Hi! HuntersMoon,
I was gripped by the theme of the poem even before I started reading it.
Thinking about one's father who is away on a war field is pretty touching especially knowing he might not be home (might not?) will not be home for Christmas.
A foot tall artificial Christmas tree - the very first line of the poem says it all. This Christmas is going to be or feel like a rehearsal for the poet persona and not the real thing because the feeling is not complete. The next line completes the image: A decorated memory.
The poetry took me away through the battlefields of Afghanistan and the rest of the troubled spots in the world. I tried to imagine somebody (someone's father) caught in a crossfire during the 25th of December when he ought to be home with his family and I couldn't stop the eruption of emotion. I didn't cry (I would not lie) but I almost did cause tears rose to my eyes.
This is a really lovely poem and it does justice to the theme.
Keep your pen bleeding!
Poesy
By the way, I wonder if you might be interested. I write poetry for the season every Christmas on my blog http://writeveriday.blogspot.com/ Would you be kind enough to write a poem so I can post it there or maybe, you might let me use this one?
Thanks!
Hello, SoCalScribe,
I know I'm stating the obvious, but you did fantastic job here. A really wonderful piece of writing that brings back the story of Beauty and the Beast in a glaring clarity. The comedic undertones grabbed me with unequivocal force and emphasis.
The picture is vivid and striking. I could see the lawyers gathered round their tables like applicants at a job interview and the Beast himself a terrifying and exasperated behemoth glaring down at these legal gentlemen. It's difficult to envision an individual exhibiting both complex and opposite emotions at the same time. But somehow, you have achieved this effectively and without any sign of the scene being mechanical.
The story has only one scene but the dialogue evokes images (besides the fact that we have read or heard or watched Beauty and the Beast several times) that fills up the missing parts. You impressed me like hell and I admit this is a simple story that carries a greater weight than it ordinarily should. And it's partly because I wasn't expecting the twists.
Hello, Maria!
A dream within a dream. What a beautiful and yet simple way to tell a story. A story about the power of nature to protect those who go out of their way to preserve it.
The beginning of your story was a total kill. I fell for the piece from the very first line. There are just two characters exchanging words but the realistic dialogue tells the rest of the unspoken tale.
The tension is still something to be reckoned with. The suspense is like a visible thing; I could almost hear the footfalls of the lady's assailants and the grunts of the trees as these trampled on the roots jutting out of the ground.
This review in the spirit of WDC's 11th Anniversary. Everything you read from this point, even tho' crafted of the deepest sincerity, is entirely MY opinion.
I thought DJs were into music and partying, not flying out into space to cook up comedy-in-Neptune?
Brent Ladlow is a handful. In his own peculiar way, he deserves the 'Unforgettable Character' title.
The comedic twist thrown into the details of the plot is somewhat enterprising! I got hauled into the story right from the first line. Tho I kept expecting some intergalactic drama of sorts, it never occured. But it never diminished from the fun derived in the read.
A beautiful story packed with humorous twists!
Keep your pen bleeding!
Poesy
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This review in the spirit of WDC 11th Anniversary. Everything you read from this point, even tho' they are crafted of the deepest sincerity, is entirely MY opinion.
A really nice poem to dedicate to a father. Your dad should be proud. Full of embroidered detail and a conscious, deliberate attention to the simple virtues which immortalize the memory of a mortal.
The verse spotlights important moments through out the lifetime and relationship cultivated between you and your dad.
One other thing deserving mention about this piece is that it reads like an informal biography of a life which has peaked!
I lost my dad at a tender age so I guess I could say I know that feeling. He taught me God and to stick to my talent. I love the theme of your poem and it's a privilege to review it.
Keep your pen bleeding!
Poesy
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This review on behalf of SAJ. I might add everything you read from this point, even tho' they are crafted of the deepest sincerity, is entirely MY opinion.
Till death do us part This verse opens with a promise lovers make to each other and acts as a ledge for the events which follow. Every other line which follow is detail.
You and I, comes up twice. The repetition works well for the poem and infuses the depth of the betrayal in the unfolding pattern. Three is a crowd, the phrase cries out. It fattens the central theme of the verse.
Daggers- Striking metaphor. Comparing cheating to daggers creates indelible mental pictures, firmly etched in the memory like carvings on stone.
The prodding of the soul is a deliberate intent to hurt, not once and not twice, the beloved. Prodding has a ring of continuity. The wound of the soul is kept fresh and bleeding. The imagery is perfect.
It was death do us part - The first line of the poem recurs in this sentence though slightly paraphrased. The was in this repeat appearance gives it a feel of 'lose'. The bond is broken, the affair is viewed in 'past tense' and is irrevocably beyond redress. The demise of the vow strikes home with finality. And the only alternative is learning to live with the with the pain or wait until it dies out and is no more.
