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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/petriedn
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Review by ProudPop Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello Vivian,

The story, itself, is a gift from the storm. I enjoyed it very much. I got a good sense of who Trisha is - she was etched clearly in my mind. The reactions of all your characters was realistic, and their dialogue was well written and quite natural. The story moved along well, and you created and sustained suspense nicely. I admire your use of language, particularly the word "roiling" - it carries a definite image for me.

I have a few minor quibbles

...so I could drive inside,” she muttered the complaint made each time she needed to unload... could be reworded to ..so I could drive inside" - the same complaint she made each time she needed to unload...

Should ...in its base... be ...on its base...?

I think Her thoughts rushed as fast as she moved. might read better as Her thoughts rushed as quickly as she moved., but that's just a personal preference.

In She then lay down on her side..., I think that "then" may be superfluous, and the sentence would read better without it.

The storm chasers sent video of the massive tornado bearing down on unsuspecting commuters as they headed for homes scattered over the city, many directly in the pass of the killing wind. is a long sentence that takes away from the pacing of this section of the story. Could you split it so it becomes The storm chasers sent video of the massive tornado bearing down on unsuspecting commuters as they headed for homes scattered over the city. Many of them lay directly in the path of the killing wind (I also changed "pass" for "path")? Alternately, could you do away with the last clause all together?

Families jumped into cars and pickups, racing a direction, they hoped, away from the killer chasing them. seems a bit awkward to me. What about Families jumped into cars and pickups, racing, they hoped, away from the killer chasing them.?

I'm ambivalent about this, but would Her arms felt as if being pulled from her body. read better as Her arms felt as if they were being pulled from her body.?

I think, in ...as she trembled knowing that within seconds..., you might insert a comma after "trembled".

I found the sentence beginning The wrenching of the roof ripped off the walls... to be a bit confusing. Could you reword it to be The wrenching of the roof as it was ripped off the walls...?

Can you tell me your name. probably should have a question mark after it.

...still the fear cursing through the body... probably ought to be ...still the fear coursing through the body....

There is no way Jim won’t get to us even if he has to move everything by hand himself to do so. reads a little awkwardly. Could you state it in the positive: Jim is certain to get to us even if he has to move everything by hand himself to do it. (I also changed "do so" to "do it")?

In the room where her husband would be moved in a few minutes, Lexi stood staring out the windows... - I was momentarily confused about who Lexi might be. It's a personal thing, but I would have introduced her name at the same time I introduced Marshall.

...marred the tender skin of the side of her face... didn't sound quite right to me. What about ...marred the tender skin on the side of her face...?

This (One of the men in a bright orange vest, as they all wore, replied...) reads a bit strangely. I can't think of any way of including the orange vests, and might be inclined to do away with them (i.e. One of the men replied...). They do help identify the men, but I don't know how important they are in the overall scheme of things.

You said Two EMTs (Emergency Medical Technicians} jumped .... It's a style thing, perhaps, but I didn't think you would handle the acronym that way in fiction. I do it all the time in business writing, but would have been inclined here just to say Two Emergency Medical Technicians jumped..., knowing that, with the words capitalized, my audience would recognize what EMT stood for the first time I used it.

toregister should be to register. My space bar sticks all the time *Smile*

I think that, in The baby still clung to Trisha, but now dressed in a clean diaper and a white tee-shirt that nearly swallowed her, her cuts and abrasions cleaned and bandaged where necessary., you might improve the way the sentence scans by moving "still clung to Trisha" to the end, and getting rid of "but".

Jim drove with one hand as he held Trisha’s in the right one. seems a bit stiff. What about Jim drove with one hand while he held Trisha's in the other.?

Overall, as I said, I really liked this story. I've never lived through a tornado (we don't get many where I live), but I feel like I have more of a handle on that experience now.

Thanks for sharing the gift.
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Review of Professor Walker  Open in new Window.
Review by ProudPop Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
What a wonderful story! If it isn't true now (still?), I suspect it one day will be. I sense your real concern for the Professor, and your own trepidation, through the concern and trepidation of your "self" in the story. I especially like your use of pacing and punctuation to convey your character's tumultuous emotions at this meeting.

Very nice work. Thanks!
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