You have a gift for strong imagery, and have written a good story concerning a plot that would otherwise be very dull without it. However, your story would be easier to read if it was properly arranged and indented in paragraph format.
You did a nice amount of world-building for a story of 300 words. Definitely one of the best stories I've read for this contest. The utilitarian approach to language you used works well to disseminate the maximum amount of story in minimum words.
If you don't mind explaining, what is surreal-time? For the purpose of the story I don't think you need to explain, I assumed it fulfilled a similar function to hyperspace or subspace, I'm just personally interested in what you meant by that concept. (It also brings to mind the Persistence of Memory.)
I liked the ending; I have two stories that end with the universe being destroyed.
The first sentence really hooked me in. It was like starting with a question. "What slammed?" That really had me wondering. The middle really shows the characters personalities, even though we don't even know their names, they feel so real. I feel just like that "I", character sometimes, just opening doors willy-nilly.
Then the climax! "Bullets zipped through me!" It doesn't get more exciting than that! I could practically feel the bullets penetrate my flesh, just from that concise sentence. And the end really left me in tears. I really thought you'd pull a twist, and reveal that the "He" was actually a combat medic and saves "I"'s life, or reveal that the bullets are actually forks and "I"'s flesh is actually the flesh of an eggplant, but no, you had to take me through the harrowing experience of having the first-person narrator killed. I'm still wiping tears from my cheeks. Thank you for enriching my life, and keep on writing.
Yo what you be writing about humans for dont you know it was hobbits who invented golf not Archie Andrews and his friends playing flog so that the girls Betty Veronica and all the other girls would invent golf to get back at them the hobbit chopped someones head off and threw it into a hole
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rdnzl
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.12 seconds at 1:03pm on Dec 27, 2024 via server WEBX2.