I'm getting mixed feelings about this. It's got good points, most certainly; but on the other there are some sections which I consider a wee bit flawed, and I'd like to suggest some changes.
First stanza, "Just for one day" Only one day? The rest of the poem seems to suggest a complete return. Also, I feel it's a bit unimaginative to have the same words rhyming with each other in one stanza, "days" and "day".
The second stanza is very well written; however, there's not any need for the "s" on "seperate". I like the contrast between the distance between miles but the intensity of thoughts, by the way.
The third stanza is just fine.
Fourth stanza, "Where should I stay?" Contrasts with "Just for one day." It's all a bit iffy in the way that you seemingly can't decide whether to flee back home for good or just to see "the holy ground once more".
Fifth stanza, "I wonder... / If they miss me..." It's not really effective because you're in regular phone contact, so it seems obvious that you're a close family. I like it when the last words of a poem are used to conclude it however, and I really like it when they're effectively used as the title. "While I'm away..." certainly manages this.
In conclusion, while this item could have the potential to be a five star piece, with change, this revision didn't particularly spark anything in me, and in my honest opinion I feel that it needs some work.
I like it, however, I feel that the section "On the bus ride home... talk of the school" is rather incoherent and pretentious and could do with some reworking.
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