, and able to crush bone. Just being in its presence drives you mad, forever tormented. Dante cried out
“Please god, please spare me...”
The creature just stood there almost enjoying the empty attempts of prayer.
“This is the domain of the Fallen One! Your soul is bound to this place, to rot for a thousand eternities!”
Feeling a warm sensation on the left side of his face, Dante preceded to beg God for mercy, closing his eyes to find himself in a moment of complete harmony, as if closing the blinds on the fiendish world that was around him. The sensation on his face intensified, feeling all to familiar, but he knew nothing in that hellish place was of any familiarity. Terrified to open his eyes, trembling, and drenched in sweat, Dante peered through one eye, only to notice the warm sensation on his face was his dog Shelly licking him, sensing her masters distress and trying to wake him.
“It was just a dream... nightmare... so real it almost seemed like I was given a look into the depths of hell. But I’m fine, I'm alive!”
Shelly barked joyously at the sight of her masters relief. Dante had to convince himself it wasn't real. Getting up and heading to the bathroom he looked into the mirror noticing heavy bags under his eyes. Reaching over to turn on the shower, to wash away the hopeless feeling this nightmare was leaving him. If only he knew that the real nightmare was just about to begin.

All in all, certainly not a bad start to your story at all. Definitely don't be discouraged, there is tons of potential, and I can definitely see what you are trying to achieve. With further revisions, I'm sure this will turn into a true page turner. The main thing I would recommend looking at building upon is character, atmosphere and pacing.

Best of luck,

Hope this helps,

Feel free to reply back if I was unclear anywhere.



Sam.
3
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Review of Chapter 1 Facing  Open in new Window.
Review by Problematic Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello SimplyComplicated,

An interesting start to your novel(?) The start, I particularly liked, along with the strong use of descriptors. It certainly succeeds in leaving the reader guessing (the last line echoed my thoughts exactly *Wink*).

Plot

I'll refrain from commenting on my opinion of the plot so far as I don't believe I can offer constructive feedback without reading further chapters.

Characters

You don't have anything to worry about as far as characters go - so far you've done a great job of forging believable characters; particularly the narrator. You can practically feel the mother's resignation.

Writing

Personally, I think that so far your writing is somewhat verbose in places (I listed a couple examples below)

Grammar

(only listed some things)

His deep eyes where unafraid, emotionless for such depth as he pulled the hammer of the gun back.

Sentence is a little convoluted, which can often detract from the story. Also, the repetition of deep / depth is unnecessary. Removing unwarranted adjectives typically make a piece crisp to read. Also, I'm not sure what 'His deep eyes' means, what do deep eyes look like, I'm not sure.

If he was fearless than (then) I could be too.

With an angry flick of my wrist I removed the sweaty sheets from my legs which had gotten tangled once again.

Again, be careful not to say things in more words than is necessary. This sentence could be easily shortened to:

Angry, I untangled myself from the sweaty sheets.

"It was an experimental."



All in all, a good job so far. This story has plenty of potential.
4
4
Review of Full moon  Open in new Window.
Review by Problematic Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a WDC Frontliners Review

Hello ~Emiily~ Author Icon!

*Note4*General*Note4*

A well written lucid story. Most of my suggestions have to do with phrasing, but honestly for your age you write exceptionally well. Keep it up!

*Note6*Storyline*Note6*

A short, simple yet effective storyline. I don't have any comments as such to make here.

*Note3*Character / Setting*Note3*

Pretty well done considering the brevity of the story. My main suggestion here is to try use synonyms for concepts you are trying to emphasise (in this case, "cold" was repeated quite a lot.

*Note2*Spelling / Grammar*Note2*

The deathly cold water was like glass under my feet and the cold air was biting my red nose.
Avoid repetition; it's fine if there is a gap between the repetition of words but that if it is too close it makes a writer's pose bland (comparatively anyway).

My hair rustled slightly though there was no wind, I could feel a figure behind me but when I looked there was nobody there.
Run-on sentence - A run-on sentence is a sentence which includes more than one complete idea: it is actually a series of sentences run together that are joined by commas instead of full stops. The problem with them is that they tend to read awkwardly. To remedy this you can use a semi-colon (;) which you use to separate closely related independent clauses. Alternatively you could use a period.
e.g.
My hair rustled slightly, although there was no wind. I could feel (probably better to just say 'felt' instead) a figure behind me, but when I looked there was nobody there.

