The content of the poem tugs at the heart. The telling is open, and the mix of soft and hard rhyme make for a pleasing flow.
When I've written a poem, I read the end result aloud, to see if there are small changes I want to make to tweak the rhythm. Perhaps that would be something you'd like to try.
SO MANY INTERESTING QUESTIONS, AND IT CAPTURES ONE'S ATTENTION, WHICH IS GOOD.
I don’t know if he’s going to use pills or a shotgun or anything at all. Maybe he’ll just fall asleep and never wake up. One of my friends tried a knife against his bare chest. He stopped there, of course. Too much to live for, he said.
Exactly how I felt when I told my clammy hands off of my windpipe. (I DON'T QUITE UNDERSTAND THIS PART. PERHAPS IT NEEDS REWORDING?)
Almost there, but not quite. Too much to live for.
Does he feel that way? I’m not sure. “Please don’t do this,” he said. Code for “please don’t care.”
What do I do now? I can’t not care. He’s too important. Too much would be gone if he was. But he doesn’t want me. He doesn’t want to talk to me. He wants me out of his life.
Can she help? (IS "SHE" THE OTHER WOMAN? SINCE YOU SAID THIS IS A SAMPLE, PERHAPS THAT IS MADE CLEAR IN THE ENTIRE ESSAY.) I don’t know. Does he care enough about her for her to help? Does he care too much?
Should I call 911? It’s not an emergency. Or is it? Will he go through with it? Can I call them for advice? The suicide hotline was no help. They told me to call 911. But what if…what if?
Life is taxing. What if he has nothing to live for? Or too much? Does he care about me? Does he want to live for me? Does he have anything else to live for? He’s such a bright, handsome young man…does he know?
Us teenagers live for sleep. But this boy may never want to wake up. And I don’t know what to do anymore.
AS I SAID, YOU POSE SOME INTERESTING QUESTIONS AND SCENERIOS. I WOULD LOVE TO SEE YOU EXPAND ON IT. : )
When it is said that truth is stranger than fiction, you offer the proof of that with this write. I never did drugs, regardless of coming of age in the 60's, but I imagine part of the things going on with you here were a result of that. The telling is intriguing.
I can identify with the feelings conjured by the love making, drugs or not drugs.
The story is well-told, if not entirely understandable to me. I would have liked it had you defined a "Sails Cat," but many readers may already know what it means.
I get the feeling there were lessons learned from this experience. : )
I love to both write and read Haiku. This is a particularly good poem. Your images are vivid and evoke the feeling of being there on the sea. And what is lovlier than a gull taking flight? Such beauty and freedom--a thing we all long for at times.
Since you were aiming for humor, kudos! I could not help but chuckle out loud more than once as I read your story
Errors noticed:
***Day’s ...needs no apostrophe
***valentine’s ...capital V needed
***February 14 ...comma after 14
***B’shevat. ...I don't know much about Judaism, but should there be a space between B's and shevat?
***Valentines Day ...apostrophe in Valentine's
***what to. ...what to do, maybe?
***why I will now rather look ..."will" should be would
Suggestions: Why not incorporate the red cat into the picnic or leave it out? Perhaps the red cat could take the place of the flowers, since the shop is closed.
This held me spellbound! Very intriguing; very professional.
The only errors I noticed were some punctuation and spelling mistakes. Due to the length of the story, I will not note them here.
I love the setting, the characters, the premise, and your style in general. I can see this expanded into a novel or a series of stories that would be very publishable.
Being a mother, this really struck a chord with me. Your love for your children and the desire to keep every good moment alive inside you is evident. Overall, a good piece filled with honest emotion.
A few errors and some suggestions:
***"joy filled" needs a hyphen, or you could change the word to joyful.
*** "mixed with a little anticipation" I would leave out "a little."
***"At the moment" should be followed with a comma
***" Sometimes I am so worried about what is the proper way to raise my children so that they will be well mannered and everyone will think I have perfect children that I forget they are just children." ***A bit wordy and awkward. Maybe you can say: Sometimes, I am so worried about raising "perfect" children, of whom everyone approves, that I forget they are young and in the learning stages--just children."
***"Silence" should read "silent"
***The very last sentence does not seem to fit the rest of the story. Perhaps you can try to make it connect to the rest, or if that doesn't work, change it altogether.
The topic about which you've written is worthy of attention, as the problem has become more prevalent in recent years.
My suggestions would be that you group your subjects more tightly together. An orderly piece will have more impact upon your readers.
State the problem. Demonstrate it by giving your instances in a paragraph or two. Next, state your own concerns and opinions on this, backed up by some input from people with whom you've talked.
It would add a lot if you describe some ways that a zero-tolerance policy for outbreaks and violence at sporting events could be warded off, defused, or eliminated.
Sum it all up, and voila! You'll have a tighter, more focussed essay. Kudos on addressing the issue
I like your metaphors and imagery. They are the kind that paint a word picture I can actually see. Your words flow well, and the spacing, or lace thereof, is unique.
I've read tons, but I do not know what a "snirt" is. Unless you meant something else?
I love writing and reading poetry, and this was a pleasure. Nice work
You've brought up some interesting questions in this piece. There are a few minor punctuation and spacing errors, but more importantly, those unanswered questions.
I would love to see the piece lengthened by your answers to your own questions. I think it would round it out nicely. It has a lot of potential
***First impressions: I love the way that this story tugs at my heart, and I love your way with imagery and comparison.
***Suggestions: The first few sentences could use some fine-tuning. Perhaps you could read them and see if you agree. There are no truly glaring mistakes, though.
***Overall: This is a well-written piece. It says so much in such a small space. That is a good testament to your talent. The last sentence is beautiful, and an attitude which more of us should adopt. Kudos!
Your subject for the piece is good, with endless possiblities for expansion. The piece you've written, though, needs some tightening. Rather than play editor here, I advise you to run your essay through a good grammar and spell check program. Your computer's word processing program should have one.
"There are no seemingly logical reasoning’s or stories that can be told in such a way that the limited capabilities of the human mind can completely comprehend, and grasp in a way that settles our curiosity." (((I love the meaning behind this.)))
Your piece has great possibilities, but does need work.
If you edit it, please resubmit it. I'd like to see the finished essay.
An interesting story well told. My only suggestions are to run this through a grammar check to correct some punctuation errors, double space between paragraphs, and change the spelling "aught" to "ought."
It's hard to tell a complete tale in so few words, but you've done a nice job of it. Your descriptions are complete but not over-done. You convery the emotions of your characters nicely, too. Kudos!
This is a wonderful children's story. Your idea is unique and will definitely have kid appeal, as well as being fun for whomever is reading it.
I like the revised version the best. It gets more directly into the story, which is a plus. Although very similar to your first draft, it shows that it has been tightened and refined.
It will be interesting to see what an illustrator does in the way of putting your words into pictures. I hope to see this on the shelf of a book store sometime soon. My grandkids would love it.
So very true, and yes, the creature within, developed as a protection when we've been hurt beyond belief, does mis-color our perceptions of the innocent who mean us no harm.
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