Loved your short piece. I have very few remarks about refinement. I only saw a couple of tweaks that might improve the readability. I still give it high marks, though. Here is what I saw:
1. "that were"
desperate people that were hoping to make a connection
desperate people hoping to make a connection
2. Possible omission
"She could feel her life slipping away, but at the same time felt more intense pleasure"
"She could feel her life slipping away, yet felt more intense pleasure"
Other than those suggestions, I really enjoyed what you wrote.
I really enjoyed your piece about the importance of "School". The only remark that I have is a small one. If you look the beginning of your second sentence, you opened with "Also. when it comes to the use of adverbs like "also" I subscribe to the thought put forth by Mirriam Webster: https://www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/word... I just felt that if you had omitted the word, your sentence would have felt stronger and more substantial.
I want to reiterate though, that I REALLY enjoyed your piece.
Hmmm...you want a hug? I was looking for something more substantive than a quest for strokes. I really wanted to see your writing prowess, rather than kudos for a website. I look forward to seeing your work - the real meat of why we are all here. Keep writing!
A very emotional poem that I enjoyed. As a 20-year veteran of the U.S. Navy, I saw a lot and did a lot. I saw people suffer and I saw people who were glad to have what they had. Personally, I feel that Heinlein had it right by creating a world where if you wanted the right to vote, you served as a military professional or as a volunteer professional. Either way, you served to improve your world by serving your country. A very controversial poem that is in step with our times.
"Give me your tired,
Your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The effervescence of your teeming shores,
Send these,
The homeless tempest,
Tossed to me,
I lift my lamp,
Beside your gleaming door."
Wow, very conflicted message about secrets. Perhaps that is the human condition that sets us apart from the lesser animals of this world? Or is there truly separation? When do you know if your dog or cat is truly happy? Is it possible that they are leaving us clueless? Perhaps our pets are just as conflicted as us.
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