A really touching and well-thought out unlove poem. Beautiful craftsmanship.
Keep your pen bleeding!
Poesy
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This review on behalf of SAJ. I might add everything you read from this point, even tho' they are crafted of the deepest sincerity, is entirely MY opinion.
This poem is beyond all doubt, satiric.
It's a woodcut print of a sardonist's view on partying.
The voice might belong to a recluse - like most writers are, or are supposed to be. 'Crowds' and 'noise' are not his/her thing.
A different and concrete idea is formed in the reader's mind. It's the point of view of an aged individual; one who has witnessed tons of anniversaries - theirs and friends', who just want to be left alone to continue the last pages of their existence in one sweet quiet life. This best expressed in the line, I'm just too old.
I love the brevity of this verse. It leaves poignant and lasting impressions on its reader like stolen kisses in the dark. It is short and to the point. It hits the target like a controlled missile and ends all arguments.
It's like a final word on a recurrent issue.
Truly a camouflaged masterpiece.
Keep your pen bleeding!
Poesy
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This review on behalf of SAJ. I might add everything you read from this point, even tho' they are crafted of the deepest sincerity, are entirely MY opinion.
Conversation in tears. What a lovely name to christened a poem. And it's alright, too. Really.
I started reading your poem (I'm doing this on my mobile device) and I had to hands off the keys. I wanted to take my time, really take my time to 'compose' the review. I didn't want to fake it. I wanted to mean it, every word, when I put it down.
You got a masterful control of rhyme, Untucoi. And your rhymes flow with fluidity creating a web-like link between each line, each phrase, each sentence, weaving one perfect, seamless fabric grown out of pure emotion.
The voice narrating, or conversing, if you like that better enthralls the reader, holds him by the hand and leads him by the oracle of sincerity. And the flow does not ring false. Rather, it's natural. Freeflowing. This is the real deal.
It's definitely a conversation in tears that draws a water from the wellsprings of the audience.
Keep your pen bleeding!
Poesy
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This review on behalf of SAJ. I might add everything you read from this point, even tho' they are crafted of the deepest sincerity, are entirely MY opinion.
I'm catching the feelings coming off the verse in waves. Don't lie These words drive the force of the poem's message home and possibly a big chunk of pretense off the subject of this verse. It's almost 'oral' and because it's got the personal touch the energy invested in it's making can not be denied.
My feelings won't change due to what is said. This line is pretty much the spotlight; a foretaste of the lines that follow. Feelings you titled it. I don't think there's a better way of expressing one's feelings than giving a piece of your mind.
The details of wrong done is not expressed in specifics, though. But it's almost unnecessary. Words like, dishonesty, betrayal tell it all.
This is good poetry. Pretty revealing, indeed.
Keep your pen bleeding!
Poesy
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Such a thoughtful poem from someone who does not give a pin about the earth's depressing state. I envy you. I wish I could say the same thing and really mean it
Actually, your attitude represents those of millions of Earthlings in their daily dealings with the environment. It's really a cause for alarm. Thank God, for special favors like "Earth Day" where we can summon ourselves to a little sanity, right?
This is a Member to Member Review for Showering Acts of Joy!
What follows are ALL MY opinion.
"Like windswept sand" What a lovely term for describing Love's inexplicable crush. It blows in like the wind, Love. And when it compares to a thing "windswept" like sand, beach sand maybe . . . I almost close my eyes to savorthe idea.
Sand borne on the wings of the wind is above all overwhelming. You can't stand in a sand storm with your eyes open. Or your head held up high. You bow to the flush of that wind. And you compare this event to Love's crush. Waoh, I'm breathless.
You have your "summer breeze" calling from the trees like they have a place of dwelling in and up there in those branches. Peculiar imagery. One just can't not stop o hear the whisper of such a breeze.
Beautiful poetry it is. "Pulled from the shadow" that is genius and often times, most writers give up pursuing within inches of grasping.
This is a Member to Member Review for Showering Acts of Joy!
What follows is MY opinion.
A letter with words that crawl over the reader's sensitive parts with many tiny feet.
"Dear Me" Soul searching words with the power to rouse our deepest selves to action. And you did use words that in this world stand for responsibility "Family". It is enough to wake any consciousness out of sadness induced drowsiness.
Your letter is open and rid of pretense. Full of wit and down-to-earth remarks. Your mother would have been proud. I am. We are family are we not? Of course by reason of WDC!
This is a Member to Member Review for Showering Acts of Joy!
I did expect the unexpected and it was worth it.
So, where's the mind transporting time machine, han? You did turn it into fiction but I know it's for real. And you hid somewhere.
