After reading this chapter, I find it quite amazing how life can change so quickly. Up until your 16th birthday last month, all you had to worry about was school work, and when Angelia was coming back. And now, you've got the weight of the world on your shoulders as you've experienced something that even people many years your senior might (hopefully) never experience.
Back to this chapter. You are an incredibly talented young woman for your age. You certainly have the gift. I, for one, thank Angelia for inspiring and encouraging you to write. That's Angelica's legacy to you that you should always cherish. Even if she never comes back into your life, she will always be with you through your writing.
This is very well written and well structured. I have yet to find any syntactical mistake, or any grammar, spelling, or punctuation error.
I just finished my R&R of your Chapter Six, "A TEEN'S DISGRACE, PARENTS' NIGHTMARE," a very sad and touching story about your experiences with teen sex and drugs, and the punishments that you continue to suffer from your mother.
You mentioned Angelia in ch. 6, but since I've never read your novel before, I didn't know who she is, so here I am, learning about her.
You're right, she seems to be the embodiment of a "perfect woman." From this introduction, who wouldn't want her for a girlfriend, a stepmother, a girlfriend, or even a sister? People like her are rare, and consider yourself blessed that she became a part of your life ever for only a year or two.
I know how much you need Angelia now, but don't dwell on it; it would just cause you more heartaches if she doesn't ever come back in your life.
There's one thing I noticed immediately from reading this introduction. You said that this is the first time you've ever written anything (aside from school work). Even though this is well written and well structured, after reading your ch. 6, I can't believe how your writing skill and style have changed in such a short period of time. You learn fast, and incredibly well.
Keep up the good work, young lady. Think positive. Life will get better for you sooner or later.
Sarah Nicholson represents many of us women during our childhood--those of us who shunned playing with dolls and preferred instead to play with boys, or toys made for boys. I identified with her; therefore, I liked her very much. And Tom Mitchell could have been the boy next door when I was growing up. He's a lovable character. Both of them are. And so, I fell in love with these two incredible young characters and had an enjoyable time reading about them. But all the while, this statement shrouded the rest of the page like a dark cloud: It was the day before Christmas break: a Christmas they would never see. The two would be caught in a school violence reminiscent of the Columbine massacre in Colorado. Tom Mitchell and Sarah Nicholson are now only immortalized in our memory through this story. What tragedy.
What a great story, both creatively and technically. Congratulations on a job very well done.
A girl conflicted with guilt and bliss during the loss of her innocence; lost in the ecstacy of her first carnal experience. She had promise him of sex devoid of emotional attachment; a promise she couldn't keep. So now she suffers from a deeper emotional turmoil. Grey sins--I never knew such term till now.
I always find it refreshing when women don't hesitate to share their age to the public. I also thinks it's great that you would share your literary work--an essay you wrote in High School at age 17 (in 1959) on a manual typewriter, which, of course, did not come equipped with a spell chcker. Even then at a very young age, you already proved that you're a writer to reckon with. Furthermore, how wonderful it is to act as our travel guide to this historical and quaint place that was your hometown: Quaboag, later renamed "West Brookfield." I hope the Historical Society, and /or the town's Chamber of Commerce, is aware of your public promotion of their town. You deserve their commendation for this.
About your Ch. 14 (Pandora’s Box Of Revelations), it certainly is a box loaded with discoveries. It has an element of the mystery, flavored with a hint of the supernatural. I was hooked from the beginning with your description of the strange girl being taunted as she stands in front of the class, reciting a poem, with the teacher having lost control over her class. I loved it when the girl ignored the heckling and finished her recitation then with her chin up she ambled back to her desk.
I could see all of that, and the rapid tapping from her mother's heels echoing in the room as she stormed inside the stunned classroom and grabbed her daughter--the strange girl, whisking her away. The stunned teacher and her class watched as the girl is driven away in a car by a white man. We surmise the mother had sold her daughter for "adoption."
Mary and the class would not see her again after that. This is all intriguing and I am looking forward to finding out what happens next to the strange girl.
I'm thankful for this space to let my new friends in WDC and the Ethnic Women Writers Group know that I have been grateful and appreciative of all the help and inspiration I've received from them. I feel that I am now better motivated to write and that through reviewing other authors' works I have improved my own skills in writing. Again, thanks.
It's always hard to find something to correct in your writing. Your chapters are always very clean and it's impossible to find any spelling or grammatical errors or plot inconsistencies or discrepancies. This time, I have a couple of comments.
First, you named this chapter "The First Revelation," when the previous chapter about the strange girl that Mary's sister stoned in her youth, actually contains the 'first revelation' and this is merely a continuation of that chapter. My suggestion: give this chapter a new title.
Next: The paragraph beginning with "A woman--her mother—" should be made clear, I think, to be sure that your readers know right away that you're not talking about Mary's mother here.
Next: Something is wrong here (looks like some kind of a computer glitch.) “She came bac k to her mother even after she sold her?”
Next: You need to correct this: On my third trip to the "CR," acronym for comfort room}/i},
(I smiled when I read this. My Filipino friends always say "CR" when they refer to the bathroom."
Why wasn't I shocked to find out that one of my favorite characters in your novel (Rosario) is also Mary's half sister? But I truly enjoyed this revelation and I look forward to Rosario's return in later chapters.
I also enjoy reading about the interaction between Mary and her sisters. I come from a large family and I have five sisters. We always have a good time when we get together. Reading your story makes me feel homesick for them.
This is great. Thank you. I look forward to reading more and learning about the other revelations.
