Interesting story. Pulling a story off like this primarily driven by dialogue takes skill. The only thing I would suggest is more attribution with the dialogue since there are so many characters and it's harder to enjoy or follow the story without know who the speaker is. Also there is no real description to as to who or what the characters are. Other than that, though I enjoyed reading!
Great story! You captured so much in that one scene and really conveyed to the audience what the character was feeling. Also, you bring the reader into the mind and heart of the character and I feel like by not naming her, you allow the reader to actually make themselves the main character and experience it at an even deeper level.
This was a very touching story. Very well written and I enjoyed the characterization and it flowed so well. You really know how to draw in your audience. I have no suggestions for improvement, but I just hope you continue to Write On! Stories like this are what I grew up on and inspired me to want to be a writer.
This was a good story overall, but the spelling, punctuation, grammar and change of voice was very distracting. This sentence for example: She was able to look up at the creature that has her in its grasp. I like that you were consistent in referring to the monster as an "it" rather than changing to "he" or "she", but you frequently changed from past tense to present tense. Also many spelling errors such as "flow" used in place of "flew". For punctuation, there were a few missing commas and random apostrophes. The word usage could also be changed a bit to make the story flow a little better. For example, you could refer to "the creature" as a beast, monster, abomination, demon, etc. Another suggestion would be to use italics for thoughts followed by a comma and an attribution rather than using the quotation marks around your thoughts to avoid your readers confusing it with dialogue. I didn't want to carry on and point out every individual mistake, but I think you can catch it and revise it well enough with a good read over. But again, there is nothing wrong with the story itself. The imagery, tone, and plot overall are good.
This was an awesome story. I really enjoyed the tone, your use of description, and characterization. I could definitely visualize the actions and feel the sensations described, which is kind of scary when you're looking into the mind of a serial killer. The only bit that confused me was where you said "He was concentrating so hard on catching up with his quarry that he almost didn’t notice the pretty young blonde girl that had just stepped off of the straßenbahn." Wasn't she the quarry he was pursuing in the first place if he spent so much time watching and preparing to kill her? I wasn't sure if I was fully grasping your meaning. Also, I liked how you alluded to future not only by mentioning space travel and colonizing Mars, but also the Ipad 8, and I guess the reference to "Friends" just shows how old the grandmother must be or there was a reboot of the series... Ha! I'm hoping that this is only the first chapter to a larger story and I'd like to get into the minds of the other characters along the way because you have a fantastic setup with a great antagonist already.
This was an awesome story! The use of language really gave it an authentic feel of an old samurai legend and it was well paced and well written. Aside from the formatting, with some much needed breaks in the paragraphs, spacing of the sentences, punctuation, and the occassional flip from third person point of view to first person, it was a really good read. I was also confused a few times with the dialogue because there seemed to be a lack of attribution for some of the speech and some of the actions as well. Still enjoyable though! Keep it up!
This was a very inspirational piece. Some of your speech I had to read over three times to grasp the meaning or at least interpret it for myself but I was really feeling the final stanza, as it relates to us being not just writers and characters in the story that God has already written for us, but also as the bearers of the Word. Thanks for this!
This was a very well-written and intriguing story. The action was fast-paced, your scenes were described very well and your dialogue was snappy and consistent throughout. Your fantasy writing is excellent! I would say you're probably on par with Christopher Paolini (Eragon).
My only suggestions:
I noticed you wrote "mists" but I personally thought "mist" works well enough. That's just a personal thing though. And your punctuation after your dialogue and attributions were usually separated, but I believe you were consistent with that throughout so I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that either.
In paragraph one, I just thought it might read better with: "...forced to sign a treaty, (comma) the war was inevitable."
In paragraph eight: "the mist threw itself"
In paragraph ten: "That may be true, (comma) though I doubt it."
In the second-to-last paragraph: “It is Esidius.(period) Obdurah sent for me.”
This is a great piece. I think it makes for a great analogy for how all living things carry on through life and constantly face adversity and often we are swayed by forces that our beyond our control just like a ship out to sea. The final stanza "And be with kindred spirits, For now and evermore" really stood out because that is the truth about our judgment after death, we will spend eternity with those who walked similar paths in their faith. Your use of words to convey that underlying meaning is awesome. Kudos! I'm loving it.
This information was very useful and enlightening. I think that the majority of the info can be used to the benefits of writers of any genre. I especially like the bits that are specifically focused on the condition of the writer's market. I think that many new writers, like myself, could easily fall prey to scams while trying to break into the professional writing world and it is also important to know what is trendy.
This was an intriguing story. It reminds me of a classic bedtime story, or more of a campfire story I should say, but it is definitely well-told and I think it takes some strong talent to tell a great short story that leaves the reader with the positive impressions I got from beginning to end. I think your voice in storytelling is similar to my own, at leas with this particular piece.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/quiksilver3
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 7:31am on Nov 24, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