I once read an article on Writers Digest website about "Agents' Chapter One pet peeves". There was this agent in particular ranting about how they get thrown off by a story that begins with dialog because then you have to start wondering "Who's talking now?" Your story begins with dialog but you filled up any lapses if there were any in the very second line, where you mentioned the character who made the speech.
Your "Time Machine" shows a little plot twist in action.I think it is almost the first I heard of the make. Transports the mind through time based on your most recent activity or your most recent memory. A nice touch of creative genius.
The conversation/dialog were natural enough, an easy read. I could almost make the character's distinct qualities by way of their speeches.
Nice going with the narration. Good story telling.
This review on behalf of Showering Acts of Joy.
What follows is MY humble opinion.
I love the word "Beneath" marking the beginning of this poem. Serves a great deal of a purpose. Secrets are often kept BENEATH. And this piece speaks of secrets, right? Dark ones by the look of it.
The message stands out, called out by well-chosen words. There' s also the rhythm evoked by the choice of words and the arrangement of the lines and stanzas which provokes the mind to hard pondering. For as you say, "The Prom Queen abandoned her baby."
This review on behalf of Showering Acts of Joy.
Everything which follows is entirely MY opinion. No offence meant.
"It's the same every time" This line reinforces the title. Justifies it. The attitude it creates slides the reader naturally into the adrenaline-charged story.
Recently, I have come to have a passion for the Horror genre. Actually, I have adopted it as my pet genre. Thanks to the New Horizons Academy here on WDC where I was introduced to the works of Stephen King. What am I getting at? I know a good story when I read one!
One quality for which good Horror scenes are acclaimed is the power of the author to hold the reader spellbound through the use of suspense. Not by delaying the action but by deliberately giving it a shape which the reader can associate with.
When you talked about your helplessness while struggling to step off the gas, I unconsciously pressed your foot down (in my mind) a moment longer. Why? You created an expectation within me from the inception of your narration I could not help but try to see what got you so tensed up!
As with every Horror story with genuine curiosities I was stuck with indecision. I wanted you to stop and not make the dreaded impact yet, at the same time I lurched forward with your ride, racing faster than your wheels would take me in hope I would visualize the nightmare before I explode with expectation.
When you said it was a deer the eyes belonged to I was a little bit disappointed. What in all hell did I get all so tensed up about? And then it became the face of a man and before I could contain my terror . . . you woke up.
I guess the scream weighed on my lips than it did on yours who was having the nightmare. One of the best things a writer can hope for is for his/her reader to be able to personalize his/her story, adapt it to their situation. I just saw myself in your dream (nightmare) did I not?
I am not so good at doing reviews. I think I am much better when I just rant, and run off at the mouth. Like I said it is MY opinion. But if this is not a good story, Stephen King is not a bestselling author! (that's sort of like blasphemy for me 'cause Mr. King is like a god to me.)
This review on behalf of Showering Acts of Joy.
What follows is my humble opinion.
I think it was Stephen King who said, "Memories are contrary things; if you quit chasing them and turn your back, they often return on their own."
Your piece sort of embellishes this fact.
The memory in your poem is one that haunts the poet personae.
A memory that peeps through the scent of a piece of clothing (Under the Jacket)
Memory that "lifts one up where s/he belongs (over the hills). . .
You have taken an investigators' pain, going through the minute and readily overlooked trails of reminiscence to bring the force of the memory of a loved one home.
And your title. There's something about it reinforcing the simple and yet profound message of this piece of poetry. Suddenly, "Under the Jacket" does not sound so "everydayish" anymore. It is more like "in the basement of lives, in the dark where all our deepest, yet-to-be explored secrets dwell."
"The Jacket" in your poetry carries a lot more weight than the world on Atlas' shoulders.
"Under The Jacket" like the cliche says, there's more to it than meets the eye.
Now, there's a nice poem.
The refrain really goes a long to express every teenagers doubts about the answers he receives from adults when he inquires about the more obscure and confusing details of life.
I think the extra repetitions of the refrain gives expression to the confusing details that baffle teenagers at adolescence.
By now it's obvious we're not getting anywhere These words remind me of my own personal experience as kid. Some things just never seemed to have adequate answers. No matter how carefully the adult explained or how understanding they seemed to be.
ANSWERS The title is ironic. There are no visible answers in the poem. Only arousal of tough jaw breaking questions. Maybe, the the title implies, rather what the poet persona seeks and not what the piece incites.
A simple way of expressing an eternally profound truth, of raising equally unsettling facts about the life of a teenager. This is a display of mastery and finesse.
I almost tried to skip reviewing this story cos I could feel your childhood pain through the words like I was watching a movie. I was almost afraid I would be reviving 'forgotten' childhood memories. Then I remembered you placed this in your port cos you were 'strong enough' to show your inner struggles to others.
