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Review by Penhandle Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very powerful opening. The mysterious "I" soon becomes a haunting shadow and yet, then rises to stalk the stage all within the first two lines. Good.

The word strut, to me, lessens the strong opening. When I looked up the meaning of strut, it appears you used it correctly. However strutting about is often seen as a frivolous activity. This poem attempts at the outset to be serious, and it is a serious poem. I would suggest getting rid of "Though" in verse 2 as well, since it seems to make light of what you just said. The word "gore" is "over-the-top", too much of an exaggeration, whereas the first three words in line 4 (vs. 2) are very definite and work well. I see you sometimes using a word in order to rhyme, which may be better waited for. I would go back to line 2 of this verse and see what else could be used for a last word and would rhyme with line 4's last.'

I would also change "sin" to "darkness" or something shadowy. In such a short poem you really don't need to mention the shadow again by name, since you've already done so in the first 3 verses. How about adding the word tremor somewhere in the 4th verse? "Press the warning button" is a technological addition in this poem that doesn't really fit for me. Something more mystical would work better, like "warning" or

What a great middle. You are onto the heart of the subject, what you really want to say.
I would use "Being the real I" instead of line 2. You used "is" twice very close together. ("Which" makes it more like an ordinary sentence, which for me, makes it less of a poem. Poems hint at rather than state things, leaving the reader to conjure up the scenario.)

I would delete "Once in a while" because it seems you are talking of a subject that goes on all the time: the spirit world.

Your poems are moving. Once in a while other elements, however, downplay the serious and deep things you really have to say. I would love to hear those things.

I think you are really talking about the shadowy soul and so I would say push the meaning deep into the poem. Don't let your "shadow" become merely a shadow, but the soul's meaning or the person's alter ego.

I would rewrite verse 5 completely summing up the deep character of soul or staying with the darker elements of it. Then in another poem, you can rejoice in the highlights, the soul's positive joys.
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Review by Penhandle Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Super. I like the last line. Good invitational clincher, and sweet.

I find death as a subject in a love poem over-used, so I can't agree with that.

"How will survive the tree" is awkward; I would suggest: "o where will I find thee" or turning "the tree" into "thee": "how will I survive thee" (not the greatest)

I also disagree with the last line of 2nd verse. "I will not cry for you" is a possibility although "you" might be repetitious.

"Your love I did not miss", makes me feel uncomfortable because of its backward nature. We don't use this in poetry nowadays. How about altering the 1st line as well:

Yet I can't help wishing for"
your love is not to miss"

I like the overall feel of the poem very much. Now that it is a contest winner, will you still revise it?
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