Highly polished work, good strong theme throughout, would make an excellent teen book if expanded (I guess that is what you will be doing in the fullness of time).
However, my job is to critique, so here is what I didn't especially like. The initial scene, a werewolf waking in a forest, naked, blood on their lips. Probably been done dozens of times before, which was fine then, was a good way to start. Now though it just makes it seem old hat, could this have been different?
Some ideas of the top of my head (more on trite phrases later), how about within a wolf pack, as part of her canine family, or in a place that only a wolf could get to, making her return troublesome. Did it have to be a forest? Could she have woken in an urban setting, with perhaps the remains of someone's pet? Or perhaps being discovered by someone? a granny? policeman? young kid? bunch of toughs?
A thing to really make your work sing though would be to avoid those common phrases like "crying like a baby", try something new, like, oh I don't know, "squealing like yesterday's bacon" or do a variation on the words, like "bawling like a tot minus his dummy" I know your imagination is good enough and it would adding that extra glitter to your writing.
Possible some thing else for you to keep an eye on and can be fixed in the rewrite stage is you start a lot of your sentences with 'I', for instance "I shivered as a cold wind blew between the trees" or “AAAAAAAAmber!” I suddenly heard my mother’s voice call.
You can add variance by saying, for instance "a cold wind, blown between the trees made me shiver." or "AAAAAAAAAmber!", my mother's voice reached to me over the distance.
Now, more on what I really did like, that was your imaginative character, the octopus. I have never seen anything like him before and you got the personality nailed, I was able to visualise him from your descriptions, mannerisms and the way he talks. nicely done.
The conversation narration of the piece drew me in also, almost like a diary confessional, intermingled with Amber's thoughts. Initially I was unable to connect with her too deeply, actual descriptions of her were sparse, I don't know what she looks like, what her dreams are, what type of character she is, feisty or subdued, sporty or bookish and so on (I got that she has tough feet) and to start I found that a little tough going. By the end though I found myself picturing Amber in my mind, a case of where less is more, enabling each reader to visualise their own 'Amber', where no two would be the same. Did you intend this?
Overall, very enjoyable, I look forward to reading the rest of the series. Keep up the good work. |
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