As for the semi-colon, it would really fit properly in this situation.

Goosebumps made their way up my arms and over my shoulders making the hair on the back of my neck stand on end.
Unnecessary repetition.

It was getting to be dark but still I waited and watched.
Reads a little awkwardly; opt for clean pose 'It was getting dark, but still I waited.' It conveys the same meaning to the reader, but readers better (and thus also helps augment the flow of the story).

I looked up; the moon was above me directly now
directly above me now

*Note1*Rating*Note1*

*Star**Star**Star**Star*


Overall, well done, keep up the good work!

Keep writing!
                   This is a WDC Frontliner's Review

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5
5
Review by Problematic Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a WDC Frontliners Review

Hello Grace Author Icon

*Note4*General*Note4*

An interesting development to your novel, I'm curious to see what happens between Crystal and the Joseph; as well as the cause of the peculiar dream and what is going to happen at the ball - as it seems unlikely that it is going to happen as planned. You have done a good job at creating multiple complications and plot lures, providing the reader with small clues periodically to keep them reading =)

*Note6*Storyline*Note6*

As I mentioned above, you have done a good job in regards to plot so far. Whilst this chapter was a little slow (excluding the start), it appears it is building up towards something so I have no issues or suggestions in regard to plot yet.

*Note3*Character / Setting*Note3*

You have vivid and consistent characters and plentiful descriptions in this chapter as well, good work. You have done a great job at making each character unique and yet entirely believable.


*Note2*Spelling / Grammar*Note2*

Extending her hand, slowly she grasped the golden, emerald incrusted knob
encrusted

Crystal, who had been thinking of the benefits of Charles cancling their egagement, looked up at this.
canceling and engagement.

June shook her head. “Mother said no one can visit, not even

your sentence drops off suddenly? accidentally delete the last section of the sentence?


Keep writing!
                   This is a WDC Frontliner's Review

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6
6
Review by Problematic Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a WDC Frontliners Review

Hello Grace Author Icon!

*Note4*General*Note4*

An intriguing, original and elegantly written story thus far, great work. I have few suggestions, so great work =)

*Note6*Storyline*Note6*

So far it is hard to say anything constructive, as it is just the first chapter. However, you have done a good job of baiting the reader on with questions, like with that man who helped her who didn't seem surprised; amongst other things.

*Note3*Character / Setting*Note3*

The descriptors are rich and lavish; moreover, you're characters appear incredibly realistic and believable to the timeline. Overall you have done very well in this regard, I have no suggestions.


*Note2*Spelling / Grammar*Note2*

You have some common and titles nouns which begin with a capital letter - they should begin with a lower case letter. The only time you capitalise a title is if it is followed up by their name. e.g. President Nixon, Father Daughtry.

He grinned at Crystal with a devilish look in his eye, she felt distrust crawl up his spin.
her spine?


Keep writing!
                   This is a WDC Frontliner's Review

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7
7
Review of Lost Ring of Keys  Open in new Window.
Review by Problematic Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a WDC Frontliners Review

Hello Beck Firing back up! Author Icon!

*Note4*General*Note4*

Great story, gave me a laugh *Bigsmile* Stole his Corvette ahah. Best of luck for the contest!

*Note6*Storyline*Note6*

Short and sweet.

*Note3*Character / Setting*Note3*

Nice character descriptions given the short word count.

*Note5*Suggestions and other comments*Note5*

I have no suggestions or comments.

*Note2*Spelling / Grammar*Note2*

I didn't see any grammatical or spelling errors, nice!

*Note1*Rating*Note1*

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Keep writing!


                   This is a WDC Frontliner's Review
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8
8
Review of No More  Open in new Window.
Review by Problematic Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A good story, with a sensitive storyline. For the most part it is well written, however, a couple of things. Be careful not to switch POV, you work in a first person tense, and then break into an omniscient 3rd person style for a moment

She faltered as she remembered how she was treated by that evil woman for so many years

I am presuming that the narrator doesn't know this person, so you have to avoid phrasing things with such certainty. Instead, maybe the narrator is hypothesing why she faltered.

e.g. She faltered, perhaps remembering...

Also, I personally I think you've created a hard job for yourself here, trying to create a believable story in so few words, but you have done quite a good job, nice effort!

Some minor grammatical / spelling errors:

when I saw her talking to my eight grade English teacher
- eighth

I had never seen anyone with that bad of scars ever
- I had never seen anyone with such bad scars. Never.


Happy writing!
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