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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/popkandy
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3 Public Reviews Given
5 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of I weep at night  Open in new Window.
Review by p*pc*rn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
It has a little too much cliche in it, making it a little...cheesy. All the words that rhyme with "you"
such as "untrue" has been overdone. Also, the theme of loss when waking but love in dreams is also quite overdone. I like the end of each phrase, though. It seems as if there's a pause in the breath and you're reluctant to say it. Really good emotion.
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Review by p*pc*rn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
This story has a cool fantasy plot, and is moving! Just a few suggestions...

1. Most importantly, don't go at such a fast pace. A lot of the times I didn't understand what was going on. Slow down! You are using the sense of touch of a human being to indicate the pain, I know, but use the other four senses, too. What does it smell like? Looks like...Sounds like....Tastes (though you don't have to use taste as often).
2. I know this Amni is puzzled, but don't give the reader so many question marks, especially if you're going to continue with this (I don't know if it ends here or not...if it does, it's a great ending, if it doesn't, I can't wait to read the rest). The reader must be introduced to the character BEFORE he starts asking questions, so it doesn't add to the confusion.
3. Don't use too similar names. The names are cool, but there are three types of creatures which start with an 'A' and two different places which start with an 'E'. It's confusing.
4. For the line that goes like this, "It was March 7th, 1854, a changing day in amni history. And I say this in a bad way. It was the day that I, and all other amnis and amni-halves feared. The day that the dogs attacked!" You don't have to include that you, "say this in a bad way". The reader will find that out eventually. You might want to add "for hundreds of years" after the word 'feared'. And you might want to add an adjective before 'dogs'.

I'm sorry if I sound like an English teacher! I'm sorry if I've taken over your story...remember, their just suggestions. I hope this helped you, and I'll be waiting to read your other works!
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Review of Hell's Own Gain  Open in new Window.
Review by p*pc*rn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This poem is great. Deadly and desolate yet beautiful at the same time, the imagery is quite good. It reminds me of a type of lost happiness called depression (if you took offense to that, i'll gladly take the comment back), and the poem ends out with a taste of humankind's own medicine. You might want to slow down the pace a little, because some parts I didn't understand before you jumped to the next line. And the beginning line doesn't captivate the reader as much as the other lines do ('dark' is too repetitive). But other than that, good job. Hope the contest works out for you.
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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/popkandy