lovely. Reminiscent of a famous Australian poet, Steven Herrick, who writes entire books out of simple prose poems-- its won him many awards! I really didn't find a lot to criticize here.
My only question would be-- do you capitalise the first letter of the first word of each line on purpose, as a statement of or adherence to a particular style, or because you feel like you have to? I may reconsider it in some of the lines; it makes the thoughts more disjunctured, flowing less easily into one another. But that may have been your intention. The poem works well either way.
This manages to accomplish what you intended it to, in my opinion. But the problem with very short stories is they tend to make me really picky :P hehehe
Here are a few of my simple suggestions.
1) you might want to consider rewording: "There were but a handful of clouds in the sky and were it not for a few birds chirping in the background, one may well have been able to hear the sound of the catfish as it glided through the water beneath the boat."
I myself commonly commit the 'long sentence' crime, but i think the repetition of 'were' makes it a little bit awkward.
newfound- one word.
"It never ceased to amaze him that these were the days he treasured most and yet these were the same days that he wished were no longer necessary."
I think this would also sound better condensed. After all- its the last thing we're left with!
Other than that, I enjoyed this. I think this really picks up pace in a short amount of time.
"Never at home in the city of over eight million, James was constantly consumed by the strange loneliness that one can only feel in the midst of so many strangers." Awesome line. It really stuck out.
This piece has a divinely human quality to it, Lady D. The narration and description feel natural, the events believable and vivid. I can see why someone would write a story about the vagrant, he appears to be a fascinating character. Utterly deluded, or enlightened? I like how rather than attempting to make this judgement yourself, you leave it open to the reader.
"As I watched him make his way up the street, he was smiling and happy and singing praises to God." What a line.
Great work!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/puppysgirl
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 8:15am on Nov 24, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
