It is very nice how your prose has inspired my imagination to what miracles would appear in the ordinary. Very effective capitalizing words within the prose to tie together the "Wonder". This is a very pleasing piece.
General impression is that this is a hopeful message about the new year and how things can be better. It is nice to have something uplifting to read!
Suggestion - Try to make your phrases rhyme in an even pace. It is distracting to have so many different rhyme patterns, such as the first four lines rhyme then the last line does not at all.
Brilliant! I am not much of a poet, but this is so good to read. You have made artful little compartments of the phrases between "The ghouls were gathering to celebrate". Perhaps this is just a style but it really makes me picture the horror of the ghouls' activities.
Overall impression is that this could be part of a larger story. I appreciate the detail you put into setting the scene in the first paragraph.
The character of Henry is well described, but I would like to have heard more about Arioch. Maybe just a touch of where he is from and what he is.
As far as grammar, be sure to avoid run on sentences, passive phrasing, and mix of present/past tense. The paragraph about the crowd and the execution mixes tenses.
This looks like a great exercise to inspire writing. This personal account sounds so similar to some family interactions of my own. I could feel the anger and emotion that you were conveying in this piece. The all caps of "NEVER" really stands out as the final straw for you.
That time in your life sounds like a blur and it is unsurprising that there was no real spiritual experience during the time. I find that life has to slow down, or I have to take time out to feel or experience anything spiritual. When on the defense and having to protect oneself it is difficult to be spiritual.
I would love to know what the contest was for because that can limit what you write and the format of it. It would be nice to have more detail in the story, but you may have been limited by the contest.
The one line format draws the reader in well with shorter lines followed by longer ones.
In particular the two lines that end in 'approached' and 'convulsed' give the growing sense of what is to happen next.
The writing is very well organized and you did a good job setting the stage for the reader. This is a very educational piece and I had no idea about the female hyenas!
Since this is to be a romantic writing I was a bit distracted by all the talk about all the different types of animals mating activities. Perhaps limiting the dialogue to just one of the types of animals would leave more time for warming up to the actual human romance.
This was a smooth and fast to read. The emotion expressed through out the piece kept my interest and brought some feelings of my own to the surface.
The only improvements I may suggest is introducing the main character as the best friend of Serena. I spent a while wondering if the main character were a boyfriend, relative, or other acquaintance. Also, double spacing between your paragraphs will make it more readable in this webpage format.
This is absolutely lovely. It is a very intimate prose that took me a moment to realize the couple were older. This was artfully revealed slowly through the piece.
The only part that I had to re-read were the lines about the bed tipping her to the floor.
This was fun and easy to read. You are so right about the lack of common sense and my overall impression is that this is a nice poem. It is more of an opinion piece than a story. However, that is not a criticism, just a categorization.
Bravo! This is absolutely gripping. The second edit with a change to second person really pulls the reader into the wording. The words used to describe the mountains takes the mind on a sensual geological exploration.
There is absolutely nothing I could suggest for you to change.
Hi Diablo,
There is a lot of emotion in this piece. The grief you felt when writing it is quite evident. It reminds me of failed relationships in the past and how difficult it is to let them go. Darn memories!
The emotions are strong, but the grammar is weak. This is what I consider a "stream of consciousness" piece of writing. It is therapeutic to write, but a bit hard to read. Improved punctuation, and separating the different supporting text into paragraphs will make it easier to read.
It would have been nice to also have an introduction of the break up. Perhaps it was a snip of conversation, or the last time you saw the person. Describe that moment, take us there, and then the emotions you express so well will mean more to the reader.
Keep writing!
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