Haha - a little upset are we? I enjoyed how emotional this piece was, despite it being such an angry letter.
"At last, face-to-face with the exact facts of where your special combination of egotistical, know-it-all arrogance, and gung-ho stupidity, has finally delivered you --- fully realizing now, that no amount of day-long standing at the vertical desk of half-baked plans, has ever given, or ever will give you the slightest advantage in anything." - Ack! This is all one sentence? It really needs to be broken up into at least two complete sentences, which are there - just not defined in and of themselves. (Same goes for the second/last sentence of the paragraph.)
" and you sir are a world class qualifier in each of these categories! " - and you, sir, are a world class...
"So, as you march forward, sinking steadily into the deepening muck, I savor the immanent process, about to digest your infallible incompetence, revealing you to the World as perhaps the ultimate example of the Peter Principle exercised on a global scale." - Same here. This is just too long and too complex for a single sentence. Do not be afraid to break it up a little.
"I do also pray that the weight of responsibility for wasting 100’s of billions of dollars, and bringing 100’s of thousands of lives to horrible and premature ends, now bears heavily down upon you, accelerating you along your path to the very bottom of the swamp of sad souls." - As well as this sentence sounds all together, it really needs/should be broken up a bit. It just keeps going on and on.
Such a lovable and touching piece! :) It flows well for the most part, the rhymes working well. Rhyme is hard to accomplish, surprisingly - as it is easy for it to come across as a forced rhyme. It is something we all, as writers, have to watch out for.
There were a couple of places where I felt things were a little off with either word choices or composition.
Touching you all
the search has begun,
reaching to hug
each and every one.
This stanza just felt off to me. It didn't flow as well as the first few stanzas. More like, hopped along so to speak.
It isn’t your touch,
or your embrace.
Though I love them,
it’s really your face
The second and third lines here are the ones which seemed shifty. The second line seems to be missing a syllable, while the third line just work in my eyes. It almost needs to be reworded slightly.
Great piece overall though. Just a couple things I noticed! Well done!
I like where this piece is going, yet it doesn't get there easily. It constantly feels "stop and go". Extending some sentences too far, and cutting others too short.
"Next the man of christmas shall come and bring holy and joy to the world." Christmas needs to be capitalized, and I believe "holy" should be "holly" in this case ^.~. Also, try a comma right after "next"? Perhaps that will help with the flow a bit better.
Overall, I would check word choices and punctuation. Try to find a way to add descriptive little details without adding a lot length. Perhaps try to experiment with style variations. :)
I loved this! The emotion and presentation was nearly flawless! I applaud!
My only "itch" is the lack of punctuation, but it isn't necessarily required. It just seemed more evident in this piece than with some others. Generally helps with the flow of pieces.
Beautiful imagery in this piece. Well done with word choices and presentation!
A couple things, punctuation could have been used to help exaggerate points and insert pauses where there felt the need because of the emotion of the piece.
"I'm floating in a sea of emotion
One I've created with my own tears
I want to cry out, but hold it back
Concealing the inner voice no one hears."
This stanza felt a little off with rhythm from the rest of the piece, more specifically lines 2&4 seemed a word or so too long? Just my perceptions! Great piece overall ^.^
I loved this piece! The presentation and word choices were well delivered! Just a couple things I noticed...
Well I know why and yet I don't.
Is it possible that I cared for someone so much,
How dare they sneak past my defenses and then hurt me this way? Are you sure this is a question and not a statement? It reads like a statement even though it begins with "How".
But did they really sneak past?
I'm not so easily fooled.
Because I listened to others tell me that it' ok to trust.
Great concept, just a few mechanical aspects I noticed which were out of place. Great job!
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