I'm jumping from one chapter to another in non-chronological order (one reason being your files in your portfolio are not organized in numerical order. Is there any way you can put them in their proper order?) But you know what, it doesn't seem to matter much because each chapter is almost complete in itself, and when it's not, I just go to the next chapter for continuity. I have also realized that no matter how much break time I take from reading your novel, I can't forget what had transpired in earlier chapters. I think this is an indication that you have a powerful story here that cannot easily be forgotten. Some of your most vivid descriptions stays with me for a while, too. And this chapter, I am sure, will stay with me for a long time as well.
What I will not forget easilly:
1. The stoning of the little girl in Mary's school by two girls, and Mary's discovery after many many years that one of the stoners was her sister Lisa. Then the shocking revelation of why Lisa did it: she had just found out that the girl being stoned was her (illegitimate)sister. And to think that the illegitimate sister had been Lisa's friend.
2. All the wonderful descriptions and discussions of ethnic cooking, and those hot "pandesals" that you can get any time of day from every corner, "like Starbucks in the States." It made me hungry just reading about these.
3. 'Nanay' boiling water and pouring it into a bucket of cold water in the shower so that Mary can get her warm shower in the morning. It wasn't clear to me why there has not been any hot water at Malia's place for months. Did Mt. Pinatubo also cause that?
Great chapter. Now I'll read the next one with anticipation.
This chapter clearly illustrates why Mary procrastinated in seeing the family's old house, the house that her father built for the family. You've done a great job in depicting her apprehension as she stands outside the house that is half-buried in lahar, not wanting to go in. And once in, I felt the agony in her heart as she perused the near empty house with remnants only of Mt. Pinatubo's destruction. And the discovery of Mary's childhood things stored in the drawer that her mother had kept there for years. This of course revealed to Mary that her mother really cared for her and her talents. This is gripping. We're getting to know Mary's quiet mother more and more, and that's very good.
Wow, I like this William--the Vulcanologist. I love the title, too. It sounds like one of those super-hero sci-fi stories. I also enjoyed your description of his good looks, and the shape of his spectacled eyes that gives him the Asian look, especially when he smiles. He's like the combination of a super hero and a geek--more like Clark Kent with the glasses and without his Superman suit.
As always, your descriptios of the volcano eruption can't be any more vivid and gripping. You must enjoy writing about volcano eruptions more than anything else.
Now I wonder, is the married Mary going to have a fling or a relationship with the vulcanologist? Since there's a whole chapter dedicated to him, I imagine that we'll be seeing him again in later chapters.
I would give this another perfect rating, but there something about a married woman flirting with another man that grabs me the wrong way. (smile).
As usual, great job. I look forward to seeing William again.
My uncle worked at a shipyard in San Diego throughout his 30-year career in the shipbuilding industry. He died three years ago from asbestosis and mesothelioma. He was part of an asbestos litigation case, which, to this day, has not reached settlement. He was not bitter, however, about his disease because he was an avid smoker and drinker, which, he understood, hightenned his susceptibility to the diseases. Your article is superb and very enlightening. Thank you for sharing your knowledge with us.
I had been a legal professional in my 'past life' before I decided to pursue my other dreams -- away from the stiff corporate world. I appreciate your description of Jo's environment and her fashion sense. I, too, had to wear similar attire at the office, but I never felt that I was perceived to be a lesbian just by the way I dressed and the fact that no one at work ever saw me with a man. I kept my personal life totally separate from work.
This is an enjoyable read. I am not into erotica myself, but I thought I'd give your novel a try. So far, Chapter one is an excellent read. I can tell that you are already a very seasoned writer, which I can only hope to be someday.
Your format is very clearn; just a few typos (ex: "Now, as stand beside the grave...." You forgot the "I.")
This is a very tragic story. I like the way you ended your story with a letter. Nice.
I only had a few minor problem with transitions. They're not clear enough for me, but then, it might be because I'm rushing through it because it's long.
I wish I could rate this chapter higher than 5.0. You have done quite an incredible job here. The devastations wrought by Mount Pinatubo's eruptions are described so vividly and believably that I could picture them in my mind. Well, also, I've seen a lot of pictures of the destructions, so everything came back automatically to me. I was there when Mt. Pinatubo erupted, and I've seen what remains of San Guillermo Church.
I rate your novel not as a writer, because I am not, but as a general reader who enjoys a good story. I might also be prejudiced because of our similar upbringing. I enjoy the glimpse into Mary's childhood, the tragedy about her brother's incurable illness and ultimately, death. I was quite saddened by Mary's mother's guilt about how they kept her son away from the other children thinking it might be contagious. Mary's father's murder, and then the wild-wild west vengeance against the suspected murderers was jolting. Although it was all interesting and engaging, it was also emotionally taxing. I wonder if it would be better if you spaced it out a bit.
But then, I guess that's what happens when we view old photographs; we transport ourselves to different dimensions, and that's exactly what happened to Mary.
I learned of your portfolio with Writing.Com through a group of Pampangenos in California when I was visiting recently. This is my first time to check it out and what I saw jumped out of the page: your Chapter Ten about Diosdado -- The Lion of Pampanga. Is this character based on the hero they call "Leon of Pampanga" for which a movie of the same title was made? I saw the movie, and if this novel is autobiographical, I will be so excited to meet you and see if you were the "Baby" character in the movie.
I was still in the Philippines during the People Power Revolution -- through the Marcoses excile to the U.S. I am familiar with the tavern that you speak of in the novel . . . or something just like it anyway.
I am not a writer, but I am an avid reader. I am so happy to see a novel based on my native land (since there are so few. Your descriptions are very vivid and they bring me back to the places you describe.
I know what happened to Diosdado, and I cannot wait to read what happens to him in your novel.
It's a small world, indeed.
Now I go back to the earlier chapters and read what has transpired so far. I see that the current postings reflect only chapters 4 - 10. How can I get a copy of chapters 1-3?
Maraming salamat sa iyo.
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