I'm sorry for the painful childhood you experienced and I'm amazed at your courage to keep going. You are a shero, Ms. Sariah. That cannot be taken away from you. I know if that little girl you used to be could keep loving her mom, the lady you have become will eventually conquer the pangs of bitterness.
You are a source of encouragememt to me. I have been able to acquire my first 'diploma' cos of your academy. Thankyou, for choosing to be strong against all odds.
Hello, Ms. Kiya or Ms. Tammy,
I am black too. And I grew up in MY homeland (Nigeria) feeling like a stranger. People do not discriminate against me, at least not the way you experience it. But I somehow perceive that 'silent something'.
You see, I grew up with a fervent desire to master the English language. When I was old enough to understand it, I found myself trapped in a web of dialectic variations. The English Language I craved as a child was the British version. I swerved towards the AmericanE mainly cos of the hip hop culture. I speak two dialects fairly fluently in a nation of over 300 dialects. So you see, I have every reason to be confused. Especially, when many of the folks around here consider it arrogance to speak with an American accent. I find it almost impossible to communicate sometimes.
Maybe, it sounds to you like I'm babbling. It's the COURAGE with which you handle the silent objections from family and friends that I admire. You seem to take it all in stride. And like Maya Angelo puts it, 'without courage, it is impossible to practise any virtue consistently'.
You write as naturally as spoken words flow through the lips of an orator. I doubt if the impact your writing has on me would have been any different if I saw you in person and you had indulged me in conversation.
I wish you a well-deserved happiness in your chosen path.
Hello, angel of God,
The title you picked for your poem is most approriate.
An inner, personal struggle echos through these verses. 'A struggle to hold on. An effort to end a fight.' These lines are my favorite. They kind of set the pace for the following lines.
'This war is mine.' You erected an invisible boundary, declaring with a voice that is both convincing and authoritative the uniqueness of the war you are involved in. This is good poetry.
In your poetry, old fables ARE recreated. I remember watching 'The Little Mermaid' a few years back. This verse kind of re-enacts that experience.
Wonderful imagery invites the reader to share the mermaids awe at witnessing a sailor chatting his course by the twinkling stars. To feel her eternal loss as he speeds away in his ship, like the pangs of losing someone to death only to be taunted by intermittent dreams.
A short and powerful poetry that says a great deal about the talent that shaped it's verses.
Hello, Paradoxical,
Some stories/poetry were meant to live forever. Kevin found the 'river of life' and took a sip of the elixir of immortality yet it was muddy water to friends and family.
Your story illustrates a fundamental principle: You can not always make your loved ones see reason with you', 'And you shouldn't blame yourself if they don't'. There comes that point in your life when you should not allow yourself be tied down by wrong choices made by other people. I mean you got a whole life ahead of you and you don't want to spend that feeling sorry for those who couldn't see their mistake, not if you are going to live forever.
Hello, Kid Writer,
Many are hunted by the ghosts of childhood. You, it seems, have raised a kingdom of treasured memories out of a childhood crush.
This is a writing that inspires time travel. Reminds you of might-have-been friendships, of the angel eyes living next door you wanted to marry when you grow up.
'I love you' Those words usually hang in your throat as a child and marks the turn of a friendship into a relationship in the later years. A really beautiful way to end this poem. Nice work.
Hello, Jenny,
I am African. And I have watched two different movies based on the war in Rwanda. I have also heard about the hopeless war in Somalia on primetime news.
The senseless waste, the avoidable deaths... can you imagine that after the Somalian war the president who supposedly instigated that war shamelessly held on to power? He would not even answer the World Court summon to stand trial for his crimes, claiming he could not be tried while he was yet in power!
I can not tell which baffles me more, the devastations of war or man who causes those devastations. Many resolutions have been made, many conventions enacted yet, like your poem says, 'Never Again' lies behind eternity's lines.
The message in your poem rings through, a call to action, for a much needed reflection.
Your author's voice is strong and authoritative. A timely poetry that will leave a lasting impression on the reader.
The rhymes lend effect to the message and... and... and...
I've often heard my parents discuss the Nigerian civil war. The gruesome imagery those wake-the-dead-moments conjured in my immature mind lie somewhere beyond my emotional capabilities to phantom.
Never have I had the opportunity or misfortune to live in a time of war, though there was this was one occassion that political impasse threw my country on the edge of war - rioting, robbery, and all that. You could actually smell fear in the atmosphere! But fortunately, it never conceived war.
News of war is one thing that always conveyed the hordes of horror to my young heart. You Mi Lady have become a bearer of burdens creating a virtual war that will not deny the pain, the loss, the waste, the sorrow and horror, and the tortured tears for those of us who have never actually experienced it.
You have molded in me a defiance that speaks: 'I curse war!'
NEVER, NEVER, EVER Let your pen quit bleeding!
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