I'm probably not your intended audience for a piece like this and that will have an effect on my comments so I want to apologise for that in advance.
I felt this piece did flow well, I swayed between three thoughts while reading the descriptions firstly, gosh what effort you have gone to for your description,
'her wings contorted and ravaged by the violent combination of claw and crash'
then i felt that there should of been more description,
' As they headed towards my nest and my family'
and then i found myself wondering if you should read more poetry or even write this as a poem before you started wrting the piece.
The lack of nature or should i say description of the environment still stumps me now. The piece is about death and an unnatural bird so it would make a lot of sense that there are no refernces to the ancient lagoon or beautiful forest etc but i think if you did make a draft that included (better than mine) descriptions of the nature, the appearance of the wife more, the earthly, blooming, natural things this bird is destroying it will help add a tone of tragedy and loss to the piece and make the rest of the description even more effective.
And I do think that the description of the other bird is effective.
Just being picky I didn't think the two birds with one stone thing was suitable here as it made me laugh a bit when I should of been still upset. I felt it was a good idea from the brief you were given and it has left me wondering where this other bird has come from, and if it eats normal birds or is just aggressive etc so its got me thinking.
I hope there has been some useful comments there for you and I hope you won the competition.
Rach
xxx
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