Trees are a renewable resource. They are alive, but so is a bacterial culture growing pleasantly in a petri dish. They have no central nervous system. No pain, no consciousness. I don't know about you, but I like using toilet paper.
Your piece was clear, easy, and pleasant to read well through the first half. Very convincing tone, which is often difficult to achieve.
Your style was indeed very similar to A Modest Proposal, perhaps even too similar. It was a little bit long winded, and I began to tune out in the middle of the 4th paragraph.
If satire isn't especially funny, it should at least poke some fun at an established institution. However, I don't know of anyone who wouldn't consider a seventy meter wall around the rain forest absurd.
I'd like you to read and review my attempt at satire (ID 1245396) submitted just minutes before yours and, ironically, takes the almost exact opposite view on the same topic.
Your friend is very talented! I think his interpretation suits the song well. Your melody is good too, as well is the general meter of the song.
Sorry to be so blunt but your lyrics seem naive in my opinion. It has the tone of someone who has never known suffering, singing dejectedly why the world has to ruin such a fine good day in the garden with their silly war.
"Emotions stir, but I will not ask for pardon" also adds an element of self-pity that you should really avoid.
Other points:
I realize confusion is an element of the song, but try to cut down on the questions, and fill the song with more of your own views. Politics is unavoidable in a song like this.
"Why aren’t they making love? Why do they make war?"
The first part sounds a little too Freudian. I'd change the whole line, as "make love not war" a cliche most are tired of by now.
"Their pride in their country it can survive still."
A factual error but important: Iraqis are not fighting for their country necessarily but, rather, for their religion.
"Who will reach out and make a once foe a friend?"
This is a good line, but "once" sounds awkward.
"Oh I wish I could take the whole world by the hand,
I’d bring them to my garden, try to make them understand"
I laughed when I read this: The image of a bunch of Iraqi insurgents standing, blinking in a garden as an American lady scolds them. All the same, it is good. Just be careful not to sound too naive.
Other comments:
Add more garden symbolism
Sorry if I sound harsh. It definitely has potential, especially with the melody you have. Keep at it and I'll review